Choosing to Live

Choosing to Live

Okay, I’ve decided what I’m going to do, I’m going to live. I actually made this decision several months ago, but as the circle of this cancer story comes to completion I am now sitting in contemplation of when I believe this healing began.

To close this circle I want to tell you the beginning. It feels as if I have been open in this journey but have left out a major plot element, I have hinted at it, mentioned it, but never given you the whole story.

It feels like time to share the healing vision.

I began to experience throat pain last May. It was diagnosed as strep throat off and on all summer and fall. I spent the fall working hard at two jobs, visiting medical and alternative treatment providers and thrashing around fighting my mind. I realize in hindsight that the medical professionals were mirroring my decision not to deal with what grew into a massive tumor filling my sinus cavity and literally coming out my nose. Until it was ‘plain as the nose on my face’ we were complicit in ignoring symptoms.

When my misery; a constant snotty nose, a snotty eye, a large mass filling the left nostril and an inability to nose breathe whatsoever, coupled with fatigue and weight loss came to a peak I surrendered my stubborn will to ‘wish’ it away and revisited my doctor. No begging was needed, she said “OH MY GOD” when she looked up my nose. Now I waited to see a specialist, in this week the mass broke through the roof of my mouth, and growths showed up at my temple and on my neck, I called the doctor and said “I need to see someone NOW”.

We were on high speed from then. When I received the diagnosis of 'Recurring Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma' one of my first actions was to contact a spiritual mentor and heart sister (a few of them actually).

Stacy Sulley is an energy practitioner, I quickly scheduled an appointment with her. When she called I shared what had been the primary message I had been given. I have been cultivating a relationship with Spirit for several years and now regularly get messages- if I remember to ask. The message I was getting was “Pull it out by the root”. Stacy and I entered our session with this intention in mind.

This session was over the phone, I lay in my bed and put the speaker phone on my chest, closed the door and closed my eyes.

Stacy instructed me to breathe and we both became quiet, she repeated the intention to go to the root of the current issue. I dropped my awareness into my body, relaxing and allowing my consciousness to drift around the body. I don’t really have a sense of the time, but some time later I became aware of an intense irritation, and the sound of a baby crying. The plaintative sound of a newborn crying, the kind that puts most women on high alert. I sat with the crying, which I identified as me. I allowed that baby to cry and cry- witnessing. The story unfolded as follows- the baby was born (and I had a sense this was the first birth- not necessarily connected to my mother now) and the baby (I) was shocked and mad. “What the Hell is this?”, “It’s cold here”, “I don’t like it”, “Get me out of here” - I probably don’t have to spell it out- but this is what I saw as ‘the root’ of the current issue.

I spent quite some time listening to the baby tell it’s story, rant and rave and eventually it became quiet. I stayed with it. Suddenly there was a shift and the baby (I) was pulled back in- back to the womb. I experienced the birth experience again, this time warm, filled with love and understanding- aware. I was both watching and feeling this, and it gives me a big sigh even now.

I was thinking ahhh- there it is- that’s it- and then bam- I was going back in again- this time there was no womb, it was just space. Vast openness, and the words were ‘not expecting’, ‘no expectations’, a sense of Being.

I kind of came out of it there and said- OMG- Stacy did you see that? Did you feel that? She kind of chuckled and said, it’s not done yet.

I brought my awareness back to this space and asked the babies questions “what is this?” “what is the purpose of being here?” I asked again and again and there was a dawning understanding, a quiet voice (perhaps voices) patiently allowing me to ask the question again and again until I was hearing and feeling- there is no question, there are no questions- and YOU are the answer. Over and over again - YOU are the answer.

I feel vulnerable sharing this here, I hope you’ll feel the message behind this- as I don’t think I can actually put it clearly into words and it is almost like admitting something about yourself that you can hardly believe. I’m not sure why it feels so awkward, so embarrassing to express that I felt my Worth, my Power and inherent and everlasting ‘Yesness’. I heard it over and over again, “there is no question, you are the answer”.

I came out of the session, an hour and 1/2 later feeling a little shaken, but seriously happy to uncover a ‘death wish’.

I could see how I always saw spirituality, goodness, relief, happiness - out there- and had a general disdain for the world, the body, matter and materiality. I have been living a story of “Get me the hell out of here”, lost in mind and spirit, ignoring and attacking the body whenever possible.

This session was on a Friday evening (good Friday :)), I saw my sister in Law on Friday and on Sunday and she and I both believed that the tumor was smaller and I was healthier on Sunday- on Monday I had my first chemo. By the next friday there was no indication of the growth on my face, in my mouth, throat or temple.

I spent time praying on whether I needed to continue with Western Medicine, feeling strongly that I was healed. Thankfully the message was consistent- “you will complete your Western Medical treatment”. From that time on I have, despite treatment, gotten healthier and healthier, weight consistent with few side effects.

Nouk Sanchez (www.undoing-the-ego.com) shared her learnings with me and they resonated deeply. Truly acknowledging the power of the Mind, the power of what you ‘choose’- often unconsciously coupled with her newfound realization that we can hear/feel this IN the body.

I came across this from Eckhart Tolle:

“Your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it. It becomes a doorway into inner space. Although inner space has no form, it is intensely alive. that “empty space” is life in its fullness, the unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that Source is God.” Eckart Tolle

So at that moment, and now, here in the reflective space of this beautiful autumn I am choosing life. For quite some time I had “Follow Your Bliss” on my Facebook, what I didn’t know is that I had unconscious desires that were at odds with this- unconscious beliefs in a certain badness and a wish to destroy ‘Fawna’. The weird thing is, I do want to destroy Fawna, the Fawna that thinks she is this little helpless piece of meat, relating to (and often afraid of) the other pieces of helpless meat. I want to re-member that ‘Yes-ness’, the part that was created from the Divine- and remains Divine.

So, choosing Life, which means choosing Love, which means choosing All, without separations.

That’s what I’m going to do now.

Listen

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. We went away for family holiday for a week and now I’m 2 weeks into all three kids in school. Gus started graded one, Jakes in Grade 10 and Paige in Grade 9. I’m done treatment, officially on short term disability until October and have told my boss (brother) that I’m not coming back...

On Facebook I asked NOW WHAT- and I’ve been feeling NOW WHAT!

Talk about consistency, Spirit continues to echo the sentiment of my FAVORITE SONG ---

CLICK HERE ----

So did many of you. Here is the list of Facebook Suggestions:

* Golf
* Still until you hear what is next, in each moment
* Come to the studio and record something (Taylor Sound)
* Relax ?!
* Tahiti/Bora Bora
* Now is the time for whatever is in your heart.
* Trip to Canmore for lunch with Aileen
* Sounds like a great time to just be!!!! Focus on the things you love, and time with those who are most important to you.
* Let everyone come and visit you to join in your "sitting in stillness" ... um ... but combining a bit of laughter, coffee and hugs!
* No thing....
* Embrace what you have accomplished and make plans for the next fifty or more years.
* How about secretarial for your dad .that will keep you busy (My Dad has a fantastic book in him, gestation greater than an elephant).
* how 'bout WRITE a book ... your story?!?!

* Just be...:)

* Take up the hula hoop

* Or competitive lawn darts
* Blue haired pole dancer, spice it up, keep in shape, have a giggle and trying something different!
* Sit and it will come to you.... xoxo It's all perfect :-)xo
* If anyone can feel comfortable waiting for the next step it's you Fawna - hope you enjoy this time of quiet and rest.
* Open space for possibilities - wonderful!

* Have Dusty dress up in just chaps and spurs....

* Come decorate a nursery!

* we should go to the ocean and figure it out:)

* You could let your hair down (Blue) and do whatever is your pleasure!

* Nice-do whatever makes you happy Fawna! You deserve it!

* Good luck leaving the Ranch!!!
 (MOM!)
* You are in luck Fawna we are lookin for a pool girl!! Pay not great but the two peicer outfit will match the awesome blue hair!!!

* Take care of you, Lady.....

* I figure, it is time to just be.


So let me tell you friends- 2 weeks of ‘Being’ is HARD! Great of course, great to see how tempted I am to reacquaint with past behaviours of busy-ness and being ‘helpful’. How addicted I am to ‘think’ and ‘plan’ as opposed to just be.

I am following a couple of people on Facebook who are travelling the world guided by and trusting in Divine Providence. This means they are listening inside for where to go and when and trusting that funds, assistance and all needs will be met by God/Holy Spirit/The Universe. I have decided that I want to do that too- but here in Longview, in my family. So I wake up and say ‘Holy Spirit teach me, show me guide me and lead me in this day’.

One day I was led to watch the movie Ever After, a Drew Barrymore Cinderella story. The Cinderella story is one of my favourites.

The title of this blog is listen, I am listening to all of these cues, the song, the suggestions, my inner guidance- my teacher is LIFE.

Here is how I am seeing the Cinderella story in the Fawna context.

I have spent my life working, self righteously doing jobs, most in a a caretaker role and volunteering whenever possible (sometimes when not possible too!). Following the worlds ideal that you must effort, suffer, be nice, try harder- and be happy doing it.

I’m not complaining, or trying to paint a bad picture- it is very neutral- what I believed in at that time.

The evil stepmother and stepsisters are the ego- never good enough, always demanding, self satisfying, emphasizing having. The prince represents Holy Spirit- love at first site, providing everything without any expectations/requirements- only a choice- and it’s my choice.

Cinderella (me) is a the chooser, and I’m ready, I’m ready to put on my ball gown and put on the shoe that fits.

I know it doesn’t seems like we have a choice- we hide that choice from ourselves- the choice, that is NOT in the world, but in the mind- a choice of Purpose- to love or fear, to connect or to separate. The choice to Love and Connect requires worthiness- not to be earned, but to be accepted. I have already been judged by the Prince - judged innocent.

So this is what I’m doing, taking 2 weeks to write one blog, living like the girl on the front of the Titanic- at the edge of life, focus on mystery rather than ‘what I know is...”, moment by moment- catching when I run back on the boat and start rearranging chairs- lol!

I’d love to hear what your favourite songs, favourite stories say to you- the mythology of you. I love you.

Undoing Emotions

Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had been emotional for a couple of days now, this brought on a barrage of comments. The comments ranged from love to worry to ‘YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE EMOTIONAL” (all appreciated). What I was trying to relay is that I’m allowing the feeling rather than pushing it out- projecting it. Now I’m laughing at the word projecting- so much more technical and clean than blame- call it what it is, I’m resisting the temptation to blame. Even in sharing that message the power of it diminished.

So this morning I sit with this and with the funeral of a friends 7 and 11 year old going on at this moment. I have to say I’ve felt this urge to flee from thoughts of this funeral, flee from other peoples posts about how sad it is making them. Fleeing for me means fear; fight or flight. But what exactly am I afraid of. The fear of losing children is the obvious choice, I’m sure that it is partially true, but what is being unearthed is a fear of emotion.

As I sit quietly I see myself standing in a black dress waiting to be burned and vowing to show no emotion. This is just a side trip- an opportunity to once again ‘blame’ a feeling on a ‘past life’. Not tempted I sit longer and ask the Holy Spirit to reinterpret this fear for me. I begin to see (re-member) that emotions, just like the physical perceptions, are a handy trick to reinforce the ‘reality’ of separation.

Let me explain, I saw how in my life I have avoided emotional circumstances and I hear these statements of fear- don’t show your emotions, your emotions affect other people- if you are mad you will make other people mad, if you are sad you will make other people sad, etc. etc. I have even avoided being too happy- for fear of making other people sad by comparison. What power I have! I am in charge and in control of not only my emotions, but everyone who comes into contact with me! A demi-god for sure.

As with all of the ego’s ideas (and they are only ideas) emotions are judged as good and bad. It’s good to feel sad, it’s bad to feel sad, changing with the generations- keeping us stuck in doing, feeling like we have no control. The control comes at the level of choosing your ‘puppetmaster’ - are you on the string of ego- tossed wildly about in the sea of duality (and by the way you believe you ARE the puppetmaster here). Or are you on the strings of a loving, eternally patient, all knowing power that only wills for your happiness?

The ego says, well, what would you have if you didn’t have emotions, that would be boring ‘no rain, no rainbows’, selling it’s cheap imitation happiness over pure Bliss. The funny thing is we buy it, we glorify it- glorifying our suffering and shared misery.

I could be wrong but I don’t believe we need to do this, I am asking Holy Spirit to take control of my emotions, to repurpose- use what I had chosen to prove separation for communicating that we are one.

It is not hard to see that when it comes to emotions there is a grain of truth in this- we feel together, there is one mind and I think we are ready for some Bliss. I am making the switch from living outside in to living inside out, it feels like a process because I’m afraid and guilty, the purpose of sharing it here is not to convince anyone at all but to explain where I am at in this moment so that I can see it. The sharing over the past few months has been immensely helpful, so I will continue and I truly value your thoughts.

I am not suggesting that we should not be sad about children dying. I am suggesting looking at the sadness and what it brings up, what beliefs are hiding here so that we can move beyond feeling perpetually victimized.

Only Love to all those at the funeral today and the eternal spirits who brought us all together.

Relaxing into Completion

Radiation ends
Modern medicine meets soul
Cancer - Zero Fawna - Two

By: Dear Friend Kim Page Gluckie

AHHHHHH...first weekday in 4 weeks with no trip to the cancer centre. On friday my parents drove me for my last radiation session, last time locked into the mask for a short but sometimes distressing 10 minutes. I had some moments of near panic in that mask and some moments of deep peace. One day I saw myself sitting in the audience watching the treatment like a show, sharing popcorn with the Holy Spirit. This last day the message was “you are not trapped”, ahhhhh- felt it more than I heard it.

So I got off the table, was informed by the tech that lots of laughing and smiling creates faster healing, hugged my techs and BURST out crying on my way out. Another hug with the nurse and I sashayed out. The crying felt like relief, isn’t it amazing how we can be ‘holding it all together’ and not even realize it?

SO, it feels like a time for reflection. A super easy going reflection though as opposed to a ‘figure my life out’ intensity that I felt 12 years ago after treatment. I feel like wearing flip flops (I’m actually wearing a 1970’s mumu that was my grandmas’ as I write this) and just relax, inner tube floating vibe.

3 chemotherapies, 20 radiation sessions, mind watching all the way supported by energy work and a 'force of nature support' circle. Wow, as I write this I realize I’m exhaling, and exhaling...

The cancer has been a backdrop for RECEIVING (capitalized because it has been in such a big way), trusting and looking beyond appearances. A personal relationship with the Divine has been enhanced and oh so helpful.

Western treatment has a defined beginning and end, I’ve felt ‘healed’ (of the seeming cancer) for some time now, so while I’m of course glad that ‘it’s over’ there is also a sense of continuum, of the flow of life. I’m having a difficult time putting it into words; as I’ve gone through this I’ve realized how much investment we have put into the BIGNESS of cancer and equally cancer treatment- both alternative and western. This is a SERIOUS illness and requires IMMEDIATE and FULL attention. I’m laughing as I write this. In no way am I trying to minimize this experience, or anyone else's- okay, maybe I am, shit.

Would it be bad to minimize it- at least take a bit of the teeth out of it? The truth is - we all have crap- scary crap, all of us. Even if you mastered 'not suffering' - there was a time that you HAD crap, it’s part of being here. We have taken all of these experiences and labelled them, we have quantified and qualified them, we have diverse horror scales (where cancer usually scores high) which may include divorce, bankruptcy, bad shoes, and so on.

I’ve shifted from believing that the suffering comes from outside in to believing that it is from the inside out. On a more positive note- the Peace is in there too.

As I move into the Peace, letting go of a ‘personal’ Fawna who ‘things happen to’- I hope you are feeling the compassion in this rather than a detachment- I’m moving more into Me- fun, joyful, free me and more into being able to know you- rather than judging who you are and where you are at.

Fun, Joyful, Free. Ahhh...not much more to say for now...exhaling.

Fawna, Clean Your Room!!!

Thought I had my computer but I don't, I'll get to do this blog from my iPhone!

Catching inspiration as it strikes.

I've been mulling over how to share the difference in my approach to cancer last time and this time- on the outside it may look very similar- on the inside a little different.

On my way home from radiation I saw a helpful metaphor in my mind.

I saw the Febreze commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpB_MfhSreM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The rooms are my mind, Febreze the tools I've accumulated (angels, affirmations, reframing, etc.).

I've collected a lot of tools- and they work. Instead of sitting in a filthy stinking room I am able to bring myself to a better, fresher smelling place. This is what I accomplished 12 years ago. Relative peace. This was peppered with the occasional deeply peaceful, Grace filled moments for sure, but generally it was a kind of 'good suffering'. There is no judgement here- only an awareness.

This time I have the tools to actually clean the room up. Continuing to use the Febreze over and over works, but ensures ups and downs- I would wait for the stink and then- squirt, squirt. Lately I've been questioning the logic of sayings like "if I didn't know pain how would I know joy", or "no rain, no rainbows". While these give us hope that this too will pass it also offers an acceptance - even a glory - in putting up with pain and suffering.

I am not saying we need to put all of our tools away- no, I'd rather clean in a pleasant atmosphere. I don't think we need to 'dive into the filth, roll around in it', neither can we remain blindfolded and get it cleaned up.

The Living Miracles Church refers to it as 'ghosting' and I'm sure you've had the experience of feeling a bit of pain, worry, anger and quickly using whatever you have to quiet it down- whether it be a crystal, a rye and coke, counseling technique or a spiritual idea.

The image that's been working for me is putting a nice blanket over a dog terd- still there, still a little noticeable!!!
Totally okay to let it dry out a little before you pick it up!

So, I've been using the opportunity this cancer time to clean my room, the banana peels (cancer) and the dirty socks (need for parental approval). I've recognized that whether I believe that the dirty socks came from a 16th century monk or my Uncle Roy, or myself, at some point I need to pick them up and decide if I want to keep them or not.

Inspiration spent I'm going to enjoy a rooftop beer with my brother- cheers!

Fawna

How Do You Stay So Strong?

A couple of weeks ago during a rousing game of 'Scramble with friends', a friend asked “How Do You Stay So Strong?”. This question has been bouncing around ever since.

I have ruminated on this question, chewed it up like cud and moved it through my four stomaches.

My initial response was more questions-

“Am I being strong?”

“What is strong?”

“Who is NOT being strong?”

and a statement:

“God is my strength”, but what does that mean?

I saw a kitty poster (which I can’t find for the life of me) that said “Fear shared is cut in half”- which made me think of the support group I have and how Fear cut into 1000 or more is nearly nothing.

Sharing has definitely strengthened me, sharing without expectations and without editing. At some level the biggest fear is that we are alone, separate; and by sharing, this lie just can’t live.

As I shared about my dental fears I was overwhelmed by the number of others hiding what had been a secret shame of mine, as I shared about cancer I received gifts of the heart from all around- no matter what the form it said “we are in this together”.

I have been called strong when I admit that I’m having a hard day, and when I exclaim that everything is perfect- so it’s not at all about the outside.

I have been moved by the fact that so many of us see strength in others while minimizing our own. Case in point- the person who asked me this question found out that the numbness in her legs was an inoperable tumour the very next day, and yet she keeps on trying to beat me at Scramble :). I have had letters from people who call me inspiring- and they themselves are going through battles that I would prefer not to. The fact is, we are all strong.

When do I feel strong- well, that is where God comes in for me. When I remember that I am an eternal spirit, invulnerable and limitless- well- strength just is. When I believe that I am a small body at the risk of danger/injury/hardship/hurt feelings at any moment, well- then I’m scared- not just with cancer- but always!

I looked up Strong and this is the definition that fits best: "Not easily upset; resistant to harmful or unpleasant influences”- Hopefully she didn’t mean this one " having an unpleasantly powerful taste or smell”- maybe should have checked that.

I vacillate between not being easily upset and being easily upset but then looking into the WHY of it- this is where I’m finding gold. Instead of putting up with a life of one upset after another I truly believe that we need not suffer- it’s supposed to be fun here!!!!!! As I erase the lies and the unwanted and limiting beliefs with forgiveness and shining the light on them I feel freer and less and less blown about by the ever changing winds of this world.

As I’ve said in other posts, I’ve chosen to have the strength to look at my crap this time- being aware of what I feel, what I’m thinking, what beliefs that that indicates and then decide whether that is where I want to keep operating from or not.

When I choose that Love is my ONLY purpose, it doesn’t matter what I’m seemingly going through, who I’m with, where I’m at. This is the only action I’m focussing on right now, trusting that the rest will fall into place (and it seems to be!).

I’m not sure that I ‘stay’ strong, but as all of you have shown me- when I show what this world calls weakness- well- that is seen as strong too!

In a nutshell

1. Sharing
2. Self Awareness
3. Honest Expression
4. Ask for Help (from God and the gods and goddesses around you).


AND finally, the answer I usually use:

“What else are we supposed to do?”

From ACIM Lesson 91

“I am not weak, but strong.”
“I am not helpless, but all powerful.”
“I am not limited, but unlimited.”
“I am not doubtful, but certain.”
“I am not an illusion, but a reality.”
“I cannot see in darkness, but in light.”

Trying Peace vs. Peace

Two teeth pulled and 3 temporary fillings. This was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the dental work I am potentially facing. Obviously there has been a reluctance to visit these professionals for some time, reluctance in this case is a major understatement. To be perfectly honest I was in fact hoping for a Miracle healing, I even googled it, “Healing Teeth with the Mind”. I believe that Shirley MaClaine may have done it.

The truth is, tooth work is relatively benign, particularly in this day and age of numbing and sedation. There seemed however to be no way to move this information from my brain to my body. My body in the dentist chair would seem to become seized with anxiety, a vibrating mass of concrete. I would feel tortured with a hangover of intense freezing that would seem to come on as soon as I got into my car after the appointment.

I would often lament “My teeth are fine until I go to the dentist” and - “I believe in Fairies but I don’t believe in Dentists”. I am smiling as I write this.

Over the past 12 years I have been intensely reading, reading to figure this whole shit show out. I continue to resonate with similar themes, themes of personal responsibility, the power of the mind and the Grace within each and every one of us. Many paths preach these same idea’s. So it is with these eye’s that I look at the current situation.

As I shared in the last post the idea’s of radiation and dentistry rocked my boat. During the 2 and 1/2 hour dental examination (required for preparation of radiation) I experienced a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and beliefs- finding myself mistakenly identified as the torturer and the tortured.

So, how did the actual treatment go? I was sharing with a friend that during the treatment (as mentioned in the first sentence) I noticed the difference between trying to be peaceful and Being Peaceful. She said I should write that down, so here I am.

As I sat in the chair I could feel the familiar heart racing, this was confirmed by the dentist “is your heart rate always this high?” as the computer showed it at 99 beats per minute. With some deep breathing I was able to calm this somewhat.

What I believe may be helpful is the internal dialogue. It feels important to state here that there has been an ‘impersonal’ element to this entire situation over the past few months. This is not ‘my’ cancer, ‘my’ cancer treatment nor ‘my’ dentistry. I have not tried to cultivate an impersonal feel to it- that is just how it feels and that is why it’s been easy to share with you. I don’t actually know what any of this is for - despite the vast number of theories that my analyzing (anal- yzing as my friend Tomas would say) mind would like to put forth.

So my internal dialogue is full of idea’s from A Course In Miracles, The Bible, The 4 Agreements, The Power of Now and Loving What Is- books that resonate and speak to me even before I can put their concepts into action.

Back to the chair. I lay there encouraging my body to relax, noticing everything- grounding (a process of bringing awareness to my feet- growing roots out, bringing myself completely into the body). Fears of pain and loss of control began to show up and in response I said (inside) “I am not upset for the reason that I think (the dentist) where is this coming from” Backing it up I notice that I am not feeling safe and I follow I know that thoughts precede feelings and that beliefs precede thoughts. I believe that I am not safe, I believe that I am this small body that can be harmed, I believe that this dentist is outside of me and a threat to me- when I am meditating I sit longer with these kind of beliefs, agreeing to disagree- remembering who I am and handing them over (to Jesus usually for me) and choose again. I shortcut as I’m in the chair and they are commencing treatment- I am safe, I am loved, the dentist has only my best in mind for me. I find these affirmations most helpful only after uncovering what is causing my discomfort in the first place. When I try to use them to cover the panic without looking at it- well, I can hear the ‘bullshit’ right behind each affirmation- not as helpful.

As they settle in- and quickly- no time between freezing and work and yet fully frozen, my mantra switches to “there is no problem here”, this is a fairly recent addition, switching me from looking at what is wrong to settling into the ‘is’. I also remind myself that all I jwant is Peace of mind (in the past I believe I wanted “get this over as soon as possible”). In this time I am also talking to my teeth. Thank You for what you have done, you are going to be taken out, this is for the highest good- and a voice comes in - a voice of one of my spiritual teachers- “you take these teeth very seriously” and I lighten out of giving too much to the teeth but feeling good about the acknowledgment nonetheless.

All of this is helpful, the relaxation, the mantra’s, the mind watching and then- bam- GRACE. Oh, what a difference, suddenly, from within, welling up like a spring emerges from the earth - Peace and Calm. Peace and Calm without trying, peace and calm filling me, sending me into a space that is bigger than my body, feeling the sameness between the dentist, hygenist and myself. In this space my eyes feel heavy and instead of panic I almost feel like I could fall asleep while the dentist is dismantling my broken teeth and efforting them out! I am aware of a spaciousness inside and it is all okay. I still feel the pressure of the dentist exertion, I am aware of him saying “you are doing so well”. At this point I have a coughing fit, this too is no problem, we all take a break and I continue to sit peacefully, not trying to do anything, not trying to quit coughing or ‘tough it out’. We settle back in and the last piece pops out. We are done in an hour.

As I write this I feel that same feeling popping in, I would love to hear if you feel it too. I am impelled to write and publish this before we head out to the Calgary Stampede. Peace and Calm. Fawna