Good Riddance 2012- I Love You

Good Riddance 2012- I Love You

This sums up the feelings I have about this past year. As I review my ‘vision’ board from last year I am in a giggle.

Look at that. Instead of manifesting type vision boards, I have chosen for the last couple of years to just shut the mind off and allow images that appeal to reveal themselves. After choosing way too many for my board last year this single image stuck. Me in bed- yikes- if I’d only known. There is some good analysis in this I’m sure, but I’ve grown weary of analysis and am settled instead on giggling.

Holiday conversations have been delicious, not in the words, but in the awareness of a depth behind the words, the unspoken ‘Wow, glad to be on the other side of that trip’ that so many of us are feeling. Gratitude and ‘Holy Fuck, what was that all about?’ wrapped into one.

I’m reflective that what has come home this year is that we are connected. Connected in many layers within ourselves and connected to one another. The Awareness of this is not always there- like an iPod playing with the headphones on, the music is playing, but if you don’t put them on you can’t hear it.

What has come home to me is that Heaven may actually be here, now. I can’t fully explain it, tragedies like the Sandy Hook school shooting certain don’t feel like Heaven is here now. Deep in me I hear ‘look again’ ‘look deeper’ ‘look with me’- and sometimes I even do.

What has come home to me is that Stillness heals. It just does.

I have been supported on every level this year, I’ve chosen Peace and it has found me again and again.

The value of sharing has been heavily reinforced.

Finally, what I’m taking with me from this year is the awareness that although there may be an instinct to ‘move away’ from an uncomfortable situation, whether it be physical, emotional or spiritual- going deeper into it will bring Truth. Being right where you are- aware of physical senses, emotional senses and the beyond that, all at the same time, just being ‘in it’ - whatever it is- resolves IT.

So I’m going IN to 2013- ALL IN. Knowing I’m not alone, knowing there is room for everyone and everything.

Heart Full, Thank You,
Fawna

Judge Away

“Judge not that ye be not judged” Matthew 7:1

As a seeker many paths seemed to lead to this idea of not judging. We do it (judge) relentlessly as well as hating it rigorously, hating it when we do it and hating it when we are the subject.

As we gathered last Monday, in the little cabin in my yard, we joined in a guided meditation. As I got quiet I noticed the flies in my cabin- buzzing and the judgments in my head- buzzing. Right behind the buzzing- STOP JUDGING- you are here in this “spiritual space” and you have idea’s about every person in here (including yourself). This was not the gentle Stop Judging of Spirit, it was the ego- jumping on the judgments- bad, bad, bad.

Intellectually I know that judgment is not good for me- the ME (the truth)- well- it is unaffected- wholeness is whole, love can only love. Judgment however holds me apart from this, it is the glue that keeps the idea of separation going.

Intellectually I know that I don’t want to sit on the seat of the judge, when I am identified with the independent, individual judge- WHO is not guilty? Blame or shame, it’s your fault or mine.

In a treatment recently I heard- quit trying to avoid being judged (by attempting perfection, trying so hard, trying to stay ahead of everyone, trying to anticipate everyone’s needs) you have been judged and the verdict is ...

INNOCENT

So as I sat in this meditation, hearing the little troll voice saying- you are judging, you are judging (in that sing-song mocking way), I asked Holy Spirit to look at this with me. I am willing to give up judgment, Holy Spirit what do I need to do?

The answer was a relief. I knew by the feeling and the lightness and the simplicity that this was Truth rather than troll.

“JUDGE AWAY”- wow- really? “BUT NOT BY YOURSELF” ahhhh

If we judge with Holy Spirit, with Love, with Jesus, with Buddha, with God, whatever you want to call it- what are we going to come to? Would Jesus say- yes, she is bad- she is a bad one, just plain bad- you are justified in this judgment- ha ha ha.

So the pressure to 'not judge' is off, and as is better for Me in all things, I only need to ask to have Divine assistance.

“WE HAVE TO DO SOMETHING!!!!"

The title of today’s blog refers to the feelings a lot of my friends (and hence me) on Facebook are having to Amanda Todd’s death.

Two of my dear friends, two kind and compassionate souls sent me a petition to sign.

As I was writing this blog in my head I thought “I take my relationships seriously, so I need to respond”- which led to a ‘laughing’ that I recognize as a spiritual teacher- Tomas Vieira reminding me not to do that- ha ha ha. His message consistently is “don’t take anything here seriously” Thank You Tomas. So to be clear, the petition triggered me.


What came up for me with the petition was ‘no’. The petition is to arrest the youth who cyber bullied Amanda. Here is the story (no more, no less than a story) that unfolded in my head. If these kids are arrested, well, what is that going to cost- is that where our policing dollars should go? What if they are arrested, will our penal system do anything helpful? Will they grow from being blamed and shamed? Does anyone? Will their parents respond helpfully- or will they be pissed off at the inconvenience and embarrassment of having their child outed, will be be less loving and angry with their child. phew- in a matter of moments a whole host of forgiveness lessons unfolded. Then I remembered to go in and see what Spirit had to say.


When I went in I saw a stick- the stick of duality. Any time we buy into duality, that we are separate, the rule of this world- when we pick up bullying we pick up bully. The response to an attack is to be victimized or to attack. Did that come up for you- in response to Amanda Todd, the desire to attack, the feeling of helplessness?


I was encouraged by spirit to put the stick down, just set it down and feel. How do I see this story without holding onto the stick?

Something in me screamed “BUT WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING, WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO?”


do, do, do. The Ego’s drive- don’t think about what’s behind the do- just keep doing.

Spirit said “look”, so I looked at Amanda Todds story- as I had heard it told. I saw how this as a metaphor, a condensed version of our lives. Connect (her chatting on computer) be attacked, try harder, be attacked, try something else, being attacked and attacking herself throughout until- too much- too hard- take the body out.

And Spirit whispered words of my teacher:
“Do you want to understand or do you want Peace?” Tomas Vieira (to Nouk Sanchez)


How can we understand a story like this- which in truth- possibly to different degrees- is all of our story? I CAN follow it back, and back and back to a belief that we are not enough. I am not enough- this belief leads to these unintended consequences of attack and be attacked. If we got rid of computers we would get rid of cyber bullying, but as long as we believe that we are not connected we will feel vulnerable, when we feel vulnerable we will pick up the stick and it will show up in EVERY relationship. The internet is expanding the reach, making the pain more obvious, so that we can choose again.

Thoughts of “I am Whole” do not lead to attack and being attacked. The kids who bullied, the parents, Amanda, Amanda’s parents, Amanda’s grandparents and great grandparents, the bullies grandparents and You and Me...not enough. Here is where we can actually do something- despite what we see out there- we can choose to believe- believe that we are Whole, believe that everyone else is Whole. Seems big, just maybe crack the door open- I am willing to believe that I might be whole...Something stirs in me that this might be true (resist the temptation to collect evidence to the contrary).

Here is what I know. If I choose Peace first I will be led to the doing that is helpful. I will be kind to the people around me, and this person I believe to be me.
I may or may not sign the petition. I will not sign the petition out of attack, out of guilt, out of a false sense of understanding.

I so appreciate Jill and Ferlyn for their posts- their compassion for this girl- and for allowing me the chance to put the stick down for a couple of minutes and see my true choice.

Bless you Amanda Todd.

Link to the Petition

Choosing to Live

Choosing to Live

Okay, I’ve decided what I’m going to do, I’m going to live. I actually made this decision several months ago, but as the circle of this cancer story comes to completion I am now sitting in contemplation of when I believe this healing began.

To close this circle I want to tell you the beginning. It feels as if I have been open in this journey but have left out a major plot element, I have hinted at it, mentioned it, but never given you the whole story.

It feels like time to share the healing vision.

I began to experience throat pain last May. It was diagnosed as strep throat off and on all summer and fall. I spent the fall working hard at two jobs, visiting medical and alternative treatment providers and thrashing around fighting my mind. I realize in hindsight that the medical professionals were mirroring my decision not to deal with what grew into a massive tumor filling my sinus cavity and literally coming out my nose. Until it was ‘plain as the nose on my face’ we were complicit in ignoring symptoms.

When my misery; a constant snotty nose, a snotty eye, a large mass filling the left nostril and an inability to nose breathe whatsoever, coupled with fatigue and weight loss came to a peak I surrendered my stubborn will to ‘wish’ it away and revisited my doctor. No begging was needed, she said “OH MY GOD” when she looked up my nose. Now I waited to see a specialist, in this week the mass broke through the roof of my mouth, and growths showed up at my temple and on my neck, I called the doctor and said “I need to see someone NOW”.

We were on high speed from then. When I received the diagnosis of 'Recurring Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma' one of my first actions was to contact a spiritual mentor and heart sister (a few of them actually).

Stacy Sulley is an energy practitioner, I quickly scheduled an appointment with her. When she called I shared what had been the primary message I had been given. I have been cultivating a relationship with Spirit for several years and now regularly get messages- if I remember to ask. The message I was getting was “Pull it out by the root”. Stacy and I entered our session with this intention in mind.

This session was over the phone, I lay in my bed and put the speaker phone on my chest, closed the door and closed my eyes.

Stacy instructed me to breathe and we both became quiet, she repeated the intention to go to the root of the current issue. I dropped my awareness into my body, relaxing and allowing my consciousness to drift around the body. I don’t really have a sense of the time, but some time later I became aware of an intense irritation, and the sound of a baby crying. The plaintative sound of a newborn crying, the kind that puts most women on high alert. I sat with the crying, which I identified as me. I allowed that baby to cry and cry- witnessing. The story unfolded as follows- the baby was born (and I had a sense this was the first birth- not necessarily connected to my mother now) and the baby (I) was shocked and mad. “What the Hell is this?”, “It’s cold here”, “I don’t like it”, “Get me out of here” - I probably don’t have to spell it out- but this is what I saw as ‘the root’ of the current issue.

I spent quite some time listening to the baby tell it’s story, rant and rave and eventually it became quiet. I stayed with it. Suddenly there was a shift and the baby (I) was pulled back in- back to the womb. I experienced the birth experience again, this time warm, filled with love and understanding- aware. I was both watching and feeling this, and it gives me a big sigh even now.

I was thinking ahhh- there it is- that’s it- and then bam- I was going back in again- this time there was no womb, it was just space. Vast openness, and the words were ‘not expecting’, ‘no expectations’, a sense of Being.

I kind of came out of it there and said- OMG- Stacy did you see that? Did you feel that? She kind of chuckled and said, it’s not done yet.

I brought my awareness back to this space and asked the babies questions “what is this?” “what is the purpose of being here?” I asked again and again and there was a dawning understanding, a quiet voice (perhaps voices) patiently allowing me to ask the question again and again until I was hearing and feeling- there is no question, there are no questions- and YOU are the answer. Over and over again - YOU are the answer.

I feel vulnerable sharing this here, I hope you’ll feel the message behind this- as I don’t think I can actually put it clearly into words and it is almost like admitting something about yourself that you can hardly believe. I’m not sure why it feels so awkward, so embarrassing to express that I felt my Worth, my Power and inherent and everlasting ‘Yesness’. I heard it over and over again, “there is no question, you are the answer”.

I came out of the session, an hour and 1/2 later feeling a little shaken, but seriously happy to uncover a ‘death wish’.

I could see how I always saw spirituality, goodness, relief, happiness - out there- and had a general disdain for the world, the body, matter and materiality. I have been living a story of “Get me the hell out of here”, lost in mind and spirit, ignoring and attacking the body whenever possible.

This session was on a Friday evening (good Friday :)), I saw my sister in Law on Friday and on Sunday and she and I both believed that the tumor was smaller and I was healthier on Sunday- on Monday I had my first chemo. By the next friday there was no indication of the growth on my face, in my mouth, throat or temple.

I spent time praying on whether I needed to continue with Western Medicine, feeling strongly that I was healed. Thankfully the message was consistent- “you will complete your Western Medical treatment”. From that time on I have, despite treatment, gotten healthier and healthier, weight consistent with few side effects.

Nouk Sanchez (www.undoing-the-ego.com) shared her learnings with me and they resonated deeply. Truly acknowledging the power of the Mind, the power of what you ‘choose’- often unconsciously coupled with her newfound realization that we can hear/feel this IN the body.

I came across this from Eckhart Tolle:

“Your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it. It becomes a doorway into inner space. Although inner space has no form, it is intensely alive. that “empty space” is life in its fullness, the unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that Source is God.” Eckart Tolle

So at that moment, and now, here in the reflective space of this beautiful autumn I am choosing life. For quite some time I had “Follow Your Bliss” on my Facebook, what I didn’t know is that I had unconscious desires that were at odds with this- unconscious beliefs in a certain badness and a wish to destroy ‘Fawna’. The weird thing is, I do want to destroy Fawna, the Fawna that thinks she is this little helpless piece of meat, relating to (and often afraid of) the other pieces of helpless meat. I want to re-member that ‘Yes-ness’, the part that was created from the Divine- and remains Divine.

So, choosing Life, which means choosing Love, which means choosing All, without separations.

That’s what I’m going to do now.

Listen

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. We went away for family holiday for a week and now I’m 2 weeks into all three kids in school. Gus started graded one, Jakes in Grade 10 and Paige in Grade 9. I’m done treatment, officially on short term disability until October and have told my boss (brother) that I’m not coming back...

On Facebook I asked NOW WHAT- and I’ve been feeling NOW WHAT!

Talk about consistency, Spirit continues to echo the sentiment of my FAVORITE SONG ---

CLICK HERE ----

So did many of you. Here is the list of Facebook Suggestions:

* Golf
* Still until you hear what is next, in each moment
* Come to the studio and record something (Taylor Sound)
* Relax ?!
* Tahiti/Bora Bora
* Now is the time for whatever is in your heart.
* Trip to Canmore for lunch with Aileen
* Sounds like a great time to just be!!!! Focus on the things you love, and time with those who are most important to you.
* Let everyone come and visit you to join in your "sitting in stillness" ... um ... but combining a bit of laughter, coffee and hugs!
* No thing....
* Embrace what you have accomplished and make plans for the next fifty or more years.
* How about secretarial for your dad .that will keep you busy (My Dad has a fantastic book in him, gestation greater than an elephant).
* how 'bout WRITE a book ... your story?!?!

* Just be...:)

* Take up the hula hoop

* Or competitive lawn darts
* Blue haired pole dancer, spice it up, keep in shape, have a giggle and trying something different!
* Sit and it will come to you.... xoxo It's all perfect :-)xo
* If anyone can feel comfortable waiting for the next step it's you Fawna - hope you enjoy this time of quiet and rest.
* Open space for possibilities - wonderful!

* Have Dusty dress up in just chaps and spurs....

* Come decorate a nursery!

* we should go to the ocean and figure it out:)

* You could let your hair down (Blue) and do whatever is your pleasure!

* Nice-do whatever makes you happy Fawna! You deserve it!

* Good luck leaving the Ranch!!!
 (MOM!)
* You are in luck Fawna we are lookin for a pool girl!! Pay not great but the two peicer outfit will match the awesome blue hair!!!

* Take care of you, Lady.....

* I figure, it is time to just be.


So let me tell you friends- 2 weeks of ‘Being’ is HARD! Great of course, great to see how tempted I am to reacquaint with past behaviours of busy-ness and being ‘helpful’. How addicted I am to ‘think’ and ‘plan’ as opposed to just be.

I am following a couple of people on Facebook who are travelling the world guided by and trusting in Divine Providence. This means they are listening inside for where to go and when and trusting that funds, assistance and all needs will be met by God/Holy Spirit/The Universe. I have decided that I want to do that too- but here in Longview, in my family. So I wake up and say ‘Holy Spirit teach me, show me guide me and lead me in this day’.

One day I was led to watch the movie Ever After, a Drew Barrymore Cinderella story. The Cinderella story is one of my favourites.

The title of this blog is listen, I am listening to all of these cues, the song, the suggestions, my inner guidance- my teacher is LIFE.

Here is how I am seeing the Cinderella story in the Fawna context.

I have spent my life working, self righteously doing jobs, most in a a caretaker role and volunteering whenever possible (sometimes when not possible too!). Following the worlds ideal that you must effort, suffer, be nice, try harder- and be happy doing it.

I’m not complaining, or trying to paint a bad picture- it is very neutral- what I believed in at that time.

The evil stepmother and stepsisters are the ego- never good enough, always demanding, self satisfying, emphasizing having. The prince represents Holy Spirit- love at first site, providing everything without any expectations/requirements- only a choice- and it’s my choice.

Cinderella (me) is a the chooser, and I’m ready, I’m ready to put on my ball gown and put on the shoe that fits.

I know it doesn’t seems like we have a choice- we hide that choice from ourselves- the choice, that is NOT in the world, but in the mind- a choice of Purpose- to love or fear, to connect or to separate. The choice to Love and Connect requires worthiness- not to be earned, but to be accepted. I have already been judged by the Prince - judged innocent.

So this is what I’m doing, taking 2 weeks to write one blog, living like the girl on the front of the Titanic- at the edge of life, focus on mystery rather than ‘what I know is...”, moment by moment- catching when I run back on the boat and start rearranging chairs- lol!

I’d love to hear what your favourite songs, favourite stories say to you- the mythology of you. I love you.

Undoing Emotions

Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had been emotional for a couple of days now, this brought on a barrage of comments. The comments ranged from love to worry to ‘YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE EMOTIONAL” (all appreciated). What I was trying to relay is that I’m allowing the feeling rather than pushing it out- projecting it. Now I’m laughing at the word projecting- so much more technical and clean than blame- call it what it is, I’m resisting the temptation to blame. Even in sharing that message the power of it diminished.

So this morning I sit with this and with the funeral of a friends 7 and 11 year old going on at this moment. I have to say I’ve felt this urge to flee from thoughts of this funeral, flee from other peoples posts about how sad it is making them. Fleeing for me means fear; fight or flight. But what exactly am I afraid of. The fear of losing children is the obvious choice, I’m sure that it is partially true, but what is being unearthed is a fear of emotion.

As I sit quietly I see myself standing in a black dress waiting to be burned and vowing to show no emotion. This is just a side trip- an opportunity to once again ‘blame’ a feeling on a ‘past life’. Not tempted I sit longer and ask the Holy Spirit to reinterpret this fear for me. I begin to see (re-member) that emotions, just like the physical perceptions, are a handy trick to reinforce the ‘reality’ of separation.

Let me explain, I saw how in my life I have avoided emotional circumstances and I hear these statements of fear- don’t show your emotions, your emotions affect other people- if you are mad you will make other people mad, if you are sad you will make other people sad, etc. etc. I have even avoided being too happy- for fear of making other people sad by comparison. What power I have! I am in charge and in control of not only my emotions, but everyone who comes into contact with me! A demi-god for sure.

As with all of the ego’s ideas (and they are only ideas) emotions are judged as good and bad. It’s good to feel sad, it’s bad to feel sad, changing with the generations- keeping us stuck in doing, feeling like we have no control. The control comes at the level of choosing your ‘puppetmaster’ - are you on the string of ego- tossed wildly about in the sea of duality (and by the way you believe you ARE the puppetmaster here). Or are you on the strings of a loving, eternally patient, all knowing power that only wills for your happiness?

The ego says, well, what would you have if you didn’t have emotions, that would be boring ‘no rain, no rainbows’, selling it’s cheap imitation happiness over pure Bliss. The funny thing is we buy it, we glorify it- glorifying our suffering and shared misery.

I could be wrong but I don’t believe we need to do this, I am asking Holy Spirit to take control of my emotions, to repurpose- use what I had chosen to prove separation for communicating that we are one.

It is not hard to see that when it comes to emotions there is a grain of truth in this- we feel together, there is one mind and I think we are ready for some Bliss. I am making the switch from living outside in to living inside out, it feels like a process because I’m afraid and guilty, the purpose of sharing it here is not to convince anyone at all but to explain where I am at in this moment so that I can see it. The sharing over the past few months has been immensely helpful, so I will continue and I truly value your thoughts.

I am not suggesting that we should not be sad about children dying. I am suggesting looking at the sadness and what it brings up, what beliefs are hiding here so that we can move beyond feeling perpetually victimized.

Only Love to all those at the funeral today and the eternal spirits who brought us all together.

Relaxing into Completion

Radiation ends
Modern medicine meets soul
Cancer - Zero Fawna - Two

By: Dear Friend Kim Page Gluckie

AHHHHHH...first weekday in 4 weeks with no trip to the cancer centre. On friday my parents drove me for my last radiation session, last time locked into the mask for a short but sometimes distressing 10 minutes. I had some moments of near panic in that mask and some moments of deep peace. One day I saw myself sitting in the audience watching the treatment like a show, sharing popcorn with the Holy Spirit. This last day the message was “you are not trapped”, ahhhhh- felt it more than I heard it.

So I got off the table, was informed by the tech that lots of laughing and smiling creates faster healing, hugged my techs and BURST out crying on my way out. Another hug with the nurse and I sashayed out. The crying felt like relief, isn’t it amazing how we can be ‘holding it all together’ and not even realize it?

SO, it feels like a time for reflection. A super easy going reflection though as opposed to a ‘figure my life out’ intensity that I felt 12 years ago after treatment. I feel like wearing flip flops (I’m actually wearing a 1970’s mumu that was my grandmas’ as I write this) and just relax, inner tube floating vibe.

3 chemotherapies, 20 radiation sessions, mind watching all the way supported by energy work and a 'force of nature support' circle. Wow, as I write this I realize I’m exhaling, and exhaling...

The cancer has been a backdrop for RECEIVING (capitalized because it has been in such a big way), trusting and looking beyond appearances. A personal relationship with the Divine has been enhanced and oh so helpful.

Western treatment has a defined beginning and end, I’ve felt ‘healed’ (of the seeming cancer) for some time now, so while I’m of course glad that ‘it’s over’ there is also a sense of continuum, of the flow of life. I’m having a difficult time putting it into words; as I’ve gone through this I’ve realized how much investment we have put into the BIGNESS of cancer and equally cancer treatment- both alternative and western. This is a SERIOUS illness and requires IMMEDIATE and FULL attention. I’m laughing as I write this. In no way am I trying to minimize this experience, or anyone else's- okay, maybe I am, shit.

Would it be bad to minimize it- at least take a bit of the teeth out of it? The truth is - we all have crap- scary crap, all of us. Even if you mastered 'not suffering' - there was a time that you HAD crap, it’s part of being here. We have taken all of these experiences and labelled them, we have quantified and qualified them, we have diverse horror scales (where cancer usually scores high) which may include divorce, bankruptcy, bad shoes, and so on.

I’ve shifted from believing that the suffering comes from outside in to believing that it is from the inside out. On a more positive note- the Peace is in there too.

As I move into the Peace, letting go of a ‘personal’ Fawna who ‘things happen to’- I hope you are feeling the compassion in this rather than a detachment- I’m moving more into Me- fun, joyful, free me and more into being able to know you- rather than judging who you are and where you are at.

Fun, Joyful, Free. Ahhh...not much more to say for now...exhaling.

Fawna, Clean Your Room!!!

Thought I had my computer but I don't, I'll get to do this blog from my iPhone!

Catching inspiration as it strikes.

I've been mulling over how to share the difference in my approach to cancer last time and this time- on the outside it may look very similar- on the inside a little different.

On my way home from radiation I saw a helpful metaphor in my mind.

I saw the Febreze commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TpB_MfhSreM&feature=youtube_gdata_player

The rooms are my mind, Febreze the tools I've accumulated (angels, affirmations, reframing, etc.).

I've collected a lot of tools- and they work. Instead of sitting in a filthy stinking room I am able to bring myself to a better, fresher smelling place. This is what I accomplished 12 years ago. Relative peace. This was peppered with the occasional deeply peaceful, Grace filled moments for sure, but generally it was a kind of 'good suffering'. There is no judgement here- only an awareness.

This time I have the tools to actually clean the room up. Continuing to use the Febreze over and over works, but ensures ups and downs- I would wait for the stink and then- squirt, squirt. Lately I've been questioning the logic of sayings like "if I didn't know pain how would I know joy", or "no rain, no rainbows". While these give us hope that this too will pass it also offers an acceptance - even a glory - in putting up with pain and suffering.

I am not saying we need to put all of our tools away- no, I'd rather clean in a pleasant atmosphere. I don't think we need to 'dive into the filth, roll around in it', neither can we remain blindfolded and get it cleaned up.

The Living Miracles Church refers to it as 'ghosting' and I'm sure you've had the experience of feeling a bit of pain, worry, anger and quickly using whatever you have to quiet it down- whether it be a crystal, a rye and coke, counseling technique or a spiritual idea.

The image that's been working for me is putting a nice blanket over a dog terd- still there, still a little noticeable!!!
Totally okay to let it dry out a little before you pick it up!

So, I've been using the opportunity this cancer time to clean my room, the banana peels (cancer) and the dirty socks (need for parental approval). I've recognized that whether I believe that the dirty socks came from a 16th century monk or my Uncle Roy, or myself, at some point I need to pick them up and decide if I want to keep them or not.

Inspiration spent I'm going to enjoy a rooftop beer with my brother- cheers!

Fawna

How Do You Stay So Strong?

A couple of weeks ago during a rousing game of 'Scramble with friends', a friend asked “How Do You Stay So Strong?”. This question has been bouncing around ever since.

I have ruminated on this question, chewed it up like cud and moved it through my four stomaches.

My initial response was more questions-

“Am I being strong?”

“What is strong?”

“Who is NOT being strong?”

and a statement:

“God is my strength”, but what does that mean?

I saw a kitty poster (which I can’t find for the life of me) that said “Fear shared is cut in half”- which made me think of the support group I have and how Fear cut into 1000 or more is nearly nothing.

Sharing has definitely strengthened me, sharing without expectations and without editing. At some level the biggest fear is that we are alone, separate; and by sharing, this lie just can’t live.

As I shared about my dental fears I was overwhelmed by the number of others hiding what had been a secret shame of mine, as I shared about cancer I received gifts of the heart from all around- no matter what the form it said “we are in this together”.

I have been called strong when I admit that I’m having a hard day, and when I exclaim that everything is perfect- so it’s not at all about the outside.

I have been moved by the fact that so many of us see strength in others while minimizing our own. Case in point- the person who asked me this question found out that the numbness in her legs was an inoperable tumour the very next day, and yet she keeps on trying to beat me at Scramble :). I have had letters from people who call me inspiring- and they themselves are going through battles that I would prefer not to. The fact is, we are all strong.

When do I feel strong- well, that is where God comes in for me. When I remember that I am an eternal spirit, invulnerable and limitless- well- strength just is. When I believe that I am a small body at the risk of danger/injury/hardship/hurt feelings at any moment, well- then I’m scared- not just with cancer- but always!

I looked up Strong and this is the definition that fits best: "Not easily upset; resistant to harmful or unpleasant influences”- Hopefully she didn’t mean this one " having an unpleasantly powerful taste or smell”- maybe should have checked that.

I vacillate between not being easily upset and being easily upset but then looking into the WHY of it- this is where I’m finding gold. Instead of putting up with a life of one upset after another I truly believe that we need not suffer- it’s supposed to be fun here!!!!!! As I erase the lies and the unwanted and limiting beliefs with forgiveness and shining the light on them I feel freer and less and less blown about by the ever changing winds of this world.

As I’ve said in other posts, I’ve chosen to have the strength to look at my crap this time- being aware of what I feel, what I’m thinking, what beliefs that that indicates and then decide whether that is where I want to keep operating from or not.

When I choose that Love is my ONLY purpose, it doesn’t matter what I’m seemingly going through, who I’m with, where I’m at. This is the only action I’m focussing on right now, trusting that the rest will fall into place (and it seems to be!).

I’m not sure that I ‘stay’ strong, but as all of you have shown me- when I show what this world calls weakness- well- that is seen as strong too!

In a nutshell

1. Sharing
2. Self Awareness
3. Honest Expression
4. Ask for Help (from God and the gods and goddesses around you).


AND finally, the answer I usually use:

“What else are we supposed to do?”

From ACIM Lesson 91

“I am not weak, but strong.”
“I am not helpless, but all powerful.”
“I am not limited, but unlimited.”
“I am not doubtful, but certain.”
“I am not an illusion, but a reality.”
“I cannot see in darkness, but in light.”

Trying Peace vs. Peace

Two teeth pulled and 3 temporary fillings. This was just the tip of the iceberg in terms of the dental work I am potentially facing. Obviously there has been a reluctance to visit these professionals for some time, reluctance in this case is a major understatement. To be perfectly honest I was in fact hoping for a Miracle healing, I even googled it, “Healing Teeth with the Mind”. I believe that Shirley MaClaine may have done it.

The truth is, tooth work is relatively benign, particularly in this day and age of numbing and sedation. There seemed however to be no way to move this information from my brain to my body. My body in the dentist chair would seem to become seized with anxiety, a vibrating mass of concrete. I would feel tortured with a hangover of intense freezing that would seem to come on as soon as I got into my car after the appointment.

I would often lament “My teeth are fine until I go to the dentist” and - “I believe in Fairies but I don’t believe in Dentists”. I am smiling as I write this.

Over the past 12 years I have been intensely reading, reading to figure this whole shit show out. I continue to resonate with similar themes, themes of personal responsibility, the power of the mind and the Grace within each and every one of us. Many paths preach these same idea’s. So it is with these eye’s that I look at the current situation.

As I shared in the last post the idea’s of radiation and dentistry rocked my boat. During the 2 and 1/2 hour dental examination (required for preparation of radiation) I experienced a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions and beliefs- finding myself mistakenly identified as the torturer and the tortured.

So, how did the actual treatment go? I was sharing with a friend that during the treatment (as mentioned in the first sentence) I noticed the difference between trying to be peaceful and Being Peaceful. She said I should write that down, so here I am.

As I sat in the chair I could feel the familiar heart racing, this was confirmed by the dentist “is your heart rate always this high?” as the computer showed it at 99 beats per minute. With some deep breathing I was able to calm this somewhat.

What I believe may be helpful is the internal dialogue. It feels important to state here that there has been an ‘impersonal’ element to this entire situation over the past few months. This is not ‘my’ cancer, ‘my’ cancer treatment nor ‘my’ dentistry. I have not tried to cultivate an impersonal feel to it- that is just how it feels and that is why it’s been easy to share with you. I don’t actually know what any of this is for - despite the vast number of theories that my analyzing (anal- yzing as my friend Tomas would say) mind would like to put forth.

So my internal dialogue is full of idea’s from A Course In Miracles, The Bible, The 4 Agreements, The Power of Now and Loving What Is- books that resonate and speak to me even before I can put their concepts into action.

Back to the chair. I lay there encouraging my body to relax, noticing everything- grounding (a process of bringing awareness to my feet- growing roots out, bringing myself completely into the body). Fears of pain and loss of control began to show up and in response I said (inside) “I am not upset for the reason that I think (the dentist) where is this coming from” Backing it up I notice that I am not feeling safe and I follow I know that thoughts precede feelings and that beliefs precede thoughts. I believe that I am not safe, I believe that I am this small body that can be harmed, I believe that this dentist is outside of me and a threat to me- when I am meditating I sit longer with these kind of beliefs, agreeing to disagree- remembering who I am and handing them over (to Jesus usually for me) and choose again. I shortcut as I’m in the chair and they are commencing treatment- I am safe, I am loved, the dentist has only my best in mind for me. I find these affirmations most helpful only after uncovering what is causing my discomfort in the first place. When I try to use them to cover the panic without looking at it- well, I can hear the ‘bullshit’ right behind each affirmation- not as helpful.

As they settle in- and quickly- no time between freezing and work and yet fully frozen, my mantra switches to “there is no problem here”, this is a fairly recent addition, switching me from looking at what is wrong to settling into the ‘is’. I also remind myself that all I jwant is Peace of mind (in the past I believe I wanted “get this over as soon as possible”). In this time I am also talking to my teeth. Thank You for what you have done, you are going to be taken out, this is for the highest good- and a voice comes in - a voice of one of my spiritual teachers- “you take these teeth very seriously” and I lighten out of giving too much to the teeth but feeling good about the acknowledgment nonetheless.

All of this is helpful, the relaxation, the mantra’s, the mind watching and then- bam- GRACE. Oh, what a difference, suddenly, from within, welling up like a spring emerges from the earth - Peace and Calm. Peace and Calm without trying, peace and calm filling me, sending me into a space that is bigger than my body, feeling the sameness between the dentist, hygenist and myself. In this space my eyes feel heavy and instead of panic I almost feel like I could fall asleep while the dentist is dismantling my broken teeth and efforting them out! I am aware of a spaciousness inside and it is all okay. I still feel the pressure of the dentist exertion, I am aware of him saying “you are doing so well”. At this point I have a coughing fit, this too is no problem, we all take a break and I continue to sit peacefully, not trying to do anything, not trying to quit coughing or ‘tough it out’. We settle back in and the last piece pops out. We are done in an hour.

As I write this I feel that same feeling popping in, I would love to hear if you feel it too. I am impelled to write and publish this before we head out to the Calgary Stampede. Peace and Calm. Fawna

Shaken, Not Stirred

Two weeks ago I got the great news that my PET scan was negative. I’ve had a lot of people ask, so briefly, a PET scan shows metabolic activity, they show cells that consume sugar for energy, a negative indicates that there is not ‘life’ where there shouldn’t be. Great News!
In the same breathe I was told that we would be quickly beginning radiation. This would require cleaning up any dental problems that have the potential for becoming infected.
After a peaceful morning, Dusty and I in conversation and lots of laughing while we waited for the doctor I left the office shaky. I was crabby and couldn’t wait to get somewhere and have a drink. My legs were literally weak and I felt off balance.
The image I have in my head is a jar of oil and water, where I had been in quite a still place where the two substances- or mindsets- love and fear- had been settled, separated and easy to see, for whatever reason (I'd like to blame radiation and dentistry but I know that the shaking comes from the inside not the outside), the jar was completely shaken and I've spent the past two weeks shifting between love and fear. Since my goal is to live in Love this is not a bad thing, I want to be shaken so I can see what's in there. It's like a background program running on your computer.
So- what this looks like is two weeks of wrestling. I know that to settle I need stillness, fear however has two reactions- fight or flight, definitely not stillness. Despite hearing the gentle wisdom inviting me inwards I often chose to stay busy or irritated. No guilt, just noticing. Finally, three days ago I sat still in the morning, commiting to alignment with Love, allowing That to fill me up. Ahhhh- the days slow down, irritation subsides and opportunities open up.
My process with the fear is not to cover it up- or affirm it away, as I've said before this is a bit like putting a nice blanket on a dog poo. The dog poo is still there, stinking and never completely hidden. If I'm in fear of any kind (irritation, anger, sadness). Then I know I'm choosing to Believe something that's not True. In the past two weeks I've uncovered mistaken beliefs in the 'value' of money, the power(?) of the body, viruses, infections, radiation and the concept of torturing/being tortured. My two and a half hour dentist appointment was a roller coaster - mind watching and releasing that reminded me of cleaning our junk drawer- wow, stuff in there that I didn't realize!
It's been a bit like living in a split screen where I can see how the ego (fear) would have had me just suffering non stop with sad stories and poor me's as opposed to gratitude and 'bring it on', 'let it rip!'.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's what makes the question "how are you?" difficult. On the physical- I'm doing great- the last chemo I had hardly any side effects. Mentally/emotionally I've been shaken- but that's okay, and spiritually? Better than ever.
I have to mention here that some people found the mask pictures disturbing, my Mom says I should let you know that I had the Best time there. The two radiation therapists and I laughed and visited for 40 minutes.., the back of the mask is a foam that warms and expands around your head and neck and the front is warm and meshy- not hard to breathe at all. It was in fact spa-like and 90 % less uncomfortable than most beauty treatments (definitely nicer than a Brazilian wax!).
I am going into 20 treatments of radiation feeling clearer every day, divine guidance and my doctor are in agreement that this is happening. I have no idea why, but that is part of the fun. Living in the Mystery, stop pretending that I 'know' why, what, trusting that I'm loved and supported. Even with these blogs, I'm writing without planning or editing and the feedback has been gorgeous. I am completely reinforced that living without being guarded, without hiding things (to the degree that I'm able) leads to Miracles and connection.
Feeling it all,
Fawna

Deserve?

A friend asked if I pre- write my blogs. It seems like they ‘percolate’, bubbling up until all of a sudden they are ready to be written.

Yesterday I had the prompt that this one was READY!

The prompt was a Facebook comment. I had gone on an overnight retreat Tuesday and had outlined what a great time it was , one of my friends commented “Well deserved...”

About a month ago my husband mentioned that he didn’t think the kids ‘deserved’ lunch money. The reaction that I had was confusion- what does that even mean?

It seems that we have set up an economy of deserved ness. Depending on how much you suffer, you will be given your allotment of nice. The amount will be in direct correlation to how much you believe you are worth- with extra credit to you if you have some sort of pain, struggle or victim hood.

The amount will be completely arbitrary depending on the person, and I'm noticing that most people think someone else's suffering is worse than their own. Unless of course they have denied themselves long enough to hit "what about me????".

Can you see how this economy is self perpetuating and keeps us in a cycle of suffering punctuated by small oasis of happy or good or nurturing?

How often do we justify meeting our own needs over another's needs because of this concept "this will hurt them, but dammit- I deserve it". I don't have a problem with this except for because we are One- any acts of separation will ultimately feed guilt, keeping the whole machine in perpetual motion.

We have elevated cancer to the realm of awful where you deserve everything! We were cracking up at a golf tournament when I revealed my bald head and 'puss in boots' face to be the next table up to the buffett.

When I meditate on Deserve I find no such concept in Love. Or another way to look at it - an all encompassing idea- All deserving all!

All deserving All? It's so foreign to this world that the mind goes -what? Crazy talk Fawna- that can't work?

The concept of punishment and reward is deeply embedded. I'm only suggesting 'what if?'.

What if you deserve to be happy as a birthright? What if you stopped denying yourself or your people dependent on perceived worth? What if we trusted that our needs and others would be met without our continual interference in the form of "this is fair and this is not fair" that is handed out from a very limited space of awareness. Wow- longest sentence ever! What I'm saying is, we don't have the big picture- on our selves or anyone else, we can agree on that, right? Yet we continually think that we know who deserves what, and how much. The formula is complicated and unique dependent on how you were raised, no wonder we disagree so much!

Continually on this journey I've caught myself going to turn the tap of receiving down - or off- "okay- that's enough- a week in Santa Fe, stop the good for a while- you have your cup full". We all know that person "no, I'm good, I'm fine, that's enough.". That's enough? Says who? How do you know?

Have you ever had that sense that when things are going great that there is some form of payment lurking in the background? Some sort of suffering will need to balance out this goodness. I know a lot of us with healthy kids live with this "I have so much- what's gonna happen?". Some of us will self limit in the hopes of preventing having to 'pay' for good.

And of course there are the the ones who never have enough!

This reminds me that in Truth we want Love- no other commodity can replace it.

We all deserve Love, all of it, tap wide open. It's the only currency that multiplies as we give or receive it. The retreats, gifts, goodies of this world are stand ins. It is a process though, accepting the good here is a way to start embodying your self worth.

We have laughed several times over the past few months about my "get out of jail Free card".

My process over the last few months has been a giving control over to God (the Universe, consciousness, whatever you call it). This idea of deciding/knowing who deserves what- both suffering and joy, seems to be one that has so many unintended consequences when I think I am qualified to be the judge.

One way to help with this process is appreciation, I love how this is also a word we use for growing money. When we appreciate receiving we seem to avoid thoughts of too much or not enough. Truly grateful for this forum to share thoughts!

I think that's all I have to say about that...

Love,
Fawna

From. Afar.

I am smiling and jumping with excitement to share a note from my friend Tia.
As I wrote to Tia, thank you for giving helplessness a voice, I know that this will be helpful.
This is a shared experience and if we can be open to every voice we will have an amazing choir- that’s what I want.
Embrace it all, no man (woman) (transgendered/neutral) left behind.
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You Tia. When this is over we will go out for lobster.




Gus will stand in for anger and frustration:

"Hi Beautiful ... I cannot stop thinking about you. I stole your blog title and wrote ...

I'm sorry if the obscenities offend ... I wanted you to know.



Everyday Aha: From. Afar.

As I sit and re-read Fawna’s blogs for the millionth time, feeling like a stalker monitoring her page, I am struck by the “somethings” that are stirring inside me. Okay, not stirring, but like my six-year old says, “Mommy, it feels like there is a lobster in my tummy that keeps snapping its pinchers inside me. It hurts. I don't know if I'm mad or sad or worried”. So, for some unknown reason, I feel compelled to blog (not that I have my own) about these “lobsters” in my tummy whenever I creep Fawna’s page for an update.

“Everyday Aha: From Afar” – this title guides my writing at this very moment. The internet tab on my computer which reads “FaceBook” is something that I click on every ten minutes with Fawna’s page just to see if there is an update. This all started about two weeks ago when my BlackBerry lost every piece of data I had in it and none of it was recoverable. I sent out a mass email for my contacts (of which Fawna was one) to send me their information once again. As always, Fawna is the “first on the scene” and responded within mere moments to my “distress” – giving me every phone number that she thought I might need. I texted her later that week – suggesting coffee – with her replying that when she returned from her retreat, it was a plan in the works. Because Fawna seems to always be on these self-discovery retreats, I went on her FaceBook page to see what she was up to this time … thinking maybe she was learning some new skill with those rocks that people use for massage, some new meditation technique or a new idea for helping people …

I cried. From. Afar.

Since then, I have thought about Fawna every day – almost every hour of every day … I’m sure her loved ones think about her every millisecond of everyday … and those “somethings” just won’t stop going … damn lobsters. In an effort to put it out there “From Afar” and after being inspired by Dusty’s Blog: “How the Fuck do you think I’m doing”, I thought maybe it was time to share thoughts. From. Afar.

I don’t intend to make this blog about me but hopefully, some of these words are echoed by others. From. Afar.

Here we go … From. Afar. I think:

1. Really?!?! Again?!?! What the FUCK?!?!
Cancer? Yes, you! You are an asshole.

2. Fucking Bring IT!!!
Cancer? You chose the wrong lady. You are evil and bad and unfortunately for you – you are going to get your ass kicked again … I’m all for watching you shrink and shrivel. For the benefit of us all, go the FUCK away quickly … and stay gone. A’right?

3. Pick on Someone Else!
Can’t you see, Cancer? Fawna is NEEDED, LOVED, ESSENTIAL and BEAUTIFUL!! She is everything you aren’t. You sneak the fuck up on people … impose yourself where you aren’t wanted and on the people that deserve (not that anyone does) you the LEAST. Hear me? Fuck off!

4. What does one say? From. Afar?
As a social worker for two decades, I am supposed to figure out the words that have meaning and are appropriate and make things “better”. It’s like wanting to put on a band-aid, buy a big fucking lollipop and a pony to make it all “okay”. I cannot. I cannot make it better (meaning make the cancer go away), I cannot find the words to tell Fawna how it feels to see her body hurting (From.Afar), I cannot find the logic to understand when Fawna tell us everything is okay, that she feels good, that she is peaceful and happy and not want to yell out loud - obscenities! From. Afar.

5. Is Fawna really okay? From. Afar?
I have the qualitative opportunity to know Fawna and her family over the years – although quantitatively, have not had the time that lots of others have spent with her. Fawna, the epitome of grace, kindness, love and “putting everyone else before herself”, would tell everyone that she is okay. But is she really? That’s my question and I may not have the context that others have to accurately know. From. Afar. I search her pictures, her eyes, wonder what her thoughts are when she is alone … and wonder if she is really okay? Really? Okay? Truth be known, I think she might be doing better than the rest of us.

6. There are NO other options. From. Close. And. Afar.
There are no options. Just like there weren’t when Fawna first battled this demon. If anyone in this world has the spirit and love to overtake this beast, it’s Fawna. She is love … LOVE … and there is nothing else more powerful in this world to erase the bad … all of us combined, there is NO other option.

7. All of my Wishes. From. Afar.
Fawna? You have all of my wishes, my hopes and my most pleading prayers that I’ve saved up and never used. You have all of my dreams that I missed wishing on that falling star … you have my warmest of hugs, my most pleading and hoping of tears, my respect, my admiration for your strength and grace … and all of the blessing that the Grandfather’s and God will bring.

Love. From. Afar.
Tia"

How is Dusty Doing?

A few weeks ago I began to get asked “How is Dusty Doing?” again and again. I asked him if he would do a blog, or tell me and I would post it. He obliged, and I remember his entire blog word for word:

“How the Fuck do you think I am?” Dusty Bews

I was thinking that would have a strong appeal to my family who all profess to have ADD (and have noted that my blogs are too long).

I have laughed about his statement over and over. That’s how it is with Dusty, he makes me laugh because he says things that I may have thought but don’t think to say.

Dusty has been a rock. He knocked it out of the park 12 years ago- proving that he took the “In sickness and in health” promise seriously. He remembers every med and blood count and detail, allowing me to float in my rainbow haze loving everyone.

He was with me when I was diagnosed, I went to “Shit I have to tell everyone” and he went to “Fuck, I don’t want to have to watch you go through this again”. Once we got over this we are united in knowing that I will get through this better than anyone can believe, laughing at all the dark humour that emerges in the situation and stepping up to the task of helping manage me, the kids and our life, while still working 40+ hours per week.

Dusty does not allow me to wallow in self pity, giving 'to the point advice' as needed “If you would get off of your ass you would feel better”. I am grateful that we have some wonderful friends and our parents that he can lean on.

When we went through this in 2000 he quit work (was working on the movie “The Claim” at Fortress) and was with me every step of the way- doing puzzles, remembering and watching me. He just told me that he doesn’t do puzzles this time. Over the years I’ve often thought that that time was harder on him than me. I remember saying “Geez Dusty, when’s the bad part- I feel great”, He said “Honey, you are as high as a kite”. I’m sure you all get it- and hence the question “how is Dusty doing?”.

Now don’t get me wrong, he’s not ready for sainthood yet, his bickering with our 13 year old makes me want to tear out my itty bitty hairs.

In my opinion Dusty is doing great, he is here, he is supportive, he is understanding and he is fun. I feel lucky.

Here is the Mothers Day gift that Dusty made me- a raised garden (planted on Sunday with the help of my friend Suzi).

Pause, Rewind, Fast Forward

It’s been a little bit since I blogged and I’ve been getting word that a few of you are worried. May need to get a live cam, reality show type crew to follow me, your worry on me is wasted. I am happy as a clam. Today, I noticed that I was completely content; I was doing my taxes, I have chemo. tomorrow and a PET scan on Wednesday and I was as happy as I was in Pecos, NM on retreat.

I stepped out of my ‘regular’ life for a week in a Monastery in New Mexico on a retreat with teachers Nouk Sanchez, Carrie Triffet and Stacy Sully. Their teachings are based on A Course In Miracles, a text who’s main tenants are making the choice between Faith and Fear and using Forgiveness as a tool to invite Peace, Love and Harmony into your life. These gentle and humble teachers invited an honest look at our thinking and gave us the tools to ‘let go’ and to ‘embody’ the Miracle Maker. Thanks to the loving support of Dusty, the kids and our families I was able to completely immerse myself in the quiet time and the connection to Spirit, I can’t think of a nicer gift. Taking the time to stop and go within (Pause) allows me to see the ‘crazy making’ thoughts that are ever present (Rewind) and then to shoot closer to the awareness that I Am Love. This sense has begun to fill me, warming me and drawing me closer to everyone- friends, family and beautiful strangers on the shuttle.

This presence was welcomed as I returned to hear that my sister in laws parents, long time neighbours had been in a head on collision and were fighting for their lives. As with the story of cancer, this is a shared experience, felt deeply by a wide circle and weighing heavily on those closest to the family. My brother and sister in law (not the same one) were the first on scene and handled it unbelievably well, but were understandably shaken.

The overwhelming sense that I have is that we are all in this together, that in sharing our vulnerability we show that we no longer need the strong defences, the walls, the misguided controlling behaviours that keep us separate. Our connection is our strength.

So, if you are wondering how I am, I have to say better than ever. I’m in a space where the words are not quite enough, so I ask you to stop now, close your eyes and drop your awareness into your body, the heart, the belly- drop in, tune in and join me in the openness here. I ask you to feel how I’m feeling, and I assure you that you will not be worried any more.

Love You!

Focussing on the Gifts

We have been without internet for a week so it was a chance to unplug (aka torture the teens).

Where I’m at right now is a week after the second chemotherapy. I met with my lovely team, 2 doctors and a nurse at Tom Baker on April 27th to get the low down on their plan. They were thrilled with the results of the initial treatment and how I was feeling. In a short visit they lined out their plan to treat this as a ‘new’ occurrence and therefore take least invasive measures first (yay!). Three sessions of RCHOP (chemotherapy) followed by a PET scan and radiology consult. I was thrilled- 2 more sessions- easy peasy!

Over the time since the first chemotherapy I continued to accept offers of supplemental treatments, I had a Reiki + session with Sandy Day from High River. I made a commitment to see Sandy for her nurturing treatments monthly in 2005,
in May of that year I became miraculously pregnant with Gus. I had been told that I would NOT become pregnant after the Stem Cell Transplant and had in menopause for years. Sandy is where I go when I want to feel complete unconditional love and attention.

The second week I had a “Journey” session with Deb Elliot from Millarville, this was a profound session, uncovering beliefs about being ‘let down’ by ‘spiritual teachers’, being betrayed, not being trusted and not trusting. In uncovering these I am able to choose again, to choose to trust and heal. I have had several people say “I couldn’t do that, I’m not that in tune”, it’s just not true, there is an element of fear in looking at these beliefs and a stronger relief when you have the courage to do so. The power of these sessions are that they take you right to your Source, to your Truth and allow you to access that Wisdom- all in a couple of hours of guided meditation.

In the final ‘rest’ week I had a massage/CranioSacral treatment and Oxygen therapy with Sheila Harvey at the beautiful Chimney Rock Wellness Retreat.

I have continued to receive distance healing from yoga groups, drum groups, healers and prayer circles from everywhere.

The morale support on Facebook and in email has been remarkable, people reaching out with their love and their own stories.

I finished reading Wayne Dyer’s “Wishes Fulfilled” and Anita Moorjani’s “Dying To Be Me”.

After waking drowned in hair last Sunday Dusty shaved my head, I let it go too far to do the mullet or mohawk! It’s been a week and - for goodness sake it is growing! Gus found it scary at first and then enjoyed scaring his friends with it (my bald head) this week.

Chemotherapy last Monday was much quicker, I spent a couple of hours sleeping through it and just managed it much better this past week. I actually took all the medications I was supposed to (lol) and did my best to truly rest (realizing this is not my strong suit). The chemotherapy leaves me feeling ‘hungover’- tired, gross taste in the mouth and nauseated however, after months of feeling miserable I would say that overall I am feeling better. By Thursday I was well enough to take the 3 kids shopping and go to Costco. I saw Sandy Day again and today was treated to a visit and a Crystal Healing Kit from Grace Diamond.

I continue to wake in the middle of the night with meditation and insights. This week is what about eliminating dis-ease, and my desire to remove all barriers to Ease. Ease in relationships, ease in support, ease in health, in every area. I saw how the current situation is a chance to grind to a halt. A chance to redirect towards heart centred living, a chance to stop ‘trying’ to be perfect and accept my perfection- as is, here and now. I also have a strong sense that all of this is happening through me, not by me, that Grace is acting on me in a way that is NOT under personal control and that theree is a sense of evolution to it- it’s just time. Time to give up one way of living for another. Without judgement on the past or on what ‘other’ people are doing.

What this adds up to is GRATITUDE. I continue to allow myself to Love and Be Loved - allowing pieces of dis-ease with this to fall away. I have had miraculous support all around me, from my husband and kids to our accountant, lawyer and banker (seriously!) and everyone in between.

This weekend I booked flights to New Mexico to join the Power of Power Retreat. I will step away from my life for a week and I look forward to the opportunity to step away from old roles- Mom, Wife, Daughter as well as this recent role of ‘cancer person’. I look forward to listening and hearing.

I don’t have a point today, sharing more than anything, sharing all of it.

Dusty and I have both been struck by our ‘fear detector’, the room when we left chemotherapy on Monday was FULL of it, heavy, choking fear and despair. Dusty mentioned ‘they should have comedians in here’. The loss of hair seems to trigger people, both of us feeling their terror as a discordant hum. This hits us mostly as a surprise as we are not in a space of ‘Fawna is dying’ and so when we see it sets us back, Dusty usually starts to laugh, it doesn’t seem to last long when people tune in.

I’m grateful for all of you who are following and participating in this journey, we are in this together and I invite you to love yourself with me. I’d really like to hear some feedback from some of you for what’s going on with you too- share your insights, your growth, your miracles.

In Peace,
Fawna

I Heard the Little Scream

If you read one of my recent posts you will remember that my son Jake said “Mom, What if the tumour screamed a little scream as it died?”. Well this week I heard the little scream, but it wasn’t the tumour, it was ‘helpful, helpful Fawna’. Like in the Wizard of Oz she was screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting”.

I have had very clear prompts from the Holy Spirit that this is a time of Receiving and a chance to let go of some well worn patterns. Without guilt, without a belief that I’ve done something wrong. With the realization that much (not all) of my ‘helping’ came from disguised righteousness, lack of belief in other people or God, a ‘Saviour Complex’, a need to be seen as ‘nice Fawna’, all from the ego.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Hot Tub Lifeguard

So here’s how it showed up this week, I’ve been being really good about not helping- when I don’t feel good, when I had my treatment with Velva Dawn I was told that I am in a ‘candy wrapper’ and am not to come out until the time is right. On Wednesday I reached my little T-Rex arm out when a client from the Inn called “Fawna, You are the only one I can trust”- good one ego! By the end of the day I was exhausted and all of those who’ve been guarding me were pissed right off!

That night I had a dream with the same theme, my cousin ‘needed’ me and it was crucial- it was 50% of her mark! In the dream we were both stressed right out.

I woke up in the morning and heard the little scream. One of my spiritual mentors said to me a few weeks ago- “what parts are you not going to salvage, are you not going to save, this is an opportunity to step out of the ‘character’ of Fawna”.

So this begs the question, “Isn’t it good to help?”, of course it is, in the movie “Happy” by Tom Shadyac he talks about helping as one of the most helpful steps towards happiness. What I’m talking about is letting go of the helping with strings, the kind that leads you to resentment, or the manipulative helping- the helping that is to prevent conflict or criticism (hmm...that’s me).

Many times I’ve said to my clients- if you are a helper you cannot and will not stop helping- it’s about putting yourself in the mix. So I guess the truth is - I’m not stopping helping (I LOVE helping), I’m helping myself right now.
I know there have been times in my life where my closes circle is exasperated with me, my parents will recognize my need to rest and they will take the kids and while they are gone I will go and help someone move, or sit with a depressed friend.

The actions are not wrong in Any Way- actions are neutral. I’m asking myself- “What Is Behind This?” “Why am I doing this?” “Is this an Obligation or a Heart Desire?” “Ego or Highest Self?"

Self Awareness means taking a look at every action, every thought, every reaction- “Why?”. I want to be a teacher of light, love and wholeness, I no longer desire to feed the pain and suffering that keeps the idea of Separation going. I’M MELTING Clip

Following Your Heart

I’ve been touched by the gifts I’ve been receiving, not so much for the material value, but I am finding that those around me are offering gifts of themselves. They are offering items that make them happy, they are extending their talents. This week has been a perfect example of this.

My friend Jane offered singing lessons (“I was in the bath and I was thinking it would be great for your throat and lungs”)- so watch for us on tour. There are too many to mention. Monday and Tuesday were perfect examples of how it all works out when you follow your heart.

On Monday we got the kids off to school and I realized I was a bit more fatigued than I thought. I puttered around the house a bit until the dog started going crazy- it was my friend Lee-Anne who is a wildlife photographer- she brought me the most beautiful picture of an eagle (the imagery of the eagle has been showing up a lot). Lee-Anne and I had tea and I was expecting Cara and Jager (a good friend of Gus) for lunch.

Cara arrived with Salad and Bubbles! Cara is full of energy, her enthusiasm for the bubbles was contagious. I am quite sure that I would not have ventured outside on Monday, let alone outside and play. As we ran around the yard I realized how fun and outdoors were also a critical part of this healing process. As I’d become ill over the winter I had been spending more and more time indoors- despite little pangs that going out for a walk would be a good thing to do. Not only did we get to play but there just so happens to be a photographer on hand, excited to shoot bubbles and play! Cara was happy, I was happy- the boys were pure Joy and the photo’s that Lee-Anne captured are magical. Before the day was out I was also given supper and cookies for the kids!

On Tuesday I ventured out on my own for the first time in a couple of weeks. This story needs to be told from the very beginning.

In running the Highwood River Inn this winter I was really interested in bringing events in that I was passionate about. This birthed some amazing house concerts and there are some fabulous retreats coming this summer. Alisa Gamblin, of Garden of the Mind Hypnotherapy in Nanton, and I decided it would be great to view and discuss some spiritual/expansive thinking films. We set this up for the spring and we were able to do one show- otherwise it just didn’t fly. Instead of thinking this was a failure - here is how it was a total success. At the one event I met a lovely woman from Millarville, Deb Elliot. Deb was passionate about sharing a book and some work with me. She got my number and we met so that she could give me the book and tell me a little bit more about Brandon Bays- The Journey. It is fascinating work, Brandon healed herself from a basketball sized tumour. Now remember, this is before I knew I was sick! I used ‘the Journey’ work both before and after diagnosis and had some really great insights. Last week Deb sent me a note asking if I liked the book, I told her the whole story and commended her on following her heart and being so persistent in getting me the book- it was truly helpful. She offered to lead me through the process and as I am apt to do right now- I said ‘yes’!

So that’s where I went Tuesday, to meet with Deb at her home and have her run me through “The Journey”. All I had to do was sit and close my eyes and then she runs through ‘a script’ leading me back to where a healing is required. The experience was phenomenal, I’m not going to go through the details, but once again I came away feeling clearer, more centred and I am becoming more and more convinced that WE are the light of the world.

The point of this, besides telling you how very lucky and magical my life has become, is that when you share the gift of your passion it is good for EVERYBODY. No sacrifice, no obligation, no loss.

Thank You to all of you who continue to share yourselves with me, I am truly grateful.

You Matter

In my posts recently I may have talked about ‘letting go’ or ‘going in’ or ‘undoing’ and I have had some people expressing that “Sometimes Fawna I have no idea what you are talking about”.

I woke up at 4 am this morning with a concrete example of the process I am currently going through with this and want to share with you the last 20 minutes.

I woke up with the mind busy, as happens. I was watching how a post earlier in the evening, a post from a friend who’s parents are separating showed the family sign where the woman’s name has now been chiseled off was affecting me.

“what about this bugs me so much?” I am not alone- sometimes just putting it on someone else for a second so I can see it better works, I tried it out on my friend and on her Mom. “This feels significant” “Why is chiseling a name off seem like such a deep hurt, on some level it’s just a sign- what does it matter?” PING, the word matter had a tiny ‘hey there’ quality. “It’s like she’s just been erased, like she just didn’t matter”.

At this point I can feel a truth feeling descend on me- an ‘oops, there it is’.

So I take it home.

In my minds eye I explore “You Don’t Matter” and I feel the vague rumblings over the past few days, under the gratitude for your outpouring a faint “Why Me?, It’s too much?, Strong?” A subtle minimizing of your overtures. I noticed the itchiness of “Why are you blogging anyway- are you just trying to get attention?, Who really cares? Does it really matter?”. I watch in my mind and see how there is indeed a tiny sliver of me that holds the belief- a part of me that while watching a friend who wants to kill herself this week say ‘well, it doesn’t really matter, life is eternal, there is no loss in the Universe’- a spiritual truth in one way but in the feeling of it a dullness, a despair, a quality of ‘meh- you live and then you die, that’s the way it goes- IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER”.

So when this exploration feels complete I noticed in my body that there has been a tension in my back, running all the way from head to toe like a sheet. I have been attempting to fully, fully relax this week and this sheet remains.

Finally I make the decision that I am going to put this on the altar before Jesus (my own little visual that works for me, it changes from time to time). As I am moving towards the altar in my mind it feels like I have a ‘sacred cow’, “You Don’t Matter” has a weight and a quality of ‘my precious’. In my mind I place this before my loving companion, my confident, my friend Jesus and he smiles at me. I feel myself let the weight go and I rest in allowing Grace to take the residue from me and allow me to Choose again.

I sit in “You Matter”, I say it to myself over and over- feeling the tension lift, I say it in my head over and over until it morphs into “I Matter” as I begin to personalize it. I Matter.

This is not I matter in a world way- not in a “you matter to your kids, people rely on you, people need you” sort of way. This is the essence under that, You Matter just because, because you are part of all of this and for absolutely no reason at all- it just is- You Matter, I Matter.

Thanks, Love You

Bringing it All Together

The theme of this weekend was bringing it all together! For example, on my bedside right now there is:
A small bottle of Holy Water from Lourdes
Vick’s Vaporub
Essiac Tea
Angel Cards
Tylenol Extra
Journal
A Course In Miracles
A Womens Study Bible
3 Andara Crystals, a Selenite and a Rose Quartz
An Interpretation of the Bhagavad Gita
Success Rituals 2.0 (featuring my friend Kim Page Gluckie)
Copy of “The Girl Who Played with Fire”
A hand painted picture from Thailand from my brother and sister in law
I AM THE WORD (another book...)

First of all, update- I am feeling calm, healthier than I have for months, hungry, and I can breathe through my left nostril (dreamy)- I can talk clearly again and say the word ‘bean'. I’m noticing that I feel a little ‘protective’- not wanting to go into crowds or busyness, just enjoying the Peace of my house and moments with family and friends- online and in person.

I am not particularly great at any ‘Left Brain Activities’, enjoying movies over reading, quiet and listening to music. Hair intact, only a tiny bit of mouth soreness, so all in all it feels miraculous. The shrinkage on the tumours is difficult to gauge, but where I had a large mass inside on the roof of my mouth, one on my neck, one near my left ear, in the left and right nostrils- now there is ONLY an inability to breathe through the right nostril and if I look deep with a flashlight I can see a faint pearly whiteness. This is compared to the complete filling and expansion of the right nostril with the tumour grossly visible.

Yesterday I spent two hours on my friends Crystal Healing Bed, we were both shocked- seemed like it had been an hour. Velva Dawn is an author, healer and just so much that I can’t even list it here- please look her up. We have been treating each other on and off for years and we never know what to expect. She followed guidance and intuition and man oh man- it was Divine. I won’t go into two hours of detail, but the overall theme seemed to be “Bring It All Together”.

We both come from a medical/science background and have been drawn into the ‘woo-woo’ :)
We talked about the value in just doing what is Guided (this discernment takes some self awareness and practice)- which included reflexology (something we are both trained in but use less than the ‘energy’ work). Even her iPod agreed with us, inserting a JLo dance tune in the midst of chants and healing tunes, and it was so perfect, the words were so right that they brought tears to my eyes!

I am following the diet as given- it is what I want to eat, so it’s been easy, I am taking a few supplements and immune boosters and (possibly a relief for some of you to hear), anticipate having a second chemo treatment on April 30th.

My thoughts on the chemo at this point, and I am willing to allow them to change, is to be mindful. If I become completely symptom free I want to be tested and see what’s going on.

I just can’t not mention here that my belief is that ALL of this healing is coming from the Mind- from the inside out and not the other way around, this brings a ‘sameness’ to the treatments.

The prayers, generosity in all of it’s forms (I will have to do a list at some point- it is REMARKABLE), and well wishes lift us all.

Dusty and I spent a great day in reflection today, he with his 15 pack and me with my tea- we talked about perspective and judgement and moving forward. We are being well cared for.

I’ll close with what Jake (14yrs) just said to me “Mom, what if while the tumour was dying it screamed a little scream the whole time”- LOL- yeah, that would suck.

Witness Janet

On the first day of chemo a lifetime friend joined Dusty and I.

Armed with her heart, mind and camera she captured moments in this
journey that I truly will treasure.

Thank You Janet!

See Here

Laying It All Out There

I realize as I sit here that I feel a bit of pressure to write something good! ha ha- there- I’ll just shake that off and continue to ask Holy Spirit to just join me here and share what seems helpful to share.

I’m sitting in my bed, been here for the past three days pretty much, amazing how you can stay in the same space and still experience the range of emotions that often seems to go with moving about in the world.

I had Chemotherapy on Monday, I’m happy that my friend Janet Pliszka- [who invited me to play at recess in Grade 5 on my first day at Longview School making me feel warm and welcome- as opposed to my brothers week of ‘who is the toughest in Grade 4'-Thanks Janet], I’m happy that Janet could come, we were both just ‘feeling it’. I did regret not having more pictures of the process last time. I’m looking forward to Janet’s blog on her couple of hours there- coming later today.

For Dusty and I the day was uneventful, I was hooked up to the IV from 9:30 to about 4:00- with no adverse reactions. Had a nap, played Tetris, looked at Facebook, eavesdropped on the nurses conversations- not much of anything really. I felt calm and peaceful, wondered what everyone else’s story was, which is how I usually feel in a group of strangers. Dusty was patient, got me food and sat in the corner on a hard chair. Luckily he listened to my medication instructions as they seemed to have escaped me.

I felt fine until Monday night and the nausea hit, gross taste in my mouth, general yuckiness (autocorrected to luckiness- nice!). I had a meeting on Tuesday at the Ranch So I got dressed, looked actually pretty good and went from there to an beautiful Reiki treatment with Reiki Master and loving Earth Mother Sandy Day. The treatment with Sandy was great, she sent love to the cancer saying “I know that it is probably hard for you to do right now” and then exclaimed on all of the light and love and ‘high vibration’ despite everything. I think we are all feeling that (and I can’t help think that you are all contributing- thank you).

My Dad drove me to and from the appointment, I’m learning to ask for what I need. Another sidebar- today I wanted Hamburger soup and asked for it- my brother in law made it for me- don’t know why but that totally warms my hear.

Okay- details aside, here is what I want to share and I really want to do it Justice. I capitalized that on purpose, when I capitalize it’s usually because it has to do with Truth to me- not justice of this world but Justice in the ‘God’ ‘Universe’- whatever word you use for ‘the big Kahuna’.

On the way home from Sandy’s my Dad and I were having a philosophical conversation. We were talking about Manifesting and our power in this world and how things work. We are both metaphysical, self help book junkies. After spending two peaceful hours on Sandy’s table I was in a Peaceful place. I calmly stated my current belief- that the cause is our beliefs (ultimately our desire- separation or connection) and this world is the effect. Let me make it clear that I don’t believe we are willing to always look at all of our beliefs, so this is not always readily apparent to us.

I’m adding this paragraph in because I feel like in this journey I haven’t properly addressed what I think was a pivotal moment. One of these hidden beliefs was shown to me in the Energy treatment that I had the day after diagnosis. In a distance, on the phone session, I was led to the ‘root’ of the issue. I saw myself being born, I hated it, it was cold and startling and I was crying and thinking “get me out of here”. It didn’t stop there, as the practitioner gently led me forward I saw myself go back in and experience the birth again, with awareness, with warmth, with love and gentleness- you can imagine how powerful this was. I went back in a third time, this time into ‘no expectancy’, wide open, “Baby your a firework” kind of place. This decision to ‘stay here’ was the beginning of healing.

This is not something that I need anyone to join me in, it’s more of a set up on what I want to share.

Skip ahead to Wednesday- yesterday- I wrestled yesterday. I wrestled with a body that did not want to eat, a more intense gross taste in my mouth, fear of having to do this 6-8 more times, headaches, perpetual running nostrils and bloody nose, regret at having had the chemo., questioning whether having the chemo. was a denial in my faith in the healing power of God, or the body, or my belief system- all in all a real mind fuck. I tossed and turned in bed, unable to rise for anything but going to the bathroom, I spent the past two days with Kleenex shoved up both nostrils (didn’t post that picture, did I!). I heard Dusty call my Mom and Dad and say that it was fine for them to take the kids to Cranbrook, I was glad. I reached out to a mentor and this is what she wrote:

"Chemo? Does is feel “right” for you? Chemo has no meaning of its own…we give everything all the meaning it has for us. If using it temporarily gives you some peace, then use it! And while using it, give it to HS deep within asking for Him to show you what HE wants you to feel, to know and to remember. Pain or suffering is NOT God’s Will…so you can claim your healing any moment that you are ready. The body has no ability to betray you…maybe you could take this thought to HS too and ask Him to demonstrate this if it feels right. Ultimately Fawna, you are perfect. Stay true to your Self. And listen. No effort. No struggle. Forgive the body for what it did not do. Sit with HS and together write it a Love letter…realizing that the body could never betray you…what would you say to it? And to Holy Spirit? What do you want to say to your Self? What desires to be brought to the LIGHT and transformed by it?
I am with you in this. We all are. Jesus is here. Atonement is done. All healing has already been accomplished in Jesus’ Resurrection. Let’s join Him now in our joint commitment to ACCEPT, to RECEIVE his Love and heal the guilt that used the body for attack.
With infinite Love,
Nouk xoxoxoxo”


Whoa- this feels like very deep sharing for me here. Many of you have commented on courage- this is the first time I am actually calling on Courage.

Trying to wrap the head around this doesn’t work for me, I hear it in my gut, in the opening of my heart space. I hear the faint bell of truth on the outer limits of my awareness.

So this is where I sit today. I still didn’t get out of bed, I feel good enough that I was tempted to, but this is such an opportunity to be quiet and have my thoughts revealed.

Today it was revealed to me that there is a thought in my mind about the ‘glory of suffering’, that it is okay to have what I want, but only if I purchase it with some suffering. This is guilt. It is okay for me to get out of the jobs that I don’t really want if I have cancer, it is okay to lay in bed all day thinking about God, it is okay to tell everyone that I love them and it’s okay to receive their free and uncompromising love- if I’m sick. This tiny mad idea has some fairly unintended consequences.

A couple of months ago one of our boys at the Ranch (a great teacher) did something that he was not supposed to do. We were all scared for him, but we truly love and believe in this kid and it was a totally understandable mistake considering his age and background. I was called in to do some counselling with him and in the hour we spent together a great truth was illuminated. I knew that he was feeling particularly guilty about approaching a staff who he has a great relationship with, so that’s where I took him. He said he was going to stay in the car, and when I said “are you sure?” he mustered up the courage to come in.

As he sat in a chair head down, facing away from this loving person, I saw myself, I saw myself with God. He wasn’t looking at her so he couldn’t see that she was not angry at all, she was relieved and happy to see him, she assured him that she would always be there for him, but he wouldn’t look to see it.

The other day I wrote on Facebook “Focussing on the Resurrection”, that’s where I’m at, having and giving the Love that I am without the pain, guilt and suffering, just letting it go. Forgiving you, forgiving me, actually having a good time here.

I’m feeling a bit of an urge to defend this ‘belief’ system, to talk about the ‘Observer Effect’ that has been proven in scientific experiments ( ha ha, there- I just did it). Many of you have been calling me ‘strong’, our True strength is in defencelessness. I am laying aside fear- my need to defend or attack- and just opening up to your thoughts, feelings, idea’s- or nothing at all.

I assure you that I am feeling very healed in this moment. I don’t know what is coming next but I’m grateful for the opportunity to step into this.

Love You.