In the same breathe I was told that we would be quickly beginning radiation. This would require cleaning up any dental problems that have the potential for becoming infected.
After a peaceful morning, Dusty and I in conversation and lots of laughing while we waited for the doctor I left the office shaky. I was crabby and couldn’t wait to get somewhere and have a drink. My legs were literally weak and I felt off balance.
The image I have in my head is a jar of oil and water, where I had been in quite a still place where the two substances- or mindsets- love and fear- had been settled, separated and easy to see, for whatever reason (I'd like to blame radiation and dentistry but I know that the shaking comes from the inside not the outside), the jar was completely shaken and I've spent the past two weeks shifting between love and fear. Since my goal is to live in Love this is not a bad thing, I want to be shaken so I can see what's in there. It's like a background program running on your computer.
So- what this looks like is two weeks of wrestling. I know that to settle I need stillness, fear however has two reactions- fight or flight, definitely not stillness. Despite hearing the gentle wisdom inviting me inwards I often chose to stay busy or irritated. No guilt, just noticing. Finally, three days ago I sat still in the morning, commiting to alignment with Love, allowing That to fill me up. Ahhhh- the days slow down, irritation subsides and opportunities open up.
My process with the fear is not to cover it up- or affirm it away, as I've said before this is a bit like putting a nice blanket on a dog poo. The dog poo is still there, stinking and never completely hidden. If I'm in fear of any kind (irritation, anger, sadness). Then I know I'm choosing to Believe something that's not True. In the past two weeks I've uncovered mistaken beliefs in the 'value' of money, the power(?) of the body, viruses, infections, radiation and the concept of torturing/being tortured. My two and a half hour dentist appointment was a roller coaster - mind watching and releasing that reminded me of cleaning our junk drawer- wow, stuff in there that I didn't realize!
It's been a bit like living in a split screen where I can see how the ego (fear) would have had me just suffering non stop with sad stories and poor me's as opposed to gratitude and 'bring it on', 'let it rip!'.
I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's what makes the question "how are you?" difficult. On the physical- I'm doing great- the last chemo I had hardly any side effects. Mentally/emotionally I've been shaken- but that's okay, and spiritually? Better than ever.
I have to mention here that some people found the mask pictures disturbing, my Mom says I should let you know that I had the Best time there. The two radiation therapists and I laughed and visited for 40 minutes.., the back of the mask is a foam that warms and expands around your head and neck and the front is warm and meshy- not hard to breathe at all. It was in fact spa-like and 90 % less uncomfortable than most beauty treatments (definitely nicer than a Brazilian wax!).
I am going into 20 treatments of radiation feeling clearer every day, divine guidance and my doctor are in agreement that this is happening. I have no idea why, but that is part of the fun. Living in the Mystery, stop pretending that I 'know' why, what, trusting that I'm loved and supported. Even with these blogs, I'm writing without planning or editing and the feedback has been gorgeous. I am completely reinforced that living without being guarded, without hiding things (to the degree that I'm able) leads to Miracles and connection.
Feeling it all,
Fawna
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