You Matter

In my posts recently I may have talked about ‘letting go’ or ‘going in’ or ‘undoing’ and I have had some people expressing that “Sometimes Fawna I have no idea what you are talking about”.

I woke up at 4 am this morning with a concrete example of the process I am currently going through with this and want to share with you the last 20 minutes.

I woke up with the mind busy, as happens. I was watching how a post earlier in the evening, a post from a friend who’s parents are separating showed the family sign where the woman’s name has now been chiseled off was affecting me.

“what about this bugs me so much?” I am not alone- sometimes just putting it on someone else for a second so I can see it better works, I tried it out on my friend and on her Mom. “This feels significant” “Why is chiseling a name off seem like such a deep hurt, on some level it’s just a sign- what does it matter?” PING, the word matter had a tiny ‘hey there’ quality. “It’s like she’s just been erased, like she just didn’t matter”.

At this point I can feel a truth feeling descend on me- an ‘oops, there it is’.

So I take it home.

In my minds eye I explore “You Don’t Matter” and I feel the vague rumblings over the past few days, under the gratitude for your outpouring a faint “Why Me?, It’s too much?, Strong?” A subtle minimizing of your overtures. I noticed the itchiness of “Why are you blogging anyway- are you just trying to get attention?, Who really cares? Does it really matter?”. I watch in my mind and see how there is indeed a tiny sliver of me that holds the belief- a part of me that while watching a friend who wants to kill herself this week say ‘well, it doesn’t really matter, life is eternal, there is no loss in the Universe’- a spiritual truth in one way but in the feeling of it a dullness, a despair, a quality of ‘meh- you live and then you die, that’s the way it goes- IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER”.

So when this exploration feels complete I noticed in my body that there has been a tension in my back, running all the way from head to toe like a sheet. I have been attempting to fully, fully relax this week and this sheet remains.

Finally I make the decision that I am going to put this on the altar before Jesus (my own little visual that works for me, it changes from time to time). As I am moving towards the altar in my mind it feels like I have a ‘sacred cow’, “You Don’t Matter” has a weight and a quality of ‘my precious’. In my mind I place this before my loving companion, my confident, my friend Jesus and he smiles at me. I feel myself let the weight go and I rest in allowing Grace to take the residue from me and allow me to Choose again.

I sit in “You Matter”, I say it to myself over and over- feeling the tension lift, I say it in my head over and over until it morphs into “I Matter” as I begin to personalize it. I Matter.

This is not I matter in a world way- not in a “you matter to your kids, people rely on you, people need you” sort of way. This is the essence under that, You Matter just because, because you are part of all of this and for absolutely no reason at all- it just is- You Matter, I Matter.

Thanks, Love You