Relaxing into Completion

Radiation ends
Modern medicine meets soul
Cancer - Zero Fawna - Two

By: Dear Friend Kim Page Gluckie

AHHHHHH...first weekday in 4 weeks with no trip to the cancer centre. On friday my parents drove me for my last radiation session, last time locked into the mask for a short but sometimes distressing 10 minutes. I had some moments of near panic in that mask and some moments of deep peace. One day I saw myself sitting in the audience watching the treatment like a show, sharing popcorn with the Holy Spirit. This last day the message was “you are not trapped”, ahhhhh- felt it more than I heard it.

So I got off the table, was informed by the tech that lots of laughing and smiling creates faster healing, hugged my techs and BURST out crying on my way out. Another hug with the nurse and I sashayed out. The crying felt like relief, isn’t it amazing how we can be ‘holding it all together’ and not even realize it?

SO, it feels like a time for reflection. A super easy going reflection though as opposed to a ‘figure my life out’ intensity that I felt 12 years ago after treatment. I feel like wearing flip flops (I’m actually wearing a 1970’s mumu that was my grandmas’ as I write this) and just relax, inner tube floating vibe.

3 chemotherapies, 20 radiation sessions, mind watching all the way supported by energy work and a 'force of nature support' circle. Wow, as I write this I realize I’m exhaling, and exhaling...

The cancer has been a backdrop for RECEIVING (capitalized because it has been in such a big way), trusting and looking beyond appearances. A personal relationship with the Divine has been enhanced and oh so helpful.

Western treatment has a defined beginning and end, I’ve felt ‘healed’ (of the seeming cancer) for some time now, so while I’m of course glad that ‘it’s over’ there is also a sense of continuum, of the flow of life. I’m having a difficult time putting it into words; as I’ve gone through this I’ve realized how much investment we have put into the BIGNESS of cancer and equally cancer treatment- both alternative and western. This is a SERIOUS illness and requires IMMEDIATE and FULL attention. I’m laughing as I write this. In no way am I trying to minimize this experience, or anyone else's- okay, maybe I am, shit.

Would it be bad to minimize it- at least take a bit of the teeth out of it? The truth is - we all have crap- scary crap, all of us. Even if you mastered 'not suffering' - there was a time that you HAD crap, it’s part of being here. We have taken all of these experiences and labelled them, we have quantified and qualified them, we have diverse horror scales (where cancer usually scores high) which may include divorce, bankruptcy, bad shoes, and so on.

I’ve shifted from believing that the suffering comes from outside in to believing that it is from the inside out. On a more positive note- the Peace is in there too.

As I move into the Peace, letting go of a ‘personal’ Fawna who ‘things happen to’- I hope you are feeling the compassion in this rather than a detachment- I’m moving more into Me- fun, joyful, free me and more into being able to know you- rather than judging who you are and where you are at.

Fun, Joyful, Free. Ahhh...not much more to say for now...exhaling.