I Heard the Little Scream

If you read one of my recent posts you will remember that my son Jake said “Mom, What if the tumour screamed a little scream as it died?”. Well this week I heard the little scream, but it wasn’t the tumour, it was ‘helpful, helpful Fawna’. Like in the Wizard of Oz she was screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting”.

I have had very clear prompts from the Holy Spirit that this is a time of Receiving and a chance to let go of some well worn patterns. Without guilt, without a belief that I’ve done something wrong. With the realization that much (not all) of my ‘helping’ came from disguised righteousness, lack of belief in other people or God, a ‘Saviour Complex’, a need to be seen as ‘nice Fawna’, all from the ego.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Hot Tub Lifeguard

So here’s how it showed up this week, I’ve been being really good about not helping- when I don’t feel good, when I had my treatment with Velva Dawn I was told that I am in a ‘candy wrapper’ and am not to come out until the time is right. On Wednesday I reached my little T-Rex arm out when a client from the Inn called “Fawna, You are the only one I can trust”- good one ego! By the end of the day I was exhausted and all of those who’ve been guarding me were pissed right off!

That night I had a dream with the same theme, my cousin ‘needed’ me and it was crucial- it was 50% of her mark! In the dream we were both stressed right out.

I woke up in the morning and heard the little scream. One of my spiritual mentors said to me a few weeks ago- “what parts are you not going to salvage, are you not going to save, this is an opportunity to step out of the ‘character’ of Fawna”.

So this begs the question, “Isn’t it good to help?”, of course it is, in the movie “Happy” by Tom Shadyac he talks about helping as one of the most helpful steps towards happiness. What I’m talking about is letting go of the helping with strings, the kind that leads you to resentment, or the manipulative helping- the helping that is to prevent conflict or criticism (hmm...that’s me).

Many times I’ve said to my clients- if you are a helper you cannot and will not stop helping- it’s about putting yourself in the mix. So I guess the truth is - I’m not stopping helping (I LOVE helping), I’m helping myself right now.
I know there have been times in my life where my closes circle is exasperated with me, my parents will recognize my need to rest and they will take the kids and while they are gone I will go and help someone move, or sit with a depressed friend.

The actions are not wrong in Any Way- actions are neutral. I’m asking myself- “What Is Behind This?” “Why am I doing this?” “Is this an Obligation or a Heart Desire?” “Ego or Highest Self?"

Self Awareness means taking a look at every action, every thought, every reaction- “Why?”. I want to be a teacher of light, love and wholeness, I no longer desire to feed the pain and suffering that keeps the idea of Separation going. I’M MELTING Clip