Shaken, Not Stirred

Two weeks ago I got the great news that my PET scan was negative. I’ve had a lot of people ask, so briefly, a PET scan shows metabolic activity, they show cells that consume sugar for energy, a negative indicates that there is not ‘life’ where there shouldn’t be. Great News!
In the same breathe I was told that we would be quickly beginning radiation. This would require cleaning up any dental problems that have the potential for becoming infected.
After a peaceful morning, Dusty and I in conversation and lots of laughing while we waited for the doctor I left the office shaky. I was crabby and couldn’t wait to get somewhere and have a drink. My legs were literally weak and I felt off balance.
The image I have in my head is a jar of oil and water, where I had been in quite a still place where the two substances- or mindsets- love and fear- had been settled, separated and easy to see, for whatever reason (I'd like to blame radiation and dentistry but I know that the shaking comes from the inside not the outside), the jar was completely shaken and I've spent the past two weeks shifting between love and fear. Since my goal is to live in Love this is not a bad thing, I want to be shaken so I can see what's in there. It's like a background program running on your computer.
So- what this looks like is two weeks of wrestling. I know that to settle I need stillness, fear however has two reactions- fight or flight, definitely not stillness. Despite hearing the gentle wisdom inviting me inwards I often chose to stay busy or irritated. No guilt, just noticing. Finally, three days ago I sat still in the morning, commiting to alignment with Love, allowing That to fill me up. Ahhhh- the days slow down, irritation subsides and opportunities open up.
My process with the fear is not to cover it up- or affirm it away, as I've said before this is a bit like putting a nice blanket on a dog poo. The dog poo is still there, stinking and never completely hidden. If I'm in fear of any kind (irritation, anger, sadness). Then I know I'm choosing to Believe something that's not True. In the past two weeks I've uncovered mistaken beliefs in the 'value' of money, the power(?) of the body, viruses, infections, radiation and the concept of torturing/being tortured. My two and a half hour dentist appointment was a roller coaster - mind watching and releasing that reminded me of cleaning our junk drawer- wow, stuff in there that I didn't realize!
It's been a bit like living in a split screen where I can see how the ego (fear) would have had me just suffering non stop with sad stories and poor me's as opposed to gratitude and 'bring it on', 'let it rip!'.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's what makes the question "how are you?" difficult. On the physical- I'm doing great- the last chemo I had hardly any side effects. Mentally/emotionally I've been shaken- but that's okay, and spiritually? Better than ever.
I have to mention here that some people found the mask pictures disturbing, my Mom says I should let you know that I had the Best time there. The two radiation therapists and I laughed and visited for 40 minutes.., the back of the mask is a foam that warms and expands around your head and neck and the front is warm and meshy- not hard to breathe at all. It was in fact spa-like and 90 % less uncomfortable than most beauty treatments (definitely nicer than a Brazilian wax!).
I am going into 20 treatments of radiation feeling clearer every day, divine guidance and my doctor are in agreement that this is happening. I have no idea why, but that is part of the fun. Living in the Mystery, stop pretending that I 'know' why, what, trusting that I'm loved and supported. Even with these blogs, I'm writing without planning or editing and the feedback has been gorgeous. I am completely reinforced that living without being guarded, without hiding things (to the degree that I'm able) leads to Miracles and connection.
Feeling it all,
Fawna

Deserve?

A friend asked if I pre- write my blogs. It seems like they ‘percolate’, bubbling up until all of a sudden they are ready to be written.

Yesterday I had the prompt that this one was READY!

The prompt was a Facebook comment. I had gone on an overnight retreat Tuesday and had outlined what a great time it was , one of my friends commented “Well deserved...”

About a month ago my husband mentioned that he didn’t think the kids ‘deserved’ lunch money. The reaction that I had was confusion- what does that even mean?

It seems that we have set up an economy of deserved ness. Depending on how much you suffer, you will be given your allotment of nice. The amount will be in direct correlation to how much you believe you are worth- with extra credit to you if you have some sort of pain, struggle or victim hood.

The amount will be completely arbitrary depending on the person, and I'm noticing that most people think someone else's suffering is worse than their own. Unless of course they have denied themselves long enough to hit "what about me????".

Can you see how this economy is self perpetuating and keeps us in a cycle of suffering punctuated by small oasis of happy or good or nurturing?

How often do we justify meeting our own needs over another's needs because of this concept "this will hurt them, but dammit- I deserve it". I don't have a problem with this except for because we are One- any acts of separation will ultimately feed guilt, keeping the whole machine in perpetual motion.

We have elevated cancer to the realm of awful where you deserve everything! We were cracking up at a golf tournament when I revealed my bald head and 'puss in boots' face to be the next table up to the buffett.

When I meditate on Deserve I find no such concept in Love. Or another way to look at it - an all encompassing idea- All deserving all!

All deserving All? It's so foreign to this world that the mind goes -what? Crazy talk Fawna- that can't work?

The concept of punishment and reward is deeply embedded. I'm only suggesting 'what if?'.

What if you deserve to be happy as a birthright? What if you stopped denying yourself or your people dependent on perceived worth? What if we trusted that our needs and others would be met without our continual interference in the form of "this is fair and this is not fair" that is handed out from a very limited space of awareness. Wow- longest sentence ever! What I'm saying is, we don't have the big picture- on our selves or anyone else, we can agree on that, right? Yet we continually think that we know who deserves what, and how much. The formula is complicated and unique dependent on how you were raised, no wonder we disagree so much!

Continually on this journey I've caught myself going to turn the tap of receiving down - or off- "okay- that's enough- a week in Santa Fe, stop the good for a while- you have your cup full". We all know that person "no, I'm good, I'm fine, that's enough.". That's enough? Says who? How do you know?

Have you ever had that sense that when things are going great that there is some form of payment lurking in the background? Some sort of suffering will need to balance out this goodness. I know a lot of us with healthy kids live with this "I have so much- what's gonna happen?". Some of us will self limit in the hopes of preventing having to 'pay' for good.

And of course there are the the ones who never have enough!

This reminds me that in Truth we want Love- no other commodity can replace it.

We all deserve Love, all of it, tap wide open. It's the only currency that multiplies as we give or receive it. The retreats, gifts, goodies of this world are stand ins. It is a process though, accepting the good here is a way to start embodying your self worth.

We have laughed several times over the past few months about my "get out of jail Free card".

My process over the last few months has been a giving control over to God (the Universe, consciousness, whatever you call it). This idea of deciding/knowing who deserves what- both suffering and joy, seems to be one that has so many unintended consequences when I think I am qualified to be the judge.

One way to help with this process is appreciation, I love how this is also a word we use for growing money. When we appreciate receiving we seem to avoid thoughts of too much or not enough. Truly grateful for this forum to share thoughts!

I think that's all I have to say about that...

Love,
Fawna

From. Afar.

I am smiling and jumping with excitement to share a note from my friend Tia.
As I wrote to Tia, thank you for giving helplessness a voice, I know that this will be helpful.
This is a shared experience and if we can be open to every voice we will have an amazing choir- that’s what I want.
Embrace it all, no man (woman) (transgendered/neutral) left behind.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Tia. When this is over we will go out for lobster.




Gus will stand in for anger and frustration:

"Hi Beautiful ... I cannot stop thinking about you. I stole your blog title and wrote ...

I'm sorry if the obscenities offend ... I wanted you to know.



Everyday Aha: From. Afar.

As I sit and re-read Fawna’s blogs for the millionth time, feeling like a stalker monitoring her page, I am struck by the “somethings” that are stirring inside me. Okay, not stirring, but like my six-year old says, “Mommy, it feels like there is a lobster in my tummy that keeps snapping its pinchers inside me. It hurts. I don't know if I'm mad or sad or worried”. So, for some unknown reason, I feel compelled to blog (not that I have my own) about these “lobsters” in my tummy whenever I creep Fawna’s page for an update.

“Everyday Aha: From Afar” – this title guides my writing at this very moment. The internet tab on my computer which reads “FaceBook” is something that I click on every ten minutes with Fawna’s page just to see if there is an update. This all started about two weeks ago when my BlackBerry lost every piece of data I had in it and none of it was recoverable. I sent out a mass email for my contacts (of which Fawna was one) to send me their information once again. As always, Fawna is the “first on the scene” and responded within mere moments to my “distress” – giving me every phone number that she thought I might need. I texted her later that week – suggesting coffee – with her replying that when she returned from her retreat, it was a plan in the works. Because Fawna seems to always be on these self-discovery retreats, I went on her FaceBook page to see what she was up to this time … thinking maybe she was learning some new skill with those rocks that people use for massage, some new meditation technique or a new idea for helping people …

I cried. From. Afar.

Since then, I have thought about Fawna every day – almost every hour of every day … I’m sure her loved ones think about her every millisecond of everyday … and those “somethings” just won’t stop going … damn lobsters. In an effort to put it out there “From Afar” and after being inspired by Dusty’s Blog: “How the Fuck do you think I’m doing”, I thought maybe it was time to share thoughts. From. Afar.

I don’t intend to make this blog about me but hopefully, some of these words are echoed by others. From. Afar.

Here we go … From. Afar. I think:

1. Really?!?! Again?!?! What the FUCK?!?!
Cancer? Yes, you! You are an asshole.

2. Fucking Bring IT!!!
Cancer? You chose the wrong lady. You are evil and bad and unfortunately for you – you are going to get your ass kicked again … I’m all for watching you shrink and shrivel. For the benefit of us all, go the FUCK away quickly … and stay gone. A’right?

3. Pick on Someone Else!
Can’t you see, Cancer? Fawna is NEEDED, LOVED, ESSENTIAL and BEAUTIFUL!! She is everything you aren’t. You sneak the fuck up on people … impose yourself where you aren’t wanted and on the people that deserve (not that anyone does) you the LEAST. Hear me? Fuck off!

4. What does one say? From. Afar?
As a social worker for two decades, I am supposed to figure out the words that have meaning and are appropriate and make things “better”. It’s like wanting to put on a band-aid, buy a big fucking lollipop and a pony to make it all “okay”. I cannot. I cannot make it better (meaning make the cancer go away), I cannot find the words to tell Fawna how it feels to see her body hurting (From.Afar), I cannot find the logic to understand when Fawna tell us everything is okay, that she feels good, that she is peaceful and happy and not want to yell out loud - obscenities! From. Afar.

5. Is Fawna really okay? From. Afar?
I have the qualitative opportunity to know Fawna and her family over the years – although quantitatively, have not had the time that lots of others have spent with her. Fawna, the epitome of grace, kindness, love and “putting everyone else before herself”, would tell everyone that she is okay. But is she really? That’s my question and I may not have the context that others have to accurately know. From. Afar. I search her pictures, her eyes, wonder what her thoughts are when she is alone … and wonder if she is really okay? Really? Okay? Truth be known, I think she might be doing better than the rest of us.

6. There are NO other options. From. Close. And. Afar.
There are no options. Just like there weren’t when Fawna first battled this demon. If anyone in this world has the spirit and love to overtake this beast, it’s Fawna. She is love … LOVE … and there is nothing else more powerful in this world to erase the bad … all of us combined, there is NO other option.

7. All of my Wishes. From. Afar.
Fawna? You have all of my wishes, my hopes and my most pleading prayers that I’ve saved up and never used. You have all of my dreams that I missed wishing on that falling star … you have my warmest of hugs, my most pleading and hoping of tears, my respect, my admiration for your strength and grace … and all of the blessing that the Grandfather’s and God will bring.

Love. From. Afar.
Tia"

How is Dusty Doing?

A few weeks ago I began to get asked “How is Dusty Doing?” again and again. I asked him if he would do a blog, or tell me and I would post it. He obliged, and I remember his entire blog word for word:

“How the Fuck do you think I am?” Dusty Bews

I was thinking that would have a strong appeal to my family who all profess to have ADD (and have noted that my blogs are too long).

I have laughed about his statement over and over. That’s how it is with Dusty, he makes me laugh because he says things that I may have thought but don’t think to say.

Dusty has been a rock. He knocked it out of the park 12 years ago- proving that he took the “In sickness and in health” promise seriously. He remembers every med and blood count and detail, allowing me to float in my rainbow haze loving everyone.

He was with me when I was diagnosed, I went to “Shit I have to tell everyone” and he went to “Fuck, I don’t want to have to watch you go through this again”. Once we got over this we are united in knowing that I will get through this better than anyone can believe, laughing at all the dark humour that emerges in the situation and stepping up to the task of helping manage me, the kids and our life, while still working 40+ hours per week.

Dusty does not allow me to wallow in self pity, giving 'to the point advice' as needed “If you would get off of your ass you would feel better”. I am grateful that we have some wonderful friends and our parents that he can lean on.

When we went through this in 2000 he quit work (was working on the movie “The Claim” at Fortress) and was with me every step of the way- doing puzzles, remembering and watching me. He just told me that he doesn’t do puzzles this time. Over the years I’ve often thought that that time was harder on him than me. I remember saying “Geez Dusty, when’s the bad part- I feel great”, He said “Honey, you are as high as a kite”. I’m sure you all get it- and hence the question “how is Dusty doing?”.

Now don’t get me wrong, he’s not ready for sainthood yet, his bickering with our 13 year old makes me want to tear out my itty bitty hairs.

In my opinion Dusty is doing great, he is here, he is supportive, he is understanding and he is fun. I feel lucky.

Here is the Mothers Day gift that Dusty made me- a raised garden (planted on Sunday with the help of my friend Suzi).

Pause, Rewind, Fast Forward

It’s been a little bit since I blogged and I’ve been getting word that a few of you are worried. May need to get a live cam, reality show type crew to follow me, your worry on me is wasted. I am happy as a clam. Today, I noticed that I was completely content; I was doing my taxes, I have chemo. tomorrow and a PET scan on Wednesday and I was as happy as I was in Pecos, NM on retreat.

I stepped out of my ‘regular’ life for a week in a Monastery in New Mexico on a retreat with teachers Nouk Sanchez, Carrie Triffet and Stacy Sully. Their teachings are based on A Course In Miracles, a text who’s main tenants are making the choice between Faith and Fear and using Forgiveness as a tool to invite Peace, Love and Harmony into your life. These gentle and humble teachers invited an honest look at our thinking and gave us the tools to ‘let go’ and to ‘embody’ the Miracle Maker. Thanks to the loving support of Dusty, the kids and our families I was able to completely immerse myself in the quiet time and the connection to Spirit, I can’t think of a nicer gift. Taking the time to stop and go within (Pause) allows me to see the ‘crazy making’ thoughts that are ever present (Rewind) and then to shoot closer to the awareness that I Am Love. This sense has begun to fill me, warming me and drawing me closer to everyone- friends, family and beautiful strangers on the shuttle.

This presence was welcomed as I returned to hear that my sister in laws parents, long time neighbours had been in a head on collision and were fighting for their lives. As with the story of cancer, this is a shared experience, felt deeply by a wide circle and weighing heavily on those closest to the family. My brother and sister in law (not the same one) were the first on scene and handled it unbelievably well, but were understandably shaken.

The overwhelming sense that I have is that we are all in this together, that in sharing our vulnerability we show that we no longer need the strong defences, the walls, the misguided controlling behaviours that keep us separate. Our connection is our strength.

So, if you are wondering how I am, I have to say better than ever. I’m in a space where the words are not quite enough, so I ask you to stop now, close your eyes and drop your awareness into your body, the heart, the belly- drop in, tune in and join me in the openness here. I ask you to feel how I’m feeling, and I assure you that you will not be worried any more.

Love You!

Focussing on the Gifts

We have been without internet for a week so it was a chance to unplug (aka torture the teens).

Where I’m at right now is a week after the second chemotherapy. I met with my lovely team, 2 doctors and a nurse at Tom Baker on April 27th to get the low down on their plan. They were thrilled with the results of the initial treatment and how I was feeling. In a short visit they lined out their plan to treat this as a ‘new’ occurrence and therefore take least invasive measures first (yay!). Three sessions of RCHOP (chemotherapy) followed by a PET scan and radiology consult. I was thrilled- 2 more sessions- easy peasy!

Over the time since the first chemotherapy I continued to accept offers of supplemental treatments, I had a Reiki + session with Sandy Day from High River. I made a commitment to see Sandy for her nurturing treatments monthly in 2005,
in May of that year I became miraculously pregnant with Gus. I had been told that I would NOT become pregnant after the Stem Cell Transplant and had in menopause for years. Sandy is where I go when I want to feel complete unconditional love and attention.

The second week I had a “Journey” session with Deb Elliot from Millarville, this was a profound session, uncovering beliefs about being ‘let down’ by ‘spiritual teachers’, being betrayed, not being trusted and not trusting. In uncovering these I am able to choose again, to choose to trust and heal. I have had several people say “I couldn’t do that, I’m not that in tune”, it’s just not true, there is an element of fear in looking at these beliefs and a stronger relief when you have the courage to do so. The power of these sessions are that they take you right to your Source, to your Truth and allow you to access that Wisdom- all in a couple of hours of guided meditation.

In the final ‘rest’ week I had a massage/CranioSacral treatment and Oxygen therapy with Sheila Harvey at the beautiful Chimney Rock Wellness Retreat.

I have continued to receive distance healing from yoga groups, drum groups, healers and prayer circles from everywhere.

The morale support on Facebook and in email has been remarkable, people reaching out with their love and their own stories.

I finished reading Wayne Dyer’s “Wishes Fulfilled” and Anita Moorjani’s “Dying To Be Me”.

After waking drowned in hair last Sunday Dusty shaved my head, I let it go too far to do the mullet or mohawk! It’s been a week and - for goodness sake it is growing! Gus found it scary at first and then enjoyed scaring his friends with it (my bald head) this week.

Chemotherapy last Monday was much quicker, I spent a couple of hours sleeping through it and just managed it much better this past week. I actually took all the medications I was supposed to (lol) and did my best to truly rest (realizing this is not my strong suit). The chemotherapy leaves me feeling ‘hungover’- tired, gross taste in the mouth and nauseated however, after months of feeling miserable I would say that overall I am feeling better. By Thursday I was well enough to take the 3 kids shopping and go to Costco. I saw Sandy Day again and today was treated to a visit and a Crystal Healing Kit from Grace Diamond.

I continue to wake in the middle of the night with meditation and insights. This week is what about eliminating dis-ease, and my desire to remove all barriers to Ease. Ease in relationships, ease in support, ease in health, in every area. I saw how the current situation is a chance to grind to a halt. A chance to redirect towards heart centred living, a chance to stop ‘trying’ to be perfect and accept my perfection- as is, here and now. I also have a strong sense that all of this is happening through me, not by me, that Grace is acting on me in a way that is NOT under personal control and that theree is a sense of evolution to it- it’s just time. Time to give up one way of living for another. Without judgement on the past or on what ‘other’ people are doing.

What this adds up to is GRATITUDE. I continue to allow myself to Love and Be Loved - allowing pieces of dis-ease with this to fall away. I have had miraculous support all around me, from my husband and kids to our accountant, lawyer and banker (seriously!) and everyone in between.

This weekend I booked flights to New Mexico to join the Power of Power Retreat. I will step away from my life for a week and I look forward to the opportunity to step away from old roles- Mom, Wife, Daughter as well as this recent role of ‘cancer person’. I look forward to listening and hearing.

I don’t have a point today, sharing more than anything, sharing all of it.

Dusty and I have both been struck by our ‘fear detector’, the room when we left chemotherapy on Monday was FULL of it, heavy, choking fear and despair. Dusty mentioned ‘they should have comedians in here’. The loss of hair seems to trigger people, both of us feeling their terror as a discordant hum. This hits us mostly as a surprise as we are not in a space of ‘Fawna is dying’ and so when we see it sets us back, Dusty usually starts to laugh, it doesn’t seem to last long when people tune in.

I’m grateful for all of you who are following and participating in this journey, we are in this together and I invite you to love yourself with me. I’d really like to hear some feedback from some of you for what’s going on with you too- share your insights, your growth, your miracles.

In Peace,
Fawna

I Heard the Little Scream

If you read one of my recent posts you will remember that my son Jake said “Mom, What if the tumour screamed a little scream as it died?”. Well this week I heard the little scream, but it wasn’t the tumour, it was ‘helpful, helpful Fawna’. Like in the Wizard of Oz she was screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting”.

I have had very clear prompts from the Holy Spirit that this is a time of Receiving and a chance to let go of some well worn patterns. Without guilt, without a belief that I’ve done something wrong. With the realization that much (not all) of my ‘helping’ came from disguised righteousness, lack of belief in other people or God, a ‘Saviour Complex’, a need to be seen as ‘nice Fawna’, all from the ego.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Hot Tub Lifeguard

So here’s how it showed up this week, I’ve been being really good about not helping- when I don’t feel good, when I had my treatment with Velva Dawn I was told that I am in a ‘candy wrapper’ and am not to come out until the time is right. On Wednesday I reached my little T-Rex arm out when a client from the Inn called “Fawna, You are the only one I can trust”- good one ego! By the end of the day I was exhausted and all of those who’ve been guarding me were pissed right off!

That night I had a dream with the same theme, my cousin ‘needed’ me and it was crucial- it was 50% of her mark! In the dream we were both stressed right out.

I woke up in the morning and heard the little scream. One of my spiritual mentors said to me a few weeks ago- “what parts are you not going to salvage, are you not going to save, this is an opportunity to step out of the ‘character’ of Fawna”.

So this begs the question, “Isn’t it good to help?”, of course it is, in the movie “Happy” by Tom Shadyac he talks about helping as one of the most helpful steps towards happiness. What I’m talking about is letting go of the helping with strings, the kind that leads you to resentment, or the manipulative helping- the helping that is to prevent conflict or criticism (hmm...that’s me).

Many times I’ve said to my clients- if you are a helper you cannot and will not stop helping- it’s about putting yourself in the mix. So I guess the truth is - I’m not stopping helping (I LOVE helping), I’m helping myself right now.
I know there have been times in my life where my closes circle is exasperated with me, my parents will recognize my need to rest and they will take the kids and while they are gone I will go and help someone move, or sit with a depressed friend.

The actions are not wrong in Any Way- actions are neutral. I’m asking myself- “What Is Behind This?” “Why am I doing this?” “Is this an Obligation or a Heart Desire?” “Ego or Highest Self?"

Self Awareness means taking a look at every action, every thought, every reaction- “Why?”. I want to be a teacher of light, love and wholeness, I no longer desire to feed the pain and suffering that keeps the idea of Separation going. I’M MELTING Clip