Trying Peace vs. Peace

Two teeth pulled and 3 temporary fillings. This was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the dental work I am potentially facing. Obviously there has been a reluctance to visit these professionals for some time, reluctance in this case is a major understatement. To be perfectly honest I was in fact hoping for a Miracle healing, I even googled it, “Healing Teeth with the Mind”. I believe that Shirley MaClaine may have done it.

The truth is, tooth work is relatively benign, particularly in this day and age of numbing and sedation. There seemed however to be no way to move this information from my brain to my body. My body in the dentist chair would seem to become seized with anxiety, a vibrating mass of concrete. I would feel tortured with a hangover of intense freezing that would seem to come on as soon as I got into my car after the appointment.

I would often lament “My teeth are fine until I go to the dentist” and - “I believe in Fairies but I don’t believe in Dentists”. I am smiling as I write this.

Over the past 12 years I have been intensely reading, reading to figure this whole shit show out. I continue to resonate with similar themes, themes of personal responsibility, the power of the mind and the Grace within each and every one of us. Many paths preach these same idea’s. So it is with these eye’s that I look at the current situation.

As I shared in the last post the idea’s of radiation and dentistry rocked my boat. During the 2 and 1/2 hour dental examination (required for preparation of radiation) I experienced a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and beliefs- finding myself mistakenly identified as the torturer and the tortured.

So, how did the actual treatment go? I was sharing with a friend that during the treatment (as mentioned in the first sentence) I noticed the difference between trying to be peaceful and Being Peaceful. She said I should write that down, so here I am.

As I sat in the chair I could feel the familiar heart racing, this was confirmed by the dentist “is your heart rate always this high?” as the computer showed it at 99 beats per minute. With some deep breathing I was able to calm this somewhat.

What I believe may be helpful is the internal dialogue. It feels important to state here that there has been an ‘impersonal’ element to this entire situation over the past few months. This is not ‘my’ cancer, ‘my’ cancer treatment nor ‘my’ dentistry. I have not tried to cultivate an impersonal feel to it- that is just how it feels and that is why it’s been easy to share with you. I don’t actually know what any of this is for - despite the vast number of theories that my analyzing (anal- yzing as my friend Tomas would say) mind would like to put forth.

So my internal dialogue is full of idea’s from A Course In Miracles, The Bible, The 4 Agreements, The Power of Now and Loving What Is- books that resonate and speak to me even before I can put their concepts into action.

Back to the chair. I lay there encouraging my body to relax, noticing everything- grounding (a process of bringing awareness to my feet- growing roots out, bringing myself completely into the body). Fears of pain and loss of control began to show up and in response I said (inside) “I am not upset for the reason that I think (the dentist) where is this coming from” Backing it up I notice that I am not feeling safe and I follow I know that thoughts precede feelings and that beliefs precede thoughts. I believe that I am not safe, I believe that I am this small body that can be harmed, I believe that this dentist is outside of me and a threat to me- when I am meditating I sit longer with these kind of beliefs, agreeing to disagree- remembering who I am and handing them over (to Jesus usually for me) and choose again. I shortcut as I’m in the chair and they are commencing treatment- I am safe, I am loved, the dentist has only my best in mind for me. I find these affirmations most helpful only after uncovering what is causing my discomfort in the first place. When I try to use them to cover the panic without looking at it- well, I can hear the ‘bullshit’ right behind each affirmation- not as helpful.

As they settle in- and quickly- no time between freezing and work and yet fully frozen, my mantra switches to “there is no problem here”, this is a fairly recent addition, switching me from looking at what is wrong to settling into the ‘is’. I also remind myself that all I jwant is Peace of mind (in the past I believe I wanted “get this over as soon as possible”). In this time I am also talking to my teeth. Thank You for what you have done, you are going to be taken out, this is for the highest good- and a voice comes in - a voice of one of my spiritual teachers- “you take these teeth very seriously” and I lighten out of giving too much to the teeth but feeling good about the acknowledgment nonetheless.

All of this is helpful, the relaxation, the mantra’s, the mind watching and then- bam- GRACE. Oh, what a difference, suddenly, from within, welling up like a spring emerges from the earth - Peace and Calm. Peace and Calm without trying, peace and calm filling me, sending me into a space that is bigger than my body, feeling the sameness between the dentist, hygenist and myself. In this space my eyes feel heavy and instead of panic I almost feel like I could fall asleep while the dentist is dismantling my broken teeth and efforting them out! I am aware of a spaciousness inside and it is all okay. I still feel the pressure of the dentist exertion, I am aware of him saying “you are doing so well”. At this point I have a coughing fit, this too is no problem, we all take a break and I continue to sit peacefully, not trying to do anything, not trying to quit coughing or ‘tough it out’. We settle back in and the last piece pops out. We are done in an hour.

As I write this I feel that same feeling popping in, I would love to hear if you feel it too. I am impelled to write and publish this before we head out to the Calgary Stampede. Peace and Calm. Fawna