Undoing Emotions

Yesterday I posted on facebook that I had been emotional for a couple of days now, this brought on a barrage of comments. The comments ranged from love to worry to ‘YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE EMOTIONAL” (all appreciated). What I was trying to relay is that I’m allowing the feeling rather than pushing it out- projecting it. Now I’m laughing at the word projecting- so much more technical and clean than blame- call it what it is, I’m resisting the temptation to blame. Even in sharing that message the power of it diminished.

So this morning I sit with this and with the funeral of a friends 7 and 11 year old going on at this moment. I have to say I’ve felt this urge to flee from thoughts of this funeral, flee from other peoples posts about how sad it is making them. Fleeing for me means fear; fight or flight. But what exactly am I afraid of. The fear of losing children is the obvious choice, I’m sure that it is partially true, but what is being unearthed is a fear of emotion.

As I sit quietly I see myself standing in a black dress waiting to be burned and vowing to show no emotion. This is just a side trip- an opportunity to once again ‘blame’ a feeling on a ‘past life’. Not tempted I sit longer and ask the Holy Spirit to reinterpret this fear for me. I begin to see (re-member) that emotions, just like the physical perceptions, are a handy trick to reinforce the ‘reality’ of separation.

Let me explain, I saw how in my life I have avoided emotional circumstances and I hear these statements of fear- don’t show your emotions, your emotions affect other people- if you are mad you will make other people mad, if you are sad you will make other people sad, etc. etc. I have even avoided being too happy- for fear of making other people sad by comparison. What power I have! I am in charge and in control of not only my emotions, but everyone who comes into contact with me! A demi-god for sure.

As with all of the ego’s ideas (and they are only ideas) emotions are judged as good and bad. It’s good to feel sad, it’s bad to feel sad, changing with the generations- keeping us stuck in doing, feeling like we have no control. The control comes at the level of choosing your ‘puppetmaster’ - are you on the string of ego- tossed wildly about in the sea of duality (and by the way you believe you ARE the puppetmaster here). Or are you on the strings of a loving, eternally patient, all knowing power that only wills for your happiness?

The ego says, well, what would you have if you didn’t have emotions, that would be boring ‘no rain, no rainbows’, selling it’s cheap imitation happiness over pure Bliss. The funny thing is we buy it, we glorify it- glorifying our suffering and shared misery.

I could be wrong but I don’t believe we need to do this, I am asking Holy Spirit to take control of my emotions, to repurpose- use what I had chosen to prove separation for communicating that we are one.

It is not hard to see that when it comes to emotions there is a grain of truth in this- we feel together, there is one mind and I think we are ready for some Bliss. I am making the switch from living outside in to living inside out, it feels like a process because I’m afraid and guilty, the purpose of sharing it here is not to convince anyone at all but to explain where I am at in this moment so that I can see it. The sharing over the past few months has been immensely helpful, so I will continue and I truly value your thoughts.

I am not suggesting that we should not be sad about children dying. I am suggesting looking at the sadness and what it brings up, what beliefs are hiding here so that we can move beyond feeling perpetually victimized.

Only Love to all those at the funeral today and the eternal spirits who brought us all together.