Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had been emotional for a couple of days now, this brought on a barrage of comments. The comments ranged from love to worry to ‘YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE EMOTIONAL” (all appreciated). What I was trying to relay is that I’m allowing the feeling rather than pushing it out- projecting it. Now I’m laughing at the word projecting- so much more technical and clean than blame- call it what it is, I’m resisting the temptation to blame. Even in sharing that message the power of it diminished.
So this morning I sit with this and with the funeral of a friends 7 and 11 year old going on at this moment. I have to say I’ve felt this urge to flee from thoughts of this funeral, flee from other peoples posts about how sad it is making them. Fleeing for me means fear; fight or flight. But what exactly am I afraid of. The fear of losing children is the obvious choice, I’m sure that it is partially true, but what is being unearthed is a fear of emotion.
As I sit quietly I see myself standing in a black dress waiting to be burned and vowing to show no emotion. This is just a side trip- an opportunity to once again ‘blame’ a feeling on a ‘past life’. Not tempted I sit longer and ask the Holy Spirit to reinterpret this fear for me. I begin to see (re-member) that emotions, just like the physical perceptions, are a handy trick to reinforce the ‘reality’ of separation.
Let me explain, I saw how in my life I have avoided emotional circumstances and I hear these statements of fear- don’t show your emotions, your emotions affect other people- if you are mad you will make other people mad, if you are sad you will make other people sad, etc. etc. I have even avoided being too happy- for fear of making other people sad by comparison. What power I have! I am in charge and in control of not only my emotions, but everyone who comes into contact with me! A demi-god for sure.
As with all of the ego’s ideas (and they are only ideas) emotions are judged as good and bad. It’s good to feel sad, it’s bad to feel sad, changing with the generations- keeping us stuck in doing, feeling like we have no control. The control comes at the level of choosing your ‘puppetmaster’ - are you on the string of ego- tossed wildly about in the sea of duality (and by the way you believe you ARE the puppetmaster here). Or are you on the strings of a loving, eternally patient, all knowing power that only wills for your happiness?
The ego says, well, what would you have if you didn’t have emotions, that would be boring ‘no rain, no rainbows’, selling it’s cheap imitation happiness over pure Bliss. The funny thing is we buy it, we glorify it- glorifying our suffering and shared misery.
I could be wrong but I don’t believe we need to do this, I am asking Holy Spirit to take control of my emotions, to repurpose- use what I had chosen to prove separation for communicating that we are one.
It is not hard to see that when it comes to emotions there is a grain of truth in this- we feel together, there is one mind and I think we are ready for some Bliss. I am making the switch from living outside in to living inside out, it feels like a process because I’m afraid and guilty, the purpose of sharing it here is not to convince anyone at all but to explain where I am at in this moment so that I can see it. The sharing over the past few months has been immensely helpful, so I will continue and I truly value your thoughts.
I am not suggesting that we should not be sad about children dying. I am suggesting looking at the sadness and what it brings up, what beliefs are hiding here so that we can move beyond feeling perpetually victimized.
Only Love to all those at the funeral today and the eternal spirits who brought us all together.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Modern medicine meets soul
Cancer - Zero Fawna - Two
By: Dear Friend Kim Page Gluckie
AHHHHHH...first weekday in 4 weeks with no trip to the cancer centre. On friday my parents drove me for my last radiation session, last time locked into the mask for a short but sometimes distressing 10 minutes. I had some moments of near panic in that mask and some moments of deep peace. One day I saw myself sitting in the audience watching the treatment like a show, sharing popcorn with the Holy Spirit. This last day the message was “you are not trapped”, ahhhhh- felt it more than I heard it.
So I got off the table, was informed by the tech that lots of laughing and smiling creates faster healing, hugged my techs and BURST out crying on my way out. Another hug with the nurse and I sashayed out. The crying felt like relief, isn’t it amazing how we can be ‘holding it all together’ and not even realize it?
SO, it feels like a time for reflection. A super easy going reflection though as opposed to a ‘figure my life out’ intensity that I felt 12 years ago after treatment. I feel like wearing flip flops (I’m actually wearing a 1970’s mumu that was my grandmas’ as I write this) and just relax, inner tube floating vibe.
3 chemotherapies, 20 radiation sessions, mind watching all the way supported by energy work and a 'force of nature support' circle. Wow, as I write this I realize I’m exhaling, and exhaling...
The cancer has been a backdrop for RECEIVING (capitalized because it has been in such a big way), trusting and looking beyond appearances. A personal relationship with the Divine has been enhanced and oh so helpful.
Western treatment has a defined beginning and end, I’ve felt ‘healed’ (of the seeming cancer) for some time now, so while I’m of course glad that ‘it’s over’ there is also a sense of continuum, of the flow of life. I’m having a difficult time putting it into words; as I’ve gone through this I’ve realized how much investment we have put into the BIGNESS of cancer and equally cancer treatment- both alternative and western. This is a SERIOUS illness and requires IMMEDIATE and FULL attention. I’m laughing as I write this. In no way am I trying to minimize this experience, or anyone else's- okay, maybe I am, shit.
Would it be bad to minimize it- at least take a bit of the teeth out of it? The truth is - we all have crap- scary crap, all of us. Even if you mastered 'not suffering' - there was a time that you HAD crap, it’s part of being here. We have taken all of these experiences and labelled them, we have quantified and qualified them, we have diverse horror scales (where cancer usually scores high) which may include divorce, bankruptcy, bad shoes, and so on.
I’ve shifted from believing that the suffering comes from outside in to believing that it is from the inside out. On a more positive note- the Peace is in there too.
As I move into the Peace, letting go of a ‘personal’ Fawna who ‘things happen to’- I hope you are feeling the compassion in this rather than a detachment- I’m moving more into Me- fun, joyful, free me and more into being able to know you- rather than judging who you are and where you are at.
Fun, Joyful, Free. Ahhh...not much more to say for now...exhaling.