Choosing to Live

Choosing to Live

Okay, I’ve decided what I’m going to do, I’m going to live. I actually made this decision several months ago, but as the circle of this cancer story comes to completion I am now sitting in contemplation of when I believe this healing began.

To close this circle I want to tell you the beginning. It feels as if I have been open in this journey but have left out a major plot element, I have hinted at it, mentioned it, but never given you the whole story.

It feels like time to share the healing vision.

I began to experience throat pain last May. It was diagnosed as strep throat off and on all summer and fall. I spent the fall working hard at two jobs, visiting medical and alternative treatment providers and thrashing around fighting my mind. I realize in hindsight that the medical professionals were mirroring my decision not to deal with what grew into a massive tumor filling my sinus cavity and literally coming out my nose. Until it was ‘plain as the nose on my face’ we were complicit in ignoring symptoms.

When my misery; a constant snotty nose, a snotty eye, a large mass filling the left nostril and an inability to nose breathe whatsoever, coupled with fatigue and weight loss came to a peak I surrendered my stubborn will to ‘wish’ it away and revisited my doctor. No begging was needed, she said “OH MY GOD” when she looked up my nose. Now I waited to see a specialist, in this week the mass broke through the roof of my mouth, and growths showed up at my temple and on my neck, I called the doctor and said “I need to see someone NOW”.

We were on high speed from then. When I received the diagnosis of 'Recurring Non- Hodgkins Lymphoma' one of my first actions was to contact a spiritual mentor and heart sister (a few of them actually).

Stacy Sulley is an energy practitioner, I quickly scheduled an appointment with her. When she called I shared what had been the primary message I had been given. I have been cultivating a relationship with Spirit for several years and now regularly get messages- if I remember to ask. The message I was getting was “Pull it out by the root”. Stacy and I entered our session with this intention in mind.

This session was over the phone, I lay in my bed and put the speaker phone on my chest, closed the door and closed my eyes.

Stacy instructed me to breathe and we both became quiet, she repeated the intention to go to the root of the current issue. I dropped my awareness into my body, relaxing and allowing my consciousness to drift around the body. I don’t really have a sense of the time, but some time later I became aware of an intense irritation, and the sound of a baby crying. The plaintative sound of a newborn crying, the kind that puts most women on high alert. I sat with the crying, which I identified as me. I allowed that baby to cry and cry- witnessing. The story unfolded as follows- the baby was born (and I had a sense this was the first birth- not necessarily connected to my mother now) and the baby (I) was shocked and mad. “What the Hell is this?”, “It’s cold here”, “I don’t like it”, “Get me out of here” - I probably don’t have to spell it out- but this is what I saw as ‘the root’ of the current issue.

I spent quite some time listening to the baby tell it’s story, rant and rave and eventually it became quiet. I stayed with it. Suddenly there was a shift and the baby (I) was pulled back in- back to the womb. I experienced the birth experience again, this time warm, filled with love and understanding- aware. I was both watching and feeling this, and it gives me a big sigh even now.

I was thinking ahhh- there it is- that’s it- and then bam- I was going back in again- this time there was no womb, it was just space. Vast openness, and the words were ‘not expecting’, ‘no expectations’, a sense of Being.

I kind of came out of it there and said- OMG- Stacy did you see that? Did you feel that? She kind of chuckled and said, it’s not done yet.

I brought my awareness back to this space and asked the babies questions “what is this?” “what is the purpose of being here?” I asked again and again and there was a dawning understanding, a quiet voice (perhaps voices) patiently allowing me to ask the question again and again until I was hearing and feeling- there is no question, there are no questions- and YOU are the answer. Over and over again - YOU are the answer.

I feel vulnerable sharing this here, I hope you’ll feel the message behind this- as I don’t think I can actually put it clearly into words and it is almost like admitting something about yourself that you can hardly believe. I’m not sure why it feels so awkward, so embarrassing to express that I felt my Worth, my Power and inherent and everlasting ‘Yesness’. I heard it over and over again, “there is no question, you are the answer”.

I came out of the session, an hour and 1/2 later feeling a little shaken, but seriously happy to uncover a ‘death wish’.

I could see how I always saw spirituality, goodness, relief, happiness - out there- and had a general disdain for the world, the body, matter and materiality. I have been living a story of “Get me the hell out of here”, lost in mind and spirit, ignoring and attacking the body whenever possible.

This session was on a Friday evening (good Friday :)), I saw my sister in Law on Friday and on Sunday and she and I both believed that the tumor was smaller and I was healthier on Sunday- on Monday I had my first chemo. By the next friday there was no indication of the growth on my face, in my mouth, throat or temple.

I spent time praying on whether I needed to continue with Western Medicine, feeling strongly that I was healed. Thankfully the message was consistent- “you will complete your Western Medical treatment”. From that time on I have, despite treatment, gotten healthier and healthier, weight consistent with few side effects.

Nouk Sanchez (www.undoing-the-ego.com) shared her learnings with me and they resonated deeply. Truly acknowledging the power of the Mind, the power of what you ‘choose’- often unconsciously coupled with her newfound realization that we can hear/feel this IN the body.

I came across this from Eckhart Tolle:

“Your physical body, which is form, reveals itself as essentially formless when you go deeper into it. It becomes a doorway into inner space. Although inner space has no form, it is intensely alive. that “empty space” is life in its fullness, the unmanifested Source out of which all manifestation flows. The traditional word for that Source is God.” Eckart Tolle

So at that moment, and now, here in the reflective space of this beautiful autumn I am choosing life. For quite some time I had “Follow Your Bliss” on my Facebook, what I didn’t know is that I had unconscious desires that were at odds with this- unconscious beliefs in a certain badness and a wish to destroy ‘Fawna’. The weird thing is, I do want to destroy Fawna, the Fawna that thinks she is this little helpless piece of meat, relating to (and often afraid of) the other pieces of helpless meat. I want to re-member that ‘Yes-ness’, the part that was created from the Divine- and remains Divine.

So, choosing Life, which means choosing Love, which means choosing All, without separations.

That’s what I’m going to do now.

Listen

It’s been a couple of weeks since I posted. We went away for family holiday for a week and now I’m 2 weeks into all three kids in school. Gus started graded one, Jakes in Grade 10 and Paige in Grade 9. I’m done treatment, officially on short term disability until October and have told my boss (brother) that I’m not coming back...

On Facebook I asked NOW WHAT- and I’ve been feeling NOW WHAT!

Talk about consistency, Spirit continues to echo the sentiment of my FAVORITE SONG ---

CLICK HERE ----

So did many of you. Here is the list of Facebook Suggestions:

* Golf
* Still until you hear what is next, in each moment
* Come to the studio and record something (Taylor Sound)
* Relax ?!
* Tahiti/Bora Bora
* Now is the time for whatever is in your heart.
* Trip to Canmore for lunch with Aileen
* Sounds like a great time to just be!!!! Focus on the things you love, and time with those who are most important to you.
* Let everyone come and visit you to join in your "sitting in stillness" ... um ... but combining a bit of laughter, coffee and hugs!
* No thing....
* Embrace what you have accomplished and make plans for the next fifty or more years.
* How about secretarial for your dad .that will keep you busy (My Dad has a fantastic book in him, gestation greater than an elephant).
* how 'bout WRITE a book ... your story?!?!

* Just be...:)

* Take up the hula hoop

* Or competitive lawn darts
* Blue haired pole dancer, spice it up, keep in shape, have a giggle and trying something different!
* Sit and it will come to you.... xoxo It's all perfect :-)xo
* If anyone can feel comfortable waiting for the next step it's you Fawna - hope you enjoy this time of quiet and rest.
* Open space for possibilities - wonderful!

* Have Dusty dress up in just chaps and spurs....

* Come decorate a nursery!

* we should go to the ocean and figure it out:)

* You could let your hair down (Blue) and do whatever is your pleasure!

* Nice-do whatever makes you happy Fawna! You deserve it!

* Good luck leaving the Ranch!!!
 (MOM!)
* You are in luck Fawna we are lookin for a pool girl!! Pay not great but the two peicer outfit will match the awesome blue hair!!!

* Take care of you, Lady.....

* I figure, it is time to just be.


So let me tell you friends- 2 weeks of ‘Being’ is HARD! Great of course, great to see how tempted I am to reacquaint with past behaviours of busy-ness and being ‘helpful’. How addicted I am to ‘think’ and ‘plan’ as opposed to just be.

I am following a couple of people on Facebook who are travelling the world guided by and trusting in Divine Providence. This means they are listening inside for where to go and when and trusting that funds, assistance and all needs will be met by God/Holy Spirit/The Universe. I have decided that I want to do that too- but here in Longview, in my family. So I wake up and say ‘Holy Spirit teach me, show me guide me and lead me in this day’.

One day I was led to watch the movie Ever After, a Drew Barrymore Cinderella story. The Cinderella story is one of my favourites.

The title of this blog is listen, I am listening to all of these cues, the song, the suggestions, my inner guidance- my teacher is LIFE.

Here is how I am seeing the Cinderella story in the Fawna context.

I have spent my life working, self righteously doing jobs, most in a a caretaker role and volunteering whenever possible (sometimes when not possible too!). Following the worlds ideal that you must effort, suffer, be nice, try harder- and be happy doing it.

I’m not complaining, or trying to paint a bad picture- it is very neutral- what I believed in at that time.

The evil stepmother and stepsisters are the ego- never good enough, always demanding, self satisfying, emphasizing having. The prince represents Holy Spirit- love at first site, providing everything without any expectations/requirements- only a choice- and it’s my choice.

Cinderella (me) is a the chooser, and I’m ready, I’m ready to put on my ball gown and put on the shoe that fits.

I know it doesn’t seems like we have a choice- we hide that choice from ourselves- the choice, that is NOT in the world, but in the mind- a choice of Purpose- to love or fear, to connect or to separate. The choice to Love and Connect requires worthiness- not to be earned, but to be accepted. I have already been judged by the Prince - judged innocent.

So this is what I’m doing, taking 2 weeks to write one blog, living like the girl on the front of the Titanic- at the edge of life, focus on mystery rather than ‘what I know is...”, moment by moment- catching when I run back on the boat and start rearranging chairs- lol!

I’d love to hear what your favourite songs, favourite stories say to you- the mythology of you. I love you.