Thursday, April 12, 2012

Laying It All Out There

I realize as I sit here that I feel a bit of pressure to write something good! ha ha- there- I’ll just shake that off and continue to ask Holy Spirit to just join me here and share what seems helpful to share.

I’m sitting in my bed, been here for the past three days pretty much, amazing how you can stay in the same space and still experience the range of emotions that often seems to go with moving about in the world.

I had Chemotherapy on Monday, I’m happy that my friend Janet Pliszka- [who invited me to play at recess in Grade 5 on my first day at Longview School making me feel warm and welcome- as opposed to my brothers week of ‘who is the toughest in Grade 4'-Thanks Janet], I’m happy that Janet could come, we were both just ‘feeling it’. I did regret not having more pictures of the process last time. I’m looking forward to Janet’s blog on her couple of hours there- coming later today.

For Dusty and I the day was uneventful, I was hooked up to the IV from 9:30 to about 4:00- with no adverse reactions. Had a nap, played Tetris, looked at Facebook, eavesdropped on the nurses conversations- not much of anything really. I felt calm and peaceful, wondered what everyone else’s story was, which is how I usually feel in a group of strangers. Dusty was patient, got me food and sat in the corner on a hard chair. Luckily he listened to my medication instructions as they seemed to have escaped me.

I felt fine until Monday night and the nausea hit, gross taste in my mouth, general yuckiness (autocorrected to luckiness- nice!). I had a meeting on Tuesday at the Ranch So I got dressed, looked actually pretty good and went from there to an beautiful Reiki treatment with Reiki Master and loving Earth Mother Sandy Day. The treatment with Sandy was great, she sent love to the cancer saying “I know that it is probably hard for you to do right now” and then exclaimed on all of the light and love and ‘high vibration’ despite everything. I think we are all feeling that (and I can’t help think that you are all contributing- thank you).

My Dad drove me to and from the appointment, I’m learning to ask for what I need. Another sidebar- today I wanted Hamburger soup and asked for it- my brother in law made it for me- don’t know why but that totally warms my hear.

Okay- details aside, here is what I want to share and I really want to do it Justice. I capitalized that on purpose, when I capitalize it’s usually because it has to do with Truth to me- not justice of this world but Justice in the ‘God’ ‘Universe’- whatever word you use for ‘the big Kahuna’.

On the way home from Sandy’s my Dad and I were having a philosophical conversation. We were talking about Manifesting and our power in this world and how things work. We are both metaphysical, self help book junkies. After spending two peaceful hours on Sandy’s table I was in a Peaceful place. I calmly stated my current belief- that the cause is our beliefs (ultimately our desire- separation or connection) and this world is the effect. Let me make it clear that I don’t believe we are willing to always look at all of our beliefs, so this is not always readily apparent to us.

I’m adding this paragraph in because I feel like in this journey I haven’t properly addressed what I think was a pivotal moment. One of these hidden beliefs was shown to me in the Energy treatment that I had the day after diagnosis. In a distance, on the phone session, I was led to the ‘root’ of the issue. I saw myself being born, I hated it, it was cold and startling and I was crying and thinking “get me out of here”. It didn’t stop there, as the practitioner gently led me forward I saw myself go back in and experience the birth again, with awareness, with warmth, with love and gentleness- you can imagine how powerful this was. I went back in a third time, this time into ‘no expectancy’, wide open, “Baby your a firework” kind of place. This decision to ‘stay here’ was the beginning of healing.

This is not something that I need anyone to join me in, it’s more of a set up on what I want to share.

Skip ahead to Wednesday- yesterday- I wrestled yesterday. I wrestled with a body that did not want to eat, a more intense gross taste in my mouth, fear of having to do this 6-8 more times, headaches, perpetual running nostrils and bloody nose, regret at having had the chemo., questioning whether having the chemo. was a denial in my faith in the healing power of God, or the body, or my belief system- all in all a real mind fuck. I tossed and turned in bed, unable to rise for anything but going to the bathroom, I spent the past two days with Kleenex shoved up both nostrils (didn’t post that picture, did I!). I heard Dusty call my Mom and Dad and say that it was fine for them to take the kids to Cranbrook, I was glad. I reached out to a mentor and this is what she wrote:

"Chemo? Does is feel “right” for you? Chemo has no meaning of its own…we give everything all the meaning it has for us. If using it temporarily gives you some peace, then use it! And while using it, give it to HS deep within asking for Him to show you what HE wants you to feel, to know and to remember. Pain or suffering is NOT God’s Will…so you can claim your healing any moment that you are ready. The body has no ability to betray you…maybe you could take this thought to HS too and ask Him to demonstrate this if it feels right. Ultimately Fawna, you are perfect. Stay true to your Self. And listen. No effort. No struggle. Forgive the body for what it did not do. Sit with HS and together write it a Love letter…realizing that the body could never betray you…what would you say to it? And to Holy Spirit? What do you want to say to your Self? What desires to be brought to the LIGHT and transformed by it?
I am with you in this. We all are. Jesus is here. Atonement is done. All healing has already been accomplished in Jesus’ Resurrection. Let’s join Him now in our joint commitment to ACCEPT, to RECEIVE his Love and heal the guilt that used the body for attack.
With infinite Love,
Nouk xoxoxoxo”



Whoa- this feels like very deep sharing for me here. Many of you have commented on courage- this is the first time I am actually calling on Courage.

Trying to wrap the head around this doesn’t work for me, I hear it in my gut, in the opening of my heart space. I hear the faint bell of truth on the outer limits of my awareness.

So this is where I sit today. I still didn’t get out of bed, I feel good enough that I was tempted to, but this is such an opportunity to be quiet and have my thoughts revealed.

Today it was revealed to me that there is a thought in my mind about the ‘glory of suffering’, that it is okay to have what I want, but only if I purchase it with some suffering. This is guilt. It is okay for me to get out of the jobs that I don’t really want if I have cancer, it is okay to lay in bed all day thinking about God, it is okay to tell everyone that I love them and it’s okay to receive their free and uncompromising love- if I’m sick. This tiny mad idea has some fairly unintended consequences.

A couple of months ago one of our boys at the Ranch (a great teacher) did something that he was not supposed to do. We were all scared for him, but we truly love and believe in this kid and it was a totally understandable mistake considering his age and background. I was called in to do some counselling with him and in the hour we spent together a great truth was illuminated. I knew that he was feeling particularly guilty about approaching a staff who he has a great relationship with, so that’s where I took him. He said he was going to stay in the car, and when I said “are you sure?” he mustered up the courage to come in.

As he sat in a chair head down, facing away from this loving person, I saw myself, I saw myself with God. He wasn’t looking at her so he couldn’t see that she was not angry at all, she was relieved and happy to see him, she assured him that she would always be there for him, but he wouldn’t look to see it.

The other day I wrote on Facebook “Focussing on the Resurrection”, that’s where I’m at, having and giving the Love that I am without the pain, guilt and suffering, just letting it go. Forgiving you, forgiving me, actually having a good time here.

I’m feeling a bit of an urge to defend this ‘belief’ system, to talk about the ‘Observer Effect’ that has been proven in scientific experiments ( ha ha, there- I just did it). Many of you have been calling me ‘strong’, our True strength is in defencelessness. I am laying aside fear- my need to defend or attack- and just opening up to your thoughts, feelings, idea’s- or nothing at all.

I assure you that I am feeling very healed in this moment. I don’t know what is coming next but I’m grateful for the opportunity to step into this.

Love You.

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