Saturday, April 21, 2012

I Heard the Little Scream

If you read one of my recent posts you will remember that my son Jake said “Mom, What if the tumour screamed a little scream as it died?”. Well this week I heard the little scream, but it wasn’t the tumour, it was ‘helpful, helpful Fawna’. Like in the Wizard of Oz she was screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting”.

I have had very clear prompts from the Holy Spirit that this is a time of Receiving and a chance to let go of some well worn patterns. Without guilt, without a belief that I’ve done something wrong. With the realization that much (not all) of my ‘helping’ came from disguised righteousness, lack of belief in other people or God, a ‘Saviour Complex’, a need to be seen as ‘nice Fawna’, all from the ego.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Hot Tub Lifeguard

So here’s how it showed up this week, I’ve been being really good about not helping- when I don’t feel good, when I had my treatment with Velva Dawn I was told that I am in a ‘candy wrapper’ and am not to come out until the time is right. On Wednesday I reached my little T-Rex arm out when a client from the Inn called “Fawna, You are the only one I can trust”- good one ego! By the end of the day I was exhausted and all of those who’ve been guarding me were pissed right off!

That night I had a dream with the same theme, my cousin ‘needed’ me and it was crucial- it was 50% of her mark! In the dream we were both stressed right out.

I woke up in the morning and heard the little scream. One of my spiritual mentors said to me a few weeks ago- “what parts are you not going to salvage, are you not going to save, this is an opportunity to step out of the ‘character’ of Fawna”.

So this begs the question, “Isn’t it good to help?”, of course it is, in the movie “Happy” by Tom Shadyac he talks about helping as one of the most helpful steps towards happiness. What I’m talking about is letting go of the helping with strings, the kind that leads you to resentment, or the manipulative helping- the helping that is to prevent conflict or criticism (hmm...that’s me).

Many times I’ve said to my clients- if you are a helper you cannot and will not stop helping- it’s about putting yourself in the mix. So I guess the truth is - I’m not stopping helping (I LOVE helping), I’m helping myself right now.
I know there have been times in my life where my closes circle is exasperated with me, my parents will recognize my need to rest and they will take the kids and while they are gone I will go and help someone move, or sit with a depressed friend.

The actions are not wrong in Any Way- actions are neutral. I’m asking myself- “What Is Behind This?” “Why am I doing this?” “Is this an Obligation or a Heart Desire?” “Ego or Highest Self?"

Self Awareness means taking a look at every action, every thought, every reaction- “Why?”. I want to be a teacher of light, love and wholeness, I no longer desire to feed the pain and suffering that keeps the idea of Separation going. I’M MELTING Clip

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Following Your Heart

I’ve been touched by the gifts I’ve been receiving, not so much for the material value, but I am finding that those around me are offering gifts of themselves. They are offering items that make them happy, they are extending their talents. This week has been a perfect example of this.

My friend Jane offered singing lessons (“I was in the bath and I was thinking it would be great for your throat and lungs”)- so watch for us on tour. There are too many to mention. Monday and Tuesday were perfect examples of how it all works out when you follow your heart.

On Monday we got the kids off to school and I realized I was a bit more fatigued than I thought. I puttered around the house a bit until the dog started going crazy- it was my friend Lee-Anne who is a wildlife photographer- she brought me the most beautiful picture of an eagle (the imagery of the eagle has been showing up a lot). Lee-Anne and I had tea and I was expecting Cara and Jager (a good friend of Gus) for lunch.

Cara arrived with Salad and Bubbles! Cara is full of energy, her enthusiasm for the bubbles was contagious. I am quite sure that I would not have ventured outside on Monday, let alone outside and play. As we ran around the yard I realized how fun and outdoors were also a critical part of this healing process. As I’d become ill over the winter I had been spending more and more time indoors- despite little pangs that going out for a walk would be a good thing to do. Not only did we get to play but there just so happens to be a photographer on hand, excited to shoot bubbles and play! Cara was happy, I was happy- the boys were pure Joy and the photo’s that Lee-Anne captured are magical. Before the day was out I was also given supper and cookies for the kids!

On Tuesday I ventured out on my own for the first time in a couple of weeks. This story needs to be told from the very beginning.

In running the Highwood River Inn this winter I was really interested in bringing events in that I was passionate about. This birthed some amazing house concerts and there are some fabulous retreats coming this summer. Alisa Gamblin, of Garden of the Mind Hypnotherapy in Nanton, and I decided it would be great to view and discuss some spiritual/expansive thinking films. We set this up for the spring and we were able to do one show- otherwise it just didn’t fly. Instead of thinking this was a failure - here is how it was a total success. At the one event I met a lovely woman from Millarville, Deb Elliot. Deb was passionate about sharing a book and some work with me. She got my number and we met so that she could give me the book and tell me a little bit more about Brandon Bays- The Journey. It is fascinating work, Brandon healed herself from a basketball sized tumour. Now remember, this is before I knew I was sick! I used ‘the Journey’ work both before and after diagnosis and had some really great insights. Last week Deb sent me a note asking if I liked the book, I told her the whole story and commended her on following her heart and being so persistent in getting me the book- it was truly helpful. She offered to lead me through the process and as I am apt to do right now- I said ‘yes’!

So that’s where I went Tuesday, to meet with Deb at her home and have her run me through “The Journey”. All I had to do was sit and close my eyes and then she runs through ‘a script’ leading me back to where a healing is required. The experience was phenomenal, I’m not going to go through the details, but once again I came away feeling clearer, more centred and I am becoming more and more convinced that WE are the light of the world.

The point of this, besides telling you how very lucky and magical my life has become, is that when you share the gift of your passion it is good for EVERYBODY. No sacrifice, no obligation, no loss.

Thank You to all of you who continue to share yourselves with me, I am truly grateful.

Monday, April 16, 2012

You Matter

In my posts recently I may have talked about ‘letting go’ or ‘going in’ or ‘undoing’ and I have had some people expressing that “Sometimes Fawna I have no idea what you are talking about”.

I woke up at 4 am this morning with a concrete example of the process I am currently going through with this and want to share with you the last 20 minutes.

I woke up with the mind busy, as happens. I was watching how a post earlier in the evening, a post from a friend who’s parents are separating showed the family sign where the woman’s name has now been chiseled off was affecting me.

“what about this bugs me so much?” I am not alone- sometimes just putting it on someone else for a second so I can see it better works, I tried it out on my friend and on her Mom. “This feels significant” “Why is chiseling a name off seem like such a deep hurt, on some level it’s just a sign- what does it matter?” PING, the word matter had a tiny ‘hey there’ quality. “It’s like she’s just been erased, like she just didn’t matter”.

At this point I can feel a truth feeling descend on me- an ‘oops, there it is’.

So I take it home.

In my minds eye I explore “You Don’t Matter” and I feel the vague rumblings over the past few days, under the gratitude for your outpouring a faint “Why Me?, It’s too much?, Strong?” A subtle minimizing of your overtures. I noticed the itchiness of “Why are you blogging anyway- are you just trying to get attention?, Who really cares? Does it really matter?”. I watch in my mind and see how there is indeed a tiny sliver of me that holds the belief- a part of me that while watching a friend who wants to kill herself this week say ‘well, it doesn’t really matter, life is eternal, there is no loss in the Universe’- a spiritual truth in one way but in the feeling of it a dullness, a despair, a quality of ‘meh- you live and then you die, that’s the way it goes- IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER”.

So when this exploration feels complete I noticed in my body that there has been a tension in my back, running all the way from head to toe like a sheet. I have been attempting to fully, fully relax this week and this sheet remains.

Finally I make the decision that I am going to put this on the altar before Jesus (my own little visual that works for me, it changes from time to time). As I am moving towards the altar in my mind it feels like I have a ‘sacred cow’, “You Don’t Matter” has a weight and a quality of ‘my precious’. In my mind I place this before my loving companion, my confident, my friend Jesus and he smiles at me. I feel myself let the weight go and I rest in allowing Grace to take the residue from me and allow me to Choose again.

I sit in “You Matter”, I say it to myself over and over- feeling the tension lift, I say it in my head over and over until it morphs into “I Matter” as I begin to personalize it. I Matter.

This is not I matter in a world way- not in a “you matter to your kids, people rely on you, people need you” sort of way. This is the essence under that, You Matter just because, because you are part of all of this and for absolutely no reason at all- it just is- You Matter, I Matter.

Thanks, Love You

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Bringing it All Together

The theme of this weekend was bringing it all together! For example, on my bedside right now there is:
A small bottle of Holy Water from Lourdes
Vick’s Vaporub
Essiac Tea
Angel Cards
Tylenol Extra
A Course In Miracles
A Womens Study Bible
3 Andara Crystals, a Selenite and a Rose Quartz
An Interpretation of the Bhagavad Gita
Success Rituals 2.0 (featuring my friend Kim Page Gluckie)
Copy of “The Girl Who Played with Fire”
A hand painted picture from Thailand from my brother and sister in law
I AM THE WORD (another book...)

First of all, update- I am feeling calm, healthier than I have for months, hungry, and I can breathe through my left nostril (dreamy)- I can talk clearly again and say the word ‘bean'. I’m noticing that I feel a little ‘protective’- not wanting to go into crowds or busyness, just enjoying the Peace of my house and moments with family and friends- online and in person.

I am not particularly great at any ‘Left Brain Activities’, enjoying movies over reading, quiet and listening to music. Hair intact, only a tiny bit of mouth soreness, so all in all it feels miraculous. The shrinkage on the tumours is difficult to gauge, but where I had a large mass inside on the roof of my mouth, one on my neck, one near my left ear, in the left and right nostrils- now there is ONLY an inability to breathe through the right nostril and if I look deep with a flashlight I can see a faint pearly whiteness. This is compared to the complete filling and expansion of the right nostril with the tumour grossly visible.

Yesterday I spent two hours on my friends Crystal Healing Bed, we were both shocked- seemed like it had been an hour. Velva Dawn is an author, healer and just so much that I can’t even list it here- please look her up. We have been treating each other on and off for years and we never know what to expect. She followed guidance and intuition and man oh man- it was Divine. I won’t go into two hours of detail, but the overall theme seemed to be “Bring It All Together”.

We both come from a medical/science background and have been drawn into the ‘woo-woo’ :)
We talked about the value in just doing what is Guided (this discernment takes some self awareness and practice)- which included reflexology (something we are both trained in but use less than the ‘energy’ work). Even her iPod agreed with us, inserting a JLo dance tune in the midst of chants and healing tunes, and it was so perfect, the words were so right that they brought tears to my eyes!

I am following the diet as given- it is what I want to eat, so it’s been easy, I am taking a few supplements and immune boosters and (possibly a relief for some of you to hear), anticipate having a second chemo treatment on April 30th.

My thoughts on the chemo at this point, and I am willing to allow them to change, is to be mindful. If I become completely symptom free I want to be tested and see what’s going on.

I just can’t not mention here that my belief is that ALL of this healing is coming from the Mind- from the inside out and not the other way around, this brings a ‘sameness’ to the treatments.

The prayers, generosity in all of it’s forms (I will have to do a list at some point- it is REMARKABLE), and well wishes lift us all.

Dusty and I spent a great day in reflection today, he with his 15 pack and me with my tea- we talked about perspective and judgement and moving forward. We are being well cared for.

I’ll close with what Jake (14yrs) just said to me “Mom, what if while the tumour was dying it screamed a little scream the whole time”- LOL- yeah, that would suck.

Witness Janet

On the first day of chemo a lifetime friend joined Dusty and I.

Armed with her heart, mind and camera she captured moments in this
journey that I truly will treasure.

Thank You Janet!

See Here

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Laying It All Out There

I realize as I sit here that I feel a bit of pressure to write something good! ha ha- there- I’ll just shake that off and continue to ask Holy Spirit to just join me here and share what seems helpful to share.

I’m sitting in my bed, been here for the past three days pretty much, amazing how you can stay in the same space and still experience the range of emotions that often seems to go with moving about in the world.

I had Chemotherapy on Monday, I’m happy that my friend Janet Pliszka- [who invited me to play at recess in Grade 5 on my first day at Longview School making me feel warm and welcome- as opposed to my brothers week of ‘who is the toughest in Grade 4'-Thanks Janet], I’m happy that Janet could come, we were both just ‘feeling it’. I did regret not having more pictures of the process last time. I’m looking forward to Janet’s blog on her couple of hours there- coming later today.

For Dusty and I the day was uneventful, I was hooked up to the IV from 9:30 to about 4:00- with no adverse reactions. Had a nap, played Tetris, looked at Facebook, eavesdropped on the nurses conversations- not much of anything really. I felt calm and peaceful, wondered what everyone else’s story was, which is how I usually feel in a group of strangers. Dusty was patient, got me food and sat in the corner on a hard chair. Luckily he listened to my medication instructions as they seemed to have escaped me.

I felt fine until Monday night and the nausea hit, gross taste in my mouth, general yuckiness (autocorrected to luckiness- nice!). I had a meeting on Tuesday at the Ranch So I got dressed, looked actually pretty good and went from there to an beautiful Reiki treatment with Reiki Master and loving Earth Mother Sandy Day. The treatment with Sandy was great, she sent love to the cancer saying “I know that it is probably hard for you to do right now” and then exclaimed on all of the light and love and ‘high vibration’ despite everything. I think we are all feeling that (and I can’t help think that you are all contributing- thank you).

My Dad drove me to and from the appointment, I’m learning to ask for what I need. Another sidebar- today I wanted Hamburger soup and asked for it- my brother in law made it for me- don’t know why but that totally warms my hear.

Okay- details aside, here is what I want to share and I really want to do it Justice. I capitalized that on purpose, when I capitalize it’s usually because it has to do with Truth to me- not justice of this world but Justice in the ‘God’ ‘Universe’- whatever word you use for ‘the big Kahuna’.

On the way home from Sandy’s my Dad and I were having a philosophical conversation. We were talking about Manifesting and our power in this world and how things work. We are both metaphysical, self help book junkies. After spending two peaceful hours on Sandy’s table I was in a Peaceful place. I calmly stated my current belief- that the cause is our beliefs (ultimately our desire- separation or connection) and this world is the effect. Let me make it clear that I don’t believe we are willing to always look at all of our beliefs, so this is not always readily apparent to us.

I’m adding this paragraph in because I feel like in this journey I haven’t properly addressed what I think was a pivotal moment. One of these hidden beliefs was shown to me in the Energy treatment that I had the day after diagnosis. In a distance, on the phone session, I was led to the ‘root’ of the issue. I saw myself being born, I hated it, it was cold and startling and I was crying and thinking “get me out of here”. It didn’t stop there, as the practitioner gently led me forward I saw myself go back in and experience the birth again, with awareness, with warmth, with love and gentleness- you can imagine how powerful this was. I went back in a third time, this time into ‘no expectancy’, wide open, “Baby your a firework” kind of place. This decision to ‘stay here’ was the beginning of healing.

This is not something that I need anyone to join me in, it’s more of a set up on what I want to share.

Skip ahead to Wednesday- yesterday- I wrestled yesterday. I wrestled with a body that did not want to eat, a more intense gross taste in my mouth, fear of having to do this 6-8 more times, headaches, perpetual running nostrils and bloody nose, regret at having had the chemo., questioning whether having the chemo. was a denial in my faith in the healing power of God, or the body, or my belief system- all in all a real mind fuck. I tossed and turned in bed, unable to rise for anything but going to the bathroom, I spent the past two days with Kleenex shoved up both nostrils (didn’t post that picture, did I!). I heard Dusty call my Mom and Dad and say that it was fine for them to take the kids to Cranbrook, I was glad. I reached out to a mentor and this is what she wrote:

"Chemo? Does is feel “right” for you? Chemo has no meaning of its own…we give everything all the meaning it has for us. If using it temporarily gives you some peace, then use it! And while using it, give it to HS deep within asking for Him to show you what HE wants you to feel, to know and to remember. Pain or suffering is NOT God’s Will…so you can claim your healing any moment that you are ready. The body has no ability to betray you…maybe you could take this thought to HS too and ask Him to demonstrate this if it feels right. Ultimately Fawna, you are perfect. Stay true to your Self. And listen. No effort. No struggle. Forgive the body for what it did not do. Sit with HS and together write it a Love letter…realizing that the body could never betray you…what would you say to it? And to Holy Spirit? What do you want to say to your Self? What desires to be brought to the LIGHT and transformed by it?
I am with you in this. We all are. Jesus is here. Atonement is done. All healing has already been accomplished in Jesus’ Resurrection. Let’s join Him now in our joint commitment to ACCEPT, to RECEIVE his Love and heal the guilt that used the body for attack.
With infinite Love,
Nouk xoxoxoxo”

Whoa- this feels like very deep sharing for me here. Many of you have commented on courage- this is the first time I am actually calling on Courage.

Trying to wrap the head around this doesn’t work for me, I hear it in my gut, in the opening of my heart space. I hear the faint bell of truth on the outer limits of my awareness.

So this is where I sit today. I still didn’t get out of bed, I feel good enough that I was tempted to, but this is such an opportunity to be quiet and have my thoughts revealed.

Today it was revealed to me that there is a thought in my mind about the ‘glory of suffering’, that it is okay to have what I want, but only if I purchase it with some suffering. This is guilt. It is okay for me to get out of the jobs that I don’t really want if I have cancer, it is okay to lay in bed all day thinking about God, it is okay to tell everyone that I love them and it’s okay to receive their free and uncompromising love- if I’m sick. This tiny mad idea has some fairly unintended consequences.

A couple of months ago one of our boys at the Ranch (a great teacher) did something that he was not supposed to do. We were all scared for him, but we truly love and believe in this kid and it was a totally understandable mistake considering his age and background. I was called in to do some counselling with him and in the hour we spent together a great truth was illuminated. I knew that he was feeling particularly guilty about approaching a staff who he has a great relationship with, so that’s where I took him. He said he was going to stay in the car, and when I said “are you sure?” he mustered up the courage to come in.

As he sat in a chair head down, facing away from this loving person, I saw myself, I saw myself with God. He wasn’t looking at her so he couldn’t see that she was not angry at all, she was relieved and happy to see him, she assured him that she would always be there for him, but he wouldn’t look to see it.

The other day I wrote on Facebook “Focussing on the Resurrection”, that’s where I’m at, having and giving the Love that I am without the pain, guilt and suffering, just letting it go. Forgiving you, forgiving me, actually having a good time here.

I’m feeling a bit of an urge to defend this ‘belief’ system, to talk about the ‘Observer Effect’ that has been proven in scientific experiments ( ha ha, there- I just did it). Many of you have been calling me ‘strong’, our True strength is in defencelessness. I am laying aside fear- my need to defend or attack- and just opening up to your thoughts, feelings, idea’s- or nothing at all.

I assure you that I am feeling very healed in this moment. I don’t know what is coming next but I’m grateful for the opportunity to step into this.

Love You.

Thursday, April 5, 2012


As I wade into the Western Medical System every treatment is accompanied by a list of “possible side effects”, often they will make me laugh out loud- wondering- really? this is good for me?

What I’ve been thinking about though are other types of reactions, other side effects. 12 years ago I remember the shock of ‘other peoples’ reactions. Prepared this time I’ve been able to have compassion and patience that I didn’t always feel before.

The word cancer, the thought of a mother dying, and whatever other stories come up for people inherently seem to lead to fear. This fear expresses itself in a few different ways- the fighters and the flighters. Mad at the doctors for not catching it sooner, quick to need to ‘do’ something or suggest something, the fighters want to get right in there. The flighters either shut down, avoid, deflect and feel terrible in the process. Unfortunately, I’m having piles of friends judging themselves as selfish.

The thing is, to me selfish is most helpful. How you react is a goldmine for ‘waking up’. For stopping being in a rut of continuing the same pattern over and over. My Truth is that (and this may be hard to wrap the head around) but that you are not sad/mad/frustrated about me, or this story, these emotions are there just waiting to be expressed. They are attached to a tale, the tale is attached to belief and usually that belief has “unintended side effects”.

I’m inviting everyone to be selfish, take a look at the ‘what is going on here’. Become quiet and follow the emotion back. Looking at the behind the scenes drama going on allows us to bring it to the light, the light takes the power and you can lean into being ‘responsive’ vs. ‘reactive’.

What does this look like in practice? Here’s what has been helpful to me.

As soon as I got my diagnosis my first reaction was tears, I was sad, I felt SO, SO bad. As I looked at it, watched what was going on, I saw the following:

“How could I have done this?”

“How could I do this to my parents, my kids, my friends?”

“It’s all my fault”

“If only I had pushed harder"

So sadness was guilt, guilt had this story of how I have done something wrong. Then I look for the belief- the belief that I saw here was “I am responsible to keep everyone happy”- I’ve seen this one in me before. I sat with it. I applied the work of Byron Katie

Now I make sure that I am gentle and kind with myself, this is not an indictment- but an investigation.

This belief that I am responsible to keep everyone happy has the following side effects:
1. Manipulative behaviour
2. fake happiness
3. emotion stuffing
4. rescuing
5. greasy discharge (just kidding, that one just always makes me laugh)

Okay, now what. After a thorough look it usually has lost a lot of it’s power, I ask the Holy Spirit to look at it with me, forgive myself, and wait, if I’m still I will usually get an answer in terms of a feeling of peace, of calm or words “you are innocent” “happiness comes from the inside”

I will also realize that all fear is in the past or future, I actually think I might feel less afraid now that the diagnosis has been made, I’m not afraid that I might have cancer and have to tell everyone. I have it, everyone’s been great, and I am not entertaining dying at this point.

I’m totally cool with the crying, the anger, the pain that is showing up- all good- I just invite you to join me in ‘erasing’ some of these beliefs and set yourself free.

Freedom from suffering- mmmm- that sounds good to me.

Would love to hear your thoughts on this one, it’s trippy to change the idea that “I am sad because...something outside” to “I am not sad for the reason I think, where is this coming from Truly?”.

Let’s do this together. Minga!!!!

"The concept of Minga has existed since before Incan rule. Minga is the gathering of community members to complete a task that benefits all of the community. It is considered each individuals' obligation to the community.”

Thank You to my Cousin Jodi for introducing me to the concept of Minga after hearing Craig Kielburger(founder of Free the Children).

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

CT and little tears

The outpouring of support on Facebook, the phone calls, texts and for the blog have been uplifting. Overwhelming would suggest that it is difficult and the only difficulty I’ve had is the feeling that everybody should get the chance to have this much love showered on them- but without the Cancer part.

I am sitting here in my bed with the dog rolled up in a ball beside me, my mouth still has the taste of the ‘selenium’ - the contrast liquid for the CT scan.

The day started early, we were lucky enough to be booked into High River Hospital so my Mom and Dad accompanied me. I haven't seen them since Friday and these past 5 days seem like a month! I was able to catch up with my Mom while I spent 2 hours drinking 4 litres of a pretty much tasteless liquid, I think the aftertaste is from the injected version.

When I was well and full bloated it was time to go in, I took advantage of the unlimited hot blankets- mmmmmm. Just before I went in I was wrapped up in a brand new hot towel and after a cheerful morning of chatting I had a sudden picture of snuggling with the kids in bed. Well, then came the waterworks. Instead of trying to choke them back I just sat in observer status, let them fall while I changed into a gown, cut the feather out of my hair, put on an attractive hair cover and while I laid and had the IV started. The technician went about her business, with me but not saying anything, and I believe she may have wiped a tear too. While I was laying on the table, head in the machine, I looked at the fact that the tears were like watching a movie- so programmed for those emotional musical flashbacks. I realized that the sadness was about being ‘gone’ - losing the good times, losing the people. No judgement, but truthfully one of several possibilities and not a foregone conclusion by any means.

Just watching and not stuffing (my normal approach) proved to be useful, as I sit here now and think of the same scene I do not have the same reaction at all, I feel calm and peaceful. I also realized that this moment in the warm blanket was perhaps one of the few moments I have been alone since Thursday. 12 years ago when I went through this I would ONLY cry when I was alone: Here is a poem from that time-

Silent Screams

Silently screaming behind doors of the bathroom stall,
And impossibly heavy, fire resistant doors into the
Hospital washroom.

Silently screaming in the back room with the efficient nurse,
Nodding while the drone of probable and possible side effects
Make you consider that there are things
Worse than dying

Silently screaming when they say-
It’s all about your attitude,
How could this happen to you or
Don’t worry – you’ll be fine.

Silently screaming while the student digs
For a vein and appears
Scared to death
Knowing your diagnosis and trying to put this
Together with the fact that you are the same age.

Silently screaming the 2 million times a
Day when you register and re-register the fact
That you have Cancer

Behind the bathroom stall and
Fire resistant doors, toilet flushing,
Water running--
Why can’t anyone hear me?

So - this time, I am not taking that same approach- the good suffering no longer serves me.

The rest of the test went without incident, hold your breath- now breathe- repeat. The IV contrast makes you warm and fuzzy, a strange feeling but not a terrible side effect.

The rest of the day was uneventful and now we sit and wait to hear about results- we already know that it has been named as a B-cell Lymphoma but waiting to hear what stage. It doesn’t really make any difference to me at this point.

I am definitely feeling the positive effects of all the energy work, healing circles and prayers. Glad to have such a big posse in this.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Watching Cancer through Fawna’s Groovy Miracle Goggles

3 days???? This could be a book of a blog over just the past three days.

I guess going with what is happening now, the recent news that We are experiencing a recurrence of Non Hodgkins Lymphoma changes the face of this blog somewhat. I may have to change the name to EveryMinute Aha- it has been a wild ride already.

A bit of background, in 2000 when I was 28 and Jake and Paige were 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 we were shocked to find ourselves spending months attending to and healing from a Stage IV
Non Hodgkins Lymphoma. Treatment consisted of High Dose Chemo with a Stem Cell Rescue, Radiation, Chinese Medicine with Acupuncture, Prayer, prayer, prayer, meditation, self inquiry and other mind taming tricks. I am using plurals here as it was definitely not a solo journey. My family, friends and community seemed to take the whole thing as a personal affront. The support was beyond words.

Fast forward 12 years and we are back in the saddle again (did I like this horse or what?). In the meantime we have enjoyed great health, to the point of having a Miracle baby and actually forgetting at times why people would ask ‘how is your health?’.

I have been dealing with a sore throat for almost a year, intensifying in September when I began to go to the doctor to see what the heck was going on. After several visits yielded no action or information I tried Acupuncture, Energy Healing, and just about every trick in my bag of magic.

I have to mention here that my point of view may be different to some. In October I finished the workbook for A Course In Miracles and this, combined with 12 + years of seeking, led to the direct experience of Spirit within. This had been a regular occurrence during the first trek with Cancer, as a gift of Grace rather than a state that I could enter regularly. Due to this the past few months, while on the outside looking like I have been ‘suffering’ or ill, have been tremendously powerful in my journey to know my True Self.

To be brief in this initial blog as it is more about just getting the info. out there, I noticed layers and layers of control, of self hate, of judgement and of beliefs in separation. My goal is peace of mind, so while in physical appearance moving backwards I have been experiencing bounds of healing in the mind.

Details: after months of trying everything to feel better I returned to my general practitioner at the beginning of March. In the month of February I had developed a mass in my nose that I was calling a polyp (I googled it), the doctor seemed horrified and quickly referred me to an ENT. I waited a week and 1/2 to hear back and bam- the polyp seemed to take a growth spurt, adding on another growth in my neck. At this point I called and said I thought maybe we were getting to emergency stage. They reacted.

On the 21st of March I saw an ear, nose and throat doctor, he did a biopsy and ordered a CT scan. By the following Tuesday the results were in.

And now we are into the past three days. Thursday, Dusty and I returned to the ENT who had the unenviable position of telling me that it was an aggressive recurrence of the Lymphoma and that he had already arranged for us to be at the Cancer Centre the next day.

I was crying before we left the office, but observing at the same time, no judgement in the observing but noticing that my sadness was an overwhelming guilt “how could I have done this again”, sadness that I had to give this news to my parents and my kids...
We blew out quite a few F-bombs as the information sunk in. We began to put the word out and it has been a wildfire ever since. As I processed the guilt, the fear thoughts, the threats on the inside, we joined friends for lunch and went through the motions on the outside. Told our families, cried a bit more, talked to one another.

I put the word out to my healer friends and a few were immediately called to action. Notably, Velva Dawn Silver Hughes, Stacy Sully, Nouk Sanchez and Gayle Fathoullin. Within a couple of hours I had energy treatments, healing circles and cutting edge mind healing information coming my way, childcare for the next day fell into place easily (thank you Tracy,Mom and Da). I realize that there have also been anonymous light workers who went into action immediately.

I told Jake and Paige that night, they were amazing, Gus is 6 so we will let him know as we go along.

Sinking into bed that night we were pretty much shocked (probably still there now).

Friday morning was a GORGEOUS sunset and we trekked into the city, pretty much ready for whatever. The Doctors were amazing and looked like children on Christmas morning when we told them that we thought I had extra stem cells stored there. As it had been rapid they did a Bone Marrow Biopsy- which I did not suffer with, and made the current plan which is full CT Scan on tuesday and Chemotherapy starting on April 9th. In the meantime they will meet with their team and decide what to do in this “extremely unusual” case.

In the midst of this I continue my mind watching (often in the middle of the night)- I believe in spontaneous healing and miracles so I continued to be bit perplexed that I had done so much inside work (where I believe the problem starts) and nothing was changing. I had gotten the message several times to “pull it out by the root” but apparently hadn’t gotten to the root yet. What I noticed Friday morning was a belief that the ‘doctors’ would save me. Nothing wrong with this, but standing in the way of a
Miracle. The quality of this belief was fear rather than faith, a belief in my victimhood- good to see and ask to see it correctly.

Dusty and I were ‘punchy’ at the doctor, in the car and in the pub where we met my brother (who had texted that he had heard that beer cures Cancer- my brother is not a doctor- please do not use this as medical advice). Dark humour punctuated the day.

I had a powerful long distance energy treatment with Stacy Sully that evening (message me if you want more details) and spent the evening with friends.

Saturday was crazy as the healing and helping forces around me went onto high alert. Notably a healing circle to coincide with Earth hour was organized (I felt it - thank you), I met with some Mighty Companions- spiritual teacher/student friends online, and at noon I got a phone call. The idea of changing my diet had been sprinkling in and I was paying attention, at the same time I was getting the message to give no effort- do what was easily given.

Part of what has come up over the past few months is how I’ve built a life around me to be ‘needed’. Everyone needed me (ha ha). Letting go of that has been a healing and a relief- and it continues. So on Saturday morning I was committed to allowing, receiving and ‘saying YES’.

At noonish on Saturday Velva Dawn called me with an urgency. She had recently come across the work of Medical Intuitive and Hay House Author Caroline M. Sutherland. Velva Dawn felt guided to purchase me a reading with her, but it wouldn’t go through. Not being able to get it to work she emailed Caroline, expecting to hear from a secretary or representative in a few days. She went back to her taxes and almost immediately had a return email. It was Caroline Sutherland, instructing her to call right away. Dawn called her and Caroline was straight to the point “Drive over there and get her to call, I will do a reading now”. Velva Dawn called me, gave the short version and was here 10 minutes later. We called right away and without a pause Caroline began downloading a diet and treatment regime, it took all of Velva Dawn’s typing skills to keep up. It was fast, effortless, and more important felt entirely Divinely guided.

I have resisted diet changes in the past. During the first Cancer bout I was not guided, prompted or moved to make any changes and enjoyed Fruit Loops cereal for most of my healing time. I say this to emphasize that my belief is that no answer is the answer- go as you are guided.

No Milk, No sugar, No Wheat, No Caffeine were the first 4 things. Velva Dawn took it all down and went to town for supplies, only one item could not be found and she immediately thought of another friend who picked it up and drove it directly to my house- 2 hours away!!! No effort on my part (other than to fully receive- yikes).

My next two dear guests- Jodi and Shannon- both family and friends brought all the mix in’s for paralyzers, goodies, and Tiramasu. Normally I would have dove into this with gusto- but there was no urge what so ever! Confirmation. I felt a slight pull to people please and not tell them that I wasn’t eating sugar- an old pattern that I was particularly good at. I resisted and let them know and they happily consumed some, leaving the rest for my family to enjoy.

I put the news out on Facebook and continue to be amazed with the words, the sentiments, the support- the witness’s to the fact that we are all connected.

Miracles continue, I had awareness of the Healing Circle, dinner arrived, groceries arrived.

My final thoughts- or this is going to be excessively long- is just to see the ‘payoff’ of being sick. I noticed this last time, but this time I am committed to enjoying the openness, the permission to follow my heart, the permission to rest, the permission to speak your mind that comes with a life threatening illness- I want to enjoy all of this beyond the sickness and thereby give it no reason to return. If you want to know where my mind is going please watch this interview with Nouk Sanchez- we do not need to suffer, we do not need to get sick and we do not need to die (!).

I love you, and I am so happy to share the Miracles- I have found that often people are imagining me suffering while I am basking in the amazingness. No need to suffer. How am I now? I have a visible bulge on the right nostril and a visible large mass filling that nostril, there is a noticeable lump on the left side of my neck, the roof of my mouth and the back of my throat. I have no pain and I am at Peace (other than the 6 year old who wants the computer NOW).