Crossing the River and Sharing

This little meditation  seems to have a life of her own.  I sent it to my friend Tricia Evans, a gifted musician (some of her work).  Trish, Dusty and I made up a third of our elementary school class at Longview school.  She now co-owns Taylor Sound, a recording studio in Calgary, AB.

Within a couple of days Trish had not only a musical impression to back the meditation but a song that wanted to come out of it too.  The song is coming soon...

When I did my vision board this year there is a component that speaks to my love of collaboration, the magic that can happen when you share openly.  What has been evident for Trish and I is the joy of just allowing something- without the need to mould or guard or over-engineer and then to just set it free without expectations.

Marianne Williamson shared the quote on her website this week that “An idea grows stronger when it is shared” from A Course In Miracles.  The idea behind this meditation is that we are naturally okay, the skill to finding this is undoing- taking off the costume.  The problem is that we are very attached to the costumes, so attached in fact that we can’t even see that there may be another way.

I took a part of Tad Hargraves Radical Business Incentive this weekend (my heart called me home for the duration- another story).  I got so much out of just three hours on Friday, but one of the biggies is that I’d like my work focussed around an idea, and here is the idea:

I have this picture in my mind that eventually everyone will have the ability to follow their hearts and it would all work out, if I want an apple I would reach out and it would be someones joy to give it to me, and someone else’s joy to transport it, and someone else’s joy to pick it and someone else’s joy to plant it.  

Here is a link to the meditation with background tunes, it starts a little of the way in: 

CROSSING THE RIVER LINK

Photo 2011, Sarah Pilkington and I in the River :)

Crossing the River - Trying Something New

HI!

Okay, after spending 1/2 hour looking for how to video on my Mac I managed to do this, I knew it could be done as my 6 year old has been doing taping himself for two years!!!

Last week I went to a meditation with Christine Wushke

It was great, made me realize that I actually can meditate and have been doing it for some time.

What came up for me were some amazing visuals, these would return each time I closed my eyes over the week and I’ve translated it into a meditation.

My guidance is to ‘throw it out there’- so here it is- less than 15 minutes long. I have invited a friend and musician Trish Evans to see what it inspires in her musically and if moved we will be putting together a more professional version.

Enjoy this gift as I have- and for those who haven’t seen it- my new curly locks.

Transcript (for those of you who are like me and would rather read it!)

Crossing the River Meditation

Stillness invites.  

Deep Breathes.  

Relax, and relax and relax, let go.  

Bring your awareness into focus, what do you hear, what do you smell, what’s going on behind your eyelids, what’s going on in your body, tune in, 

really tune in.

Now move that awareness from your head into your body, the chest, the torso- like a child exploring a new place.  Find a comfortable spot here and allow your awareness to join in the relaxation.

We are going to cross the river.  The river is life.  Picture the river.  you are standing on the shore watching, feel the ground beneath your feet. First we are going to experience ourselves on this side of the river. 

On this side we have a chest, in the chest are three costumes.  You are able to slip these on with such ease that you don’t even notice your movement.  

We don’t like these costumes, but we are compelled to wear them, we are going to explore that.  We haven’t looked at this because we were a little frightened, so we are going to invite another to stand with us.  

See a wise being joining you, a safe and creative being who knows that these are costumes even when you do not.  Even when you have lost yourself in play, this being sees who you really are.

Allow a quiet moment of recognition to harmonize with this being, using any greetings that feel right and settle in together.  This being has been to the other side of the river and assures you that this is worth it.

When you are ready, lift open the chest and place on the first costume.  This costume can be called the victim.  Feel the victim, feel her or him fully, notice your body, notice the words in your head, notice the emotions, notice what you would like to do.  Knowing that your friend is right beside- you fully allow the victim to have his or her say without interruption, judgement or saving.  I will give you time to explore this NOW.  Allow her full expression.

When she feels fully explored you may notice new feelings and thoughts emerging, just watch them.  When she or he feels heard and seen, in this costume you are going to jump into the river and swim across.  

Your arrival on the other side is assured, even if you struggle.  

As you emerge from the river you notice that the costume has fallen off and you are standing there in your Natural state.  What was underneath the victim is the Creator. 

Once again notice how this feels, what you are thinking and what is going on for you.  Take a moment.

From this side of the river you notice that a part of you is still on the other side.  From this side your awareness slips easily back into this you.  This part of you now opens the chest and takes out another costume, this costume is labelled- the attacker, the aggressor.  His or her arm is raised and the whip is in hand, his or her words are ready and aimed.  Remember that your friend is with you and allow yourself to FULLY feel this part of you, experience it with great allowance and abandon.  Notice everything.  When you feel like you would like to swim across the river DONT- allow a little more- do this again and again until it feels like this character has been allowed his full say.  

When he is spent he can jump in the river and swim across, emerging naturally once again- costume falling off.  He is Safety.  Feel the safety, feel it in your entire body, feel it’s assuredness, confidence and knowing.  When you feel like you have met this person completely- and this is you- the natural you. Join hands with the Creator.  Where once stood victim and aggressor these two now stand and look into one another’s eyes.  Forgiveness is shared, shared means giving and receiving, any remnants of the costumes fall away.  When they are ready, hand in hand they look back across the river.  One more costume remains and they are eager to bring it all Home to this side of the river. 

Awareness back to the original banks, friend ready and near by.  You put on the final costume, the rescuer, the rescuer has been witnessing the goings on of the victim and aggressor and they intercede.  Explore the rescuer, explore the one who watches these battles and what is going inside of them, inside their bodies, their fears and hopes and emotions and thoughts.  

Explore her fully, explore her at different ages and angles.  When fully explored join hands with your friend for the final swim across the river, you are ready to let go of this side and see the other side.  You have fully experienced the game of victim and bully and bystander and rescuer.  You are READY for something else.

You jump in together and move to the other side- as you emerge- watch yourself, as you move towards the rest of you your heart is light.  Underneath this costume, which has disappeared in the river, you are LOVE.

Love emerges sparkling from the water, step in completely, feel Love, 

you     are    Love

Love is able to look back at the other side of the river and know that it is all okay, there is no longing and no seeking, only full acceptance, room for everything that seemed like was.  

Love greets Creation and Safety and they join hands.  Feel it.  Allow It, see what they want to do.  

You see now that you look like your friend, in your natural state you are very similar and yet your essence remains.  

You merge now into One again.  Love, Creation, Safety.  You Are.  You sit on the bank, more relaxed than you’ve ever felt before, the sun shining on you.  

You look in the river and see your reflection.  You know yourself as love, creation and safety and you feel the ‘note’ of it.  Hold the note, Hold the note.  Notice the notes of the rest of the people and things in this room, in your life,  feel the Harmony.  

 You will ask your friend to help you to resist the temptation to dive across the river again and put on the costumes, but if you do- you know that it’s okay.  You know the way back, you can go and play anytime that you want, just recognizing that it is your choice.  

As you continue to hold the note, when you are ready you will wiggle your toes here and now, you will open your eyes here and now and you will hold this note as long as you can.

I Love You.

Good Riddance 2012- I Love You

Good Riddance 2012- I Love You

This sums up the feelings I have about this past year. As I review my ‘vision’ board from last year I am in a giggle.

Look at that. Instead of manifesting type vision boards, I have chosen for the last couple of years to just shut the mind off and allow images that appeal to reveal themselves. After choosing way too many for my board last year this single image stuck. Me in bed- yikes- if I’d only known. There is some good analysis in this I’m sure, but I’ve grown weary of analysis and am settled instead on giggling.

Holiday conversations have been delicious, not in the words, but in the awareness of a depth behind the words, the unspoken ‘Wow, glad to be on the other side of that trip’ that so many of us are feeling. Gratitude and ‘Holy Fuck, what was that all about?’ wrapped into one.

I’m reflective that what has come home this year is that we are connected. Connected in many layers within ourselves and connected to one another. The Awareness of this is not always there- like an iPod playing with the headphones on, the music is playing, but if you don’t put them on you can’t hear it.

What has come home to me is that Heaven may actually be here, now. I can’t fully explain it, tragedies like the Sandy Hook school shooting certain don’t feel like Heaven is here now. Deep in me I hear ‘look again’ ‘look deeper’ ‘look with me’- and sometimes I even do.

What has come home to me is that Stillness heals. It just does.

I have been supported on every level this year, I’ve chosen Peace and it has found me again and again.

The value of sharing has been heavily reinforced.

Finally, what I’m taking with me from this year is the awareness that although there may be an instinct to ‘move away’ from an uncomfortable situation, whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual- going deeper into it will bring Truth. Being right where you are- aware of physical senses, emotional senses and the beyond that, all at the same time, just being ‘in it’ - whatever it is- resolves IT.

So I’m going IN to 2013- ALL IN. Knowing I’m not alone, knowing there is room for everyone and everything.

Heart Full, Thank You,
Fawna

Judge Away

“Judge not that ye be not judged” Matthew 7:1

As a seeker many paths seemed to lead to this idea of not judging. We do it (judge) relentlessly as well as hating it rigorously, hating it when we do it and hating it when we are the subject.

As we gathered last Monday, in the little cabin in my yard, we joined in a guided meditation. As I got quiet I noticed the flies in my cabin- buzzing and the judgments in my head- buzzing. Right behind the buzzing- STOP JUDGING- you are here in this “spiritual space” and you have idea’s about every person in here (including yourself). This was not the gentle Stop Judging of Spirit, it was the ego- jumping on the judgments- bad, bad, bad.

Intellectually I know that judgment is not good for me- the ME (the truth)- well- it is unaffected- wholeness is whole, love can only love. Judgment however holds me apart from this, it is the glue that keeps the idea of separation going.

Intellectually I know that I don’t want to sit on the seat of the judge, when I am identified with the independent, individual judge- WHO is not guilty? Blame or shame, it’s your fault or mine.

In a treatment recently I heard- quit trying to avoid being judged (by attempting perfection, trying so hard, trying to stay ahead of everyone, trying to anticipate everyone’s needs) you have been judged and the verdict is ...

INNOCENT

So as I sat in this meditation, hearing the little troll voice saying- you are judging, you are judging (in that sing-song mocking way), I asked Holy Spirit to look at this with me. I am willing to give up judgment, Holy Spirit what do I need to do?

The answer was a relief. I knew by the feeling and the lightness and the simplicity that this was Truth rather than troll.

“JUDGE AWAY”- wow- really? “BUT NOT BY YOURSELF” ahhhh

If we judge with Holy Spirit, with Love, with Jesus, with Buddha, with God, whatever you want to call it- what are we going to come to? Would Jesus say- yes, she is bad- she is a bad one, just plain bad- you are justified in this judgment- ha ha ha.

So the pressure to 'not judge' is off, and as is better for Me in all things, I only need to ask to have Divine assistance.

“WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!!"

The title of today’s blog refers to the feelings a lot of my friends (and hence me) on Facebook are having to Amanda Todd’s death.

Two of my dear friends, two kind and compassionate souls sent me a petition to sign.

As I was writing this blog in my head I thought “I take my relationships seriously, so I need to respond”- which led to a ‘laughing’ that I recognize as a spiritual teacher- Tomas Vieira reminding me not to do that- ha ha ha. His message consistently is “don’t take anything here seriously” Thank You Tomas. So to be clear, the petition triggered me.


What came up for me with the petition was ‘no’. The petition is to arrest the youth who cyber bullied Amanda. Here is the story (no more, no less than a story) that unfolded in my head. If these kids are arrested, well, what is that going to cost- is that where our policing dollars should go? What if they are arrested, will our penal system do anything helpful? Will they grow from being blamed and shamed? Does anyone? Will their parents respond helpfully- or will they be pissed off at the inconvenience and embarrassment of having their child outed, will be be less loving and angry with their child. phew- in a matter of moments a whole host of forgiveness lessons unfolded. Then I remembered to go in and see what Spirit had to say.


When I went in I saw a stick- the stick of duality. Any time we buy into duality, that we are separate, the rule of this world- when we pick up bullying we pick up bully. The response to an attack is to be victimized or to attack. Did that come up for you- in response to Amanda Todd, the desire to attack, the feeling of helplessness?


I was encouraged by spirit to put the stick down, just set it down and feel. How do I see this story without holding onto the stick?

Something in me screamed “BUT WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING, WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?”


do, do, do. The Ego’s drive- don’t think about what’s behind the do- just keep doing.

Spirit said “look”, so I looked at Amanda Todds story- as I had heard it told. I saw how this as a metaphor, a condensed version of our lives. Connect (her chatting on computer) be attacked, try harder, be attacked, try something else, being attacked and attacking herself throughout until- too much- too hard- take the body out.

And Spirit whispered words of my teacher:
“Do you want to understand or do you want Peace?” Tomas Vieira (to Nouk Sanchez)


How can we understand a story like this- which in truth- possibly to different degrees- is all of our story? I CAN follow it back, and back and back to a belief that we are not enough. I am not enough- this belief leads to these unintended consequences of attack and be attacked. If we got rid of computers we would get rid of cyber bullying, but as long as we believe that we are not connected we will feel vulnerable, when we feel vulnerable we will pick up the stick and it will show up in EVERY relationship. The internet is expanding the reach, making the pain more obvious, so that we can choose again.

Thoughts of “I am Whole” do not lead to attack and being attacked. The kids who bullied, the parents, Amanda, Amanda’s parents, Amanda’s grandparents and great grandparents, the bullies grandparents and You and Me...not enough. Here is where we can actually do something- despite what we see out there- we can choose to believe- believe that we are Whole, believe that everyone else is Whole. Seems big, just maybe crack the door open- I am willing to believe that I might be whole...Something stirs in me that this might be true (resist the temptation to collect evidence to the contrary).

Here is what I know. If I choose Peace first I will be led to the doing that is helpful. I will be kind to the people around me, and this person I believe to be me.
I may or may not sign the petition. I will not sign the petition out of attack, out of guilt, out of a false sense of understanding.

I so appreciate Jill and Ferlyn for their posts- their compassion for this girl- and for allowing me the chance to put the stick down for a couple of minutes and see my true choice.

Bless you Amanda Todd.

Link to the Petition

Choosing to Live

Choosing to Live

Okay, I’ve decided what I’m going to do, I’m going to live. I actually made this decision several months ago, but as the circle of this cancer story comes to completion I am now sitting in contemplation of when I believe this healing began.

To close this circle I want to tell you the beginning. It feels as if I have been open in this journey but have left out a major plot element, I have hinted at it, mentioned it, but never given you the whole story.

It feels like time to share the healing vision.

I began to experience throat pain last May. It was diagnosed as strep throat off and on all summer and fall. I spent the fall working hard at two jobs, visiting medical and alternative treatment providers and thrashing around fighting my mind. I realize in hindsight that the medical professionals were mirroring my decision not to deal with what grew into a massive tumor filling my sinus cavity and literally coming out my nose. Until it was ‘plain as the nose on my face’ we were complicit in ignoring symptoms.

When my misery; a constant snotty nose, a snotty eye, a large mass filling the left nostril and an inability to nose breathe whatsoever, coupled with fatigue and weight loss came to a peak I surrendered my stubborn will to ‘wish’ it away and revisited my doctor. No begging was needed, she said “OH MY GOD” when she looked up my nose. Now I waited to see a specialist, in this week the mass broke through the roof of my mouth, and growths showed up at my temple and on my neck, I called the doctor and said “I need to see someone NOW”.

We were on high speed from then. When I received the diagnosis of 'Recurring Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma' one of my first actions was to contact a spiritual mentor and heart sister (a few of them actually).

Stacy Sulley is an energy practitioner, I quickly scheduled an appointment with her. When she called I shared what had been the primary message I had been given. I have been cultivating a relationship with Spirit for several years and now regularly get messages- if I remember to ask. The message I was getting was “Pull it out by the root”. Stacy and I entered our session with this intention in mind.

This session was over the phone, I lay in my bed and put the speaker phone on my chest, closed the door and closed my eyes.

Stacy instructed me to breathe and we both became quiet, she repeated the intention to go to the root of the current issue. I dropped my awareness into my body, relaxing and allowing my consciousness to drift around the body. I don’t really have a sense of the time, but some time later I became aware of an intense irritation, and the sound of a baby crying. The plaintative sound of a newborn crying, the kind that puts most women on high alert. I sat with the crying, which I identified as me. I allowed that baby to cry and cry- witnessing. The story unfolded as follows- the baby was born (and I had a sense this was the first birth- not necessarily connected to my mother now) and the baby (I) was shocked and mad. “What the Hell is this?”, “It’s cold here”, “I don’t like it”, “Get me out of here” - I probably don’t have to spell it out- but this is what I saw as ‘the root’ of the current issue.

I spent quite some time listening to the baby tell it’s story, rant and rave and eventually it became quiet. I stayed with it. Suddenly there was a shift and the baby (I) was pulled back in- back to the womb. I experienced the birth experience again, this time warm, filled with love and understanding- aware. I was both watching and feeling this, and it gives me a big sigh even now.

I was thinking ahhh- there it is- that’s it- and then bam- I was going back in again- this time there was no womb, it was just space. Vast openness, and the words were ‘not expecting’, ‘no expectations’, a sense of Being.

I kind of came out of it there and said- OMG- Stacy did you see that? Did you feel that? She kind of chuckled and said, it’s not done yet.

I brought my awareness back to this space and asked the babies questions “what is this?” “what is the purpose of being here?” I asked again and again and there was a dawning understanding, a quiet voice (perhaps voices) patiently allowing me to ask the question again and again until I was hearing and feeling- there is no question, there are no questions- and YOU are the answer. Over and over again - YOU are the answer.

I feel vulnerable sharing this here, I hope you’ll feel the message behind this- as I don’t think I can actually put it clearly into words and it is almost like admitting something about yourself that you can hardly believe. I’m not sure why it feels so awkward, so embarrassing to express that I felt my Worth, my Power and inherent and everlasting ‘Yesness’. I heard it over and over again, “there is no question, you are the answer”.

I came out of the session, an hour and 1/2 later feeling a little shaken, but seriously happy to uncover a ‘death wish’.

I could see how I always saw spirituality, goodness, relief, happiness - out there- and had a general disdain for the world, the body, matter and materiality. I have been living a story of “Get me the hell out of here”, lost in mind and spirit, ignoring and attacking the body whenever possible.

This session was on a Friday evening (good Friday :)), I saw my sister in Law on Friday and on Sunday and she and I both believed that the tumor was smaller and I was healthier on Sunday- on Monday I had my first chemo. By the next friday there was no indication of the growth on my face, in my mouth, throat or temple.

I spent time praying on whether I needed to continue with Western Medicine, feeling strongly that I was healed. Thankfully the message was consistent- “you will complete your Western Medical treatment”. From that time on I have, despite treatment, gotten healthier and healthier, weight consistent with few side effects.

Nouk Sanchez (www.undoing-the-ego.com) shared her learnings with me and they resonated deeply. Truly acknowledging the power of the Mind, the power of what you ‘choose’- often unconsciously coupled with her newfound realization that we can hear/feel this IN the body.

I came across this from Eckhart Tolle:

“Your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it. It becomes a doorway into inner space. Although inner space has no form, it is intensely alive. that “empty space” is life in its fullness, the unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that Source is God.” Eckart Tolle

So at that moment, and now, here in the reflective space of this beautiful autumn I am choosing life. For quite some time I had “Follow Your Bliss” on my Facebook, what I didn’t know is that I had unconscious desires that were at odds with this- unconscious beliefs in a certain badness and a wish to destroy ‘Fawna’. The weird thing is, I do want to destroy Fawna, the Fawna that thinks she is this little helpless piece of meat, relating to (and often afraid of) the other pieces of helpless meat. I want to re-member that ‘Yes-ness’, the part that was created from the Divine- and remains Divine.

So, choosing Life, which means choosing Love, which means choosing All, without separations.

That’s what I’m going to do now.

Listen

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. We went away for family holiday for a week and now I’m 2 weeks into all three kids in school. Gus started graded one, Jakes in Grade 10 and Paige in Grade 9. I’m done treatment, officially on short term disability until October and have told my boss (brother) that I’m not coming back...

On Facebook I asked NOW WHAT- and I’ve been feeling NOW WHAT!

Talk about consistency, Spirit continues to echo the sentiment of my FAVORITE SONG ---

CLICK HERE ----

So did many of you. Here is the list of Facebook Suggestions:

* Golf
* Still until you hear what is next, in each moment
* Come to the studio and record something (Taylor Sound)
* Relax ?!
* Tahiti/Bora Bora
* Now is the time for whatever is in your heart.
* Trip to Canmore for lunch with Aileen
* Sounds like a great time to just be!!!! Focus on the things you love, and time with those who are most important to you.
* Let everyone come and visit you to join in your "sitting in stillness" ... um ... but combining a bit of laughter, coffee and hugs!
* No thing....
* Embrace what you have accomplished and make plans for the next fifty or more years.
* How about secretarial for your dad .that will keep you busy (My Dad has a fantastic book in him, gestation greater than an elephant).
* how 'bout WRITE a book ... your story?!?!

* Just be...:)

* Take up the hula hoop

* Or competitive lawn darts
* Blue haired pole dancer, spice it up, keep in shape, have a giggle and trying something different!
* Sit and it will come to you.... xoxo It's all perfect :-)xo
* If anyone can feel comfortable waiting for the next step it's you Fawna - hope you enjoy this time of quiet and rest.
* Open space for possibilities - wonderful!

* Have Dusty dress up in just chaps and spurs....

* Come decorate a nursery!

* we should go to the ocean and figure it out:)

* You could let your hair down (Blue) and do whatever is your pleasure!

* Nice-do whatever makes you happy Fawna! You deserve it!

* Good luck leaving the Ranch!!!
 (MOM!)
* You are in luck Fawna we are lookin for a pool girl!! Pay not great but the two peicer outfit will match the awesome blue hair!!!

* Take care of you, Lady.....

* I figure, it is time to just be.


So let me tell you friends- 2 weeks of ‘Being’ is HARD! Great of course, great to see how tempted I am to reacquaint with past behaviours of busy-ness and being ‘helpful’. How addicted I am to ‘think’ and ‘plan’ as opposed to just be.

I am following a couple of people on Facebook who are travelling the world guided by and trusting in Divine Providence. This means they are listening inside for where to go and when and trusting that funds, assistance and all needs will be met by God/Holy Spirit/The Universe. I have decided that I want to do that too- but here in Longview, in my family. So I wake up and say ‘Holy Spirit teach me, show me guide me and lead me in this day’.

One day I was led to watch the movie Ever After, a Drew Barrymore Cinderella story. The Cinderella story is one of my favourites.

The title of this blog is listen, I am listening to all of these cues, the song, the suggestions, my inner guidance- my teacher is LIFE.

Here is how I am seeing the Cinderella story in the Fawna context.

I have spent my life working, self righteously doing jobs, most in a a caretaker role and volunteering whenever possible (sometimes when not possible too!). Following the worlds ideal that you must effort, suffer, be nice, try harder- and be happy doing it.

I’m not complaining, or trying to paint a bad picture- it is very neutral- what I believed in at that time.

The evil stepmother and stepsisters are the ego- never good enough, always demanding, self satisfying, emphasizing having. The prince represents Holy Spirit- love at first site, providing everything without any expectations/requirements- only a choice- and it’s my choice.

Cinderella (me) is a the chooser, and I’m ready, I’m ready to put on my ball gown and put on the shoe that fits.

I know it doesn’t seems like we have a choice- we hide that choice from ourselves- the choice, that is NOT in the world, but in the mind- a choice of Purpose- to love or fear, to connect or to separate. The choice to Love and Connect requires worthiness- not to be earned, but to be accepted. I have already been judged by the Prince - judged innocent.

So this is what I’m doing, taking 2 weeks to write one blog, living like the girl on the front of the Titanic- at the edge of life, focus on mystery rather than ‘what I know is...”, moment by moment- catching when I run back on the boat and start rearranging chairs- lol!

I’d love to hear what your favourite songs, favourite stories say to you- the mythology of you. I love you.